Time For Me to Fly

[Ohio_Mark]

Is there any love left there at all for your W Mark?

Love and hate are very closely linked IMHO. Or are you indifferent and numb to her most of the time?

I have grown indifferent, probably as a defense mechanism. I am indifferent to her, but I know that our reconciliation is what's best for the kids.

I know we can make it, and be a happy couple. And I really believe that she knows it to. She is very frightened, though. She fears that I will reject her if she were to open the door. And I may indeed reject her if, in the event she were to return, I believe that she is not prepared to make changes in herself to make our marriage work.

She continues to say, "Let's move on." But she does nothing about it. She is all talk. She began preparing for the divorce in May. And in July she said she was ready to file. In August she saw an attorney. In October, she saw a different attorney. In early October, she came to me and said she wants to file before the first of November. And here we are in December, telling me she wants to "move on."

She said it best: If she really wanted to do something, she would have done it already.

[saffie]

Mark she is screaming out for attention and unconditional love. What right does she have to expect unconditional love from you after what she has done? But as we all know on these boards - these things CAN happen.

Would she sit down and have a civilised talk - is she capable of that? She sounds a bit scared of you to me. The whole time she thinks you are upto things.

Could you just not go out somewhere and chat and level with one another?

Saffie

[Ohio_Mark]

Yeah, we can have a civil talk. However, the talk will be all about negotiation of the divorce. In her mind, there is nothing left to discuss.

If I go down the, "I know you are scared..." path, it will fall on deaf ears. She wants to put on a show of being confident and capable. But we both know she is not. And she will never admit to it.

[Astimegoeson]

I have been "checking it at the door" for months now, with absolutely nothing to show for it. I am getting tired of being a doormat. The bottom line is that I could be a whole lot less angry if she had just a little respect for me.

Don't hold your breath looking for that respect. I consider it respectful if my stbx says nothing at all to me.

You'll drive yourself crazy waiting on it or demanding it. This is when you really need to suck in that pride and show some self control. You really don't need her approval or respect anymore. I know it's hard, been there, done that!

[SallyM]

mark, have I ever told you my therapist's circle theory? its basically about co-dependency. she describes a person who is pretty much issue free as a closed circle. those of us (I definitely fall into this latter group) who had issues from childhood that were never addressed are circles with pieces missing....so picture a circle maybe 2/3 complete. that remaining 1/3rd, the empty spot, represents the piece that was never fully developed.

what most people do with that empty spot is to try to fill it with stuff...sometimes with other people, sometimes with alcoholism, drugs, food, shopping, anorexia, affairs, new jobs, new houses, etc, etc. It can be anything, and its all done to try to fill in the empty spot. the problem with that is, the only way to really fill in the empty spot is to address the deep down issues and deal with them. only I can fill in my circle, only h can fill in his, etc, etc. Trying to fill them with other things will, over time, break down....it will prove to be an illusion.

H and I are both classic incomplete circles. I've been working on myself for 9 months and still have a long way to go to close mine, but I'm getting there. H is doing nothing to close his, he's merely filling it in with other things...a new relationship, a new job, a new home, etc, etc. I do get that, I do get that this is about him and all of that, doesn't make it any easier, though.

It just seems to me that your wife is trying hard to fill her circle in here. she tried to with om, but that illusion is proving too hard to maintain, I think. still, she is trying to keep him somewhat pencilled in. at the same time, I think she's doing the same thing with the dog...she's trying, once again, to fill that circle with something new. the comment about the dog unconditionally loving her really caught my eye here about that.

anyway, I know this sounds like so much psycho-babble, but it makes sense to me. my therapist illustrated it all on a piece of paper that I carry with me in my purse, I have since she first layed it out for me back in march or april.

just wanted to share. take care.

[SallyM]

I meant to add, mark, that you are likely part of that circle for her, which is one of the reasons she is having a hard time letting you go, too.

I was the same for H. he went into some pretty classic co-dependent panic attacks when he felt me moving away from him this summer. but the more he filled his circle with ow, the less he needed me. the thing is, he didn't have some reason like your w does with omg, to erase her or lessen her impact in his circle. she just grew to be a bigger and bigger part of it, so it became easier for him to move away from me. not that I should be there anyway...its something only he can complete, noone else.

[Ohio_Mark]

Sally -

Thanks for the contribution. This makes perfect sense to me. We both have incomplete circles. We both have issues from childhood and young adulthood - most people do.

I can see how she is filled hers out with first her boyfriend, and now this dog. Obviously, she is trying to "cover" my part of her circle now. Living under the same roof makes this difficult for her.

PS: She inadvertently called me "honey" on the phone today. I am not going to read anything into that...

[SallyM]

yep. usually its not just one thing, btw. usually its more than one thing...and the dog seems like a frantic attempt by her to close the part that either om or you are leaving empty.

glad it made sense.

[SallyM]

oh, and h occasionally slips and calls me honey, too. trust me, nothing to read into it. hell, he even slipped and called me ow's name once. that I especially don't want to talk about.

[Ohio_Mark]

You already did. I remember when you posted about it.

I felt awful for you...