Sally-- I hope that if I can hand over the "responsibility," that I can accept the results as not my fault. Right now, I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to fix this, for me, for H, especially for my kids. It was always my job, and I failed.
I really don't have high expectations that the IC discussion will be any more productive than anything else that has transpired. I just want to be able to tell myself that I did everything that was possible; either some miracle will happen and he will come to see, or he won't, and I can tell myself that NO one would have been able to make any difference.
I feel another dangerous thought that has crept into my subconscious--going to the CW to ask her to "let" him go back to his family, his children. This is faulty on so many levels, I don't even think I need to list them here. Now, to keep those thoughts at bay and anchored in reality when I start to slip down the well again... You can't make deals with the devil. Hitting myself over the head with my own 4x4....
getting back to my kids. They are reality, they are the innocent, the truth, and all that is good. Concentrate on that, and what is good in the world, in my life. Much better use of my energy.
