All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Disapp,

a year ago last summer was our 25th and h had moved north. I KNEW I did not want to be "alone" or pining. I planned a big trip to Italy with our children (nope, you don't have to do anything so extravagant or expensive, but damn, it was worth every penny). H noticed and THEN said he'd gotten some time off and wondered whether he could come. I declined b/c I knew his schedule wasn't open for long, he'd leave early or arrive late and it'd be all about HIS time...plus, I had no idea he'd come back. So, I pushed the trip date back a few days, we spent our anniversary together and off he flew back north, and off I flew with the kids. Later I heard that it hit him hard that I'd go overseas with the kids, without him, and have a great time. It was huge for ME, and I think the kids, to know we could laugh and have an adventure and Not have their dad around. Besides, he was a workaholic anyhow, so in a way it wasn't unusual. Emotionally it was different but so good for me. No reminders of h, or loneliness, and lots of good positive memories; interesting people. Don't know what else to say. Buy theater tickets, or get out of town with someone close.

I told the kids that I WAS celebrating the anniversary b/c THEY are the fruits of the M and no matter what utlimately happened, they were worth every painful moment and I'd do it all again in a heart beat, if that was the only way to have my children in my life. I meant it. But like I said, h DID notice and later said it bugged the heck out of him.

He must have learned something. He wants to plan a family trip for this spring now. THAT is different for him/us.

Make nothing of his contacts, assume it's friendship only. LOSE ALL expectations and then, ACT on the lack of expectations....ie. make plans for yourself to be happy without him. IF he wants to join you, let him make the flippin' effort and stop inviting him, searching, etc. Don't let him assume you're still there waiting, hoping, clinging, so that every time he does a decent thing, he has to pull back to insure you won't want more, or expect anything.

Listen to his problems, support him, and get the hell off the phone. Remember to note the little positives of his absence, even if it's only at night. I know, it's not much, but it IS a start and soon you'll find other positives and then, HE'll notice what you are doing. Even though that is Not why you should do it, it's a nice byproduct. If it matters NOT to him, then better to know now, then later.
Good luck,
j-