Oh, I'll tell him what I buy--I just have no idea yet, myself. I asked him to be ready to talk about a budget briefly when we got together with the Ls last week--he didn't. He got his vacation money, but kept it all; I'll have to ask for the share for the household, which feels slimey. Right now, I don't have a lot of extra funds for any presents at all (teachers don't get bonuses). D and I are making teacher gifts this year instead of buying anything. We are going through our craft closet and clearing it out. Fun and cheap :0)
******
IC wants me to look into a new group forming on DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). She didn't want me to research it to death before I got a chance to experience it, though, so I'll journal about it afterwards.
I'm still feeling really good after the session last night. And is it a coincidence that EVERY song I've heard since then has been about moving on? (Just like a Tatoo, Never Again, The Next Time he Cheats, etc).
***** S's IC just called me, said he was doing very well in therapy. Opened up much more with her, shared his fears for his father (can he make it alone, etc), and is going through very normal grieving. She is no where near as concerned as originally. Said that H has been very respectful of me and that they are both sharing their feelings with each other.
I was glad to hear that S is alright, and am grateful that we got him into see someone who he is getting comfortable with. I want the cycle to stop with me; I want S to learn how to feel and be able to communicate his emotions. I hope he never has to live through this pain in his own adult relationships; start self-awareness early.
"I am guessing that he is pissed that he tried to "play nice" and sound concerned and I was business-like with him back."
Great insight. Too bad for him. He isn't the good guy and it isn't you job to make him feel like he is.
"I'm not rising to the bait. I'm not even answering him until tomorrow afternoon, the earliest."
Yay Donna!!!!!!!!
"I really don't want him in the yard; IC doesn't think he should be there, either. I'm debating about what I might respond to with that. "
Hmmm... How about, "I don't want you in the yard. I'll deal with the upkeep. Thanks for the offer, but no."
After all, this says it all: "I really don't want him in the yard."
All the rest about his role, blah blah blah, is co-dependent/managing him stuff. Not you job to create conditions in which he can act out his preferred role.
"Subject: i tried Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:59:48 -0500
okay, i tried being courtiouse. i need you to respond to the rest of my e-mail. i need those couple of things that i asked for. i would like for you to do what you ask of me. help me make plans ahead of time. i will be over there next weekend to take care of the yard and my hot tub, probably most of the day on saturday and part of sunday. i will be sure to be out of there with the kids before dark. i need the shirts for scouts so i can have it ready for his next court of honor. i would like to know when you have things like the class trip planned so i can plan my time with the kids, i had no idea you were going . it would be nice if you sent info about S's concert so i can plan to be there. i am buying for the cousins that i told you about, you asked for a budget for christmas shopping. if you feel the need to buy for them as well that is up to you but it seems you should buy for your cousins kids and kathy's kids and keep the money down. just a thought. and i bought S the go phone and will tend to the minutes as well. thanks"
Why have I become the enemy? I broke and called him. I am so tired of this. He started off mean but I held my ground. I told him that he was the one who wanted things to be business-like, and that was what I was doing. I didn't have more than 24 hours to answer all of his questions, although I had planned to. He went into the thing with the cell phone, saying I was a liar and CW's H had told me about it. I told him I don't lie. He got nasty and said, yeah, right....I was mad and pushed it. Finally, he started b!tching about "going past the house on weekends when I had the kids and my car wasn't there, and they need their parent in the house when they are sleeping." Of course, I had his parents listening for them.
I told him he has no idea how lonely I have been, how I am trying to get on with my life, how the children are taken care of. Somehow we got back to business and dates about the kids. The whole thing was draining.
I missed my Staff Christmas party that night. Took the kids to COSTCO. Didn't get my grades posted.
I got through Friday, which ended up being a great day with S on his field trip into the Museum of Natural History. There was snow, and we got home after 9:30. H called my cell around 6:30. He had already dropped D off back with his parents. I let him talk with S on the bus.
Now I know why he dropped D off and was so pissy--this was another of "their" weekends. I didn't realize it. I did the no-no this morning, feeling so down about getting the tree without him with us, and I called. I was happy to hear that he was still home, and was about to ask him to join us, when he said he was not alone. I hurried off the phone, then fell apart.
I got calm enough to get my coat on, tell the kids I had to run out. When I got outside I saw her truck was back. I called him and he was on the road to LI. She was with him. I told him I had been on my way to beg her to leave him alone, send him back to his family, his children who miss him so much. How can he do this? He told me that he wasn't doing this today (his standard response), to call my therapist, and hung up on me.
I can't do this.
FIL came out just as I was getting hung up on. He brought me into his apt and held me. I can't help it, I just cry, how can he do this? How can he be away from the kids, from me?
