It's hard to tell if he is mad at me or what. When he gets off his medicine, he doesn't act sad like I do....he acts mad at the world. Even the kids talk about it. It takes several days for him to come out of it once he gets back on the medicine.
However, you are right, I am losing my nerve. It is not "nerve" as much as just not having the "want to" anymore. Maybe it's hopeless. I got up early this morning and wrote a long letter to him. I thought maybe he could process that better than hearing me since he has adult AD. Anyway, I looked it over and thought, what's the use, it is the same thing I have talked to him many, many times before and it never changed.
I'm sorry for letting you down DomR. I can't do it right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought last week that the AD meds were kicking in and that I was going to be feeling stronger and able to do this, but tonight I just feel very, very low and just can't take the pressure right now. I can't do this b/c you tell me to do it or b/c you think it is a good idea....I have to do it b/c I want to do it and feel it in my heart....and I just don't right now.
You more or less told me if I was serious about saving my M that I should just stop talking about it and just DO it. Maybe I'm not serious.....maybe I don't know what I want anymore......maybe I'm still a WAW....maybe I've disappointed everyone by not getting my act together and having a super marriage by now. You think I'm making excuses, and maybe I am, although I still say I know my H better than you do and I know when the time is right or wrong better than you do. If you are fed up with me and want to wash your hands of trying to help me.....I understand completely, but please don't try to force me to do something when I am trying to tell you that I am not in a good place right now (emotionally or physically or with my H) to do it. You don't know what goes on in this house or what may have happen in my kids' and grandkid's lives, and you don't know what my emotions are going through. Right now, with you pressing me to do this when I don't feel the time is right within this three of four day time frame you have given me.....it just makes me feel more of a failure. When you said you would work with me on that, I didn't realize I had to do it within so many days. You are way too pushy and demanding about your assignments. Perhaps you don't mean to be, but it comes across in your posts.....or maybe it's just my frame of mind now.
I don't know anymore. I am afraid I am getting to the place I was when I fist came on board, and that is not good. For a short period, things seem to be a little better b/c we didn't fuss and fight. But the "desire & love" that I wanted to feel never came and that has been very disappointing for me. I felt like I never did "good enough" according to some here on the board b/c I was just suppose to "do it anyway" whether I felt it in my heart or not. Well, that's just not me when it comes to love and sex.
I still can't stand the thought of him touching me.....that's not a good sign. I don't think I could respond to him if I had to, right now. So, maybe I'll live out the rest of my life as being a "friend" to my H......I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe it's the depression....but then you felt like.....how was it you said? I allowed myself or that I "used" it or something, I can't remember now, but it was like b/c I didn't do the assignments you gave me to do with my H, that now as a result, I'm all depressed over it. To my knowledge, clinical depression doesn't work like that.
Anyway, the holidays are upon us and I am probably just pulling people down that read my stitch, so I think I will take a break from the board. I'm so sorry for disappointing any of you that had placed high hopes in me. Maybe after Christmas, I will be feeling better and can start the new year out right with a PMA and get into gear and do what needs to be done, but right now.....well, obviously, I can't seem to make myself do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
