Ds and I started the day by going to church and Target. Then D10 and I went to the grocery store and came home to make soup. H walked in the house just as we were getting ready to eat and I told him there was plenty. Usually he isn't into soup but he had two servings. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up about 2:00 I asked if he would mind if I ran out. H said no so I went Christmas shopping until about 4:30. After I got home I ordered pizza. H spent the whole rest of the day here. No talking all weekend as he had said we would do on Friday.
Now comes the part where I realize what a selfish A*&H*@$* my H is. After D10 was in bed and D15 was in the shower I said I see my C tomorrow do you have any feedback for me to share. (My C wanted me to lay out my thoughts on the S so far and tell him how much I miss him. I did that the other day though not face to face.) H sat down looked at the TV and said nothing so I wasn't sure he heard. Then he looked at the celling and said nothing. Finally he said he didn't have any. He did think we were doing a better job of talking. H doesn't want to move in and wants to find a place to stay.
In the course of our talk he told me he thought he would have the Ds for the weekend since he was gone most of the week. I said that I would have done that but he said nothing. Pointed out that I offered to let him have time w/ them Thurs. but he never responded.
I'm not happy about the prospect of him getting a place. I did tell him that he doesn't really know what it is going to be like if things become permanent. Mentioned that the non-residental parent only has a couple of evenings a week from what I have seen. He then mentioned that we need to get something in writing. I said that is what I was saying 6 weeks ago. H seemed to indicate that things were going to be permanent.
H left and wasn't very happy. I was very bothered because he pretty much left me feeling hopeless. I called and said he didn't have to tell me but I felt I had nothing to loose. I wanted to know if he had asked his C about me going in or if his C had asked. H said the C didn't see the need for that. Since he is treating him for his depression it doesn't involve me. WTF!? That goes against anything anyone else has ever told me. Either H is lying or his C sucks worse than I thought. H said they talk about his crying(didn't know about that), anxiety, anger, etc. Never mentioned us. I said I thought that our sitch might have some bearing on the depression but I guess the C and H don't think so.
I told H I am getting a lot of mixed messages. I told him I felt used when we shared an intimate act a couple of weeks ago. Asked what that meant to him and he didn't know what to say. Gave him some options and he said it was that he was confused. He wants it to mean something. H was talking in circles. Everytime he said something and I restated or tried to validate he said that wasn't what he said/thought.
I told him he has had it too easy and that was the wrong thing to say. I'm supposed to feel bad that he is sleeping at the office or in his car. I didn't ask him to move out. I didn't ask him to walk away from me and Ds.
I so need to go black. If only I could. It sucks so much that Christmas is two weeks away. D15 went to bed upset because she saw me crying. She thought things were getting better too.
Sorry to anyone who has read this whole thing. Just needed to vent. Wish I would have given H a piece of my mind. I don't have anything left to loose. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of not being loved. I need to detach and I need to move on. I told H he has moved on and I need to do the same. I know I did too much pushing today, but I am tire of the BS. WTH does he want from me?