How long will this pain go on? Distraction, meditation, spirituality, patience.....I hurt for me, for the kids.
********* I stayed with them for about 20 minutes, until I could get myself back together. I am able to pull things back together more quickly, and even with the phone call, today was just profound sadness tinged with anger, not desperation as much.
OK, I got some perspective. IC had asked me what my plan will be the next time that I have a panic attack, the next time I start to slip down the well...
So, I got the kids set up with lunch and went to bed, getting rid of a "headache." If that is what it takes, then so be it. I got up about an hour later, then we all piled into the minivan to go get trees and other decorations. We picked a really pretty tree, even if we didn't cut it down ourselves. S and I rangeled it into the stand and got it into place, then he spent hours setting up the train underneath. D & I brought up the other decorations for the mantle, etc, and started getting that set up. We'll figure out the lights tomorrow, then I'll let the kids put the ornaments up.
Still not sure what is happening for Christmas day--in-laws and I were originally going to invite all up here, but heard that grandma is planning a menu. FIL and MIL won't go, because he has to work both nights. I really don't want to go, either--long drive to someplace I really don't want to be. So, up in the air, still.
H will have them Sun into XMas eve, dropping them home by 7. I may ask for a bit earlier if I do the traditional Italian fish dinner I was thinking of. They will be with me for Christmas. He will have them for the long weekend into and through New Year's Day.
I was always enthralled with this time of year--the decorations, the lights, the singing, helping others, being with family....I know that this one will be hard, because it is the first. But I will Act As If, fake it, etc., for me, and the kids most importantly. I got a chance to talk with bff down the street, too, for over an hour tonight, and that helped. Church tomorrow.
I am thinking that having H here next weekend to clean up his mess and the yard might not be a bad thing. I want to get the Christmas shopping done. It is overwhelming, the fall clean-up (and we got 2 inches of snow on top of that last night). Maybe I'd feel better about it if he didn't have the kids helping, too. Maybe they will have some playdates planned...
I am exhausted. IC reminded me that the adrenaline dump is very taxing every time it happens. Couple with not sleeping great, anyway, and taking a nap break is not a bad idea when I can do it safely. So I am looking forward to hitting the pillow tonight.
There is part of me that doesn't want this business--I want my family back. It is the unrealistic child-woman, the part that is suspended in disbelief that this has happened at all, the one that keeps searching for the magic answer. The fixer. The one who holds hope. The part that loves even in the face of betrayal, lies, and cruelty.
I hope that once the IC gets the chance to sit down with him, I can let go.
Anyway, I just got back from church. I really like the family atmosphere and the welcoming. I left my number with the pastor, hoping to speak with her. I have to put this whole thing aside for right now so I can finish working on decorating with the kids. I'll be back later...
Sally-- I hope that if I can hand over the "responsibility," that I can accept the results as not my fault. Right now, I feel tremendous guilt for not being able to fix this, for me, for H, especially for my kids. It was always my job, and I failed.
I really don't have high expectations that the IC discussion will be any more productive than anything else that has transpired. I just want to be able to tell myself that I did everything that was possible; either some miracle will happen and he will come to see, or he won't, and I can tell myself that NO one would have been able to make any difference.
I feel another dangerous thought that has crept into my subconscious--going to the CW to ask her to "let" him go back to his family, his children. This is faulty on so many levels, I don't even think I need to list them here. Now, to keep those thoughts at bay and anchored in reality when I start to slip down the well again... You can't make deals with the devil. Hitting myself over the head with my own 4x4....
getting back to my kids. They are reality, they are the innocent, the truth, and all that is good. Concentrate on that, and what is good in the world, in my life. Much better use of my energy.
donna, here is the way I see it. you are doing everything you can to avoid fixing what is really broken, and that is yourself. I think you get close sometimes, but when the work gets too hard or too close to home, you go back and try to focus on your marriage. yes, your marriage failed, but there is something so much deeper going on here. you did everything you could to fix your marriage, but it wasn't possible. you still feel broken because you are still broken. but much like dorothy in the wizard of oz, you have had the power all along to go home...to fix yourself. just reach inside, honey, use the resources you have already sought out (your groups, your IC) and know that they are there because YOU put them there...your strength reached out for them...they are your tools to help you on this path.
OW is not the devil, btw. trust me, I want to draw horns on pics of my h's ow, but she is not the devil, either. neither of these women are anything more than women...they are human, with their own strengths and weaknesses. don't make her more than what she is. a devil implies a power that she doesn't have. your h, my h, they both went willingly. their choices. the ow made their choices. OUR choices now are about what we do with our own lives, how we pick up the pieces and regain ourselves. Its a tough row to hoe, for sure, but we can do this, donna. we can.
now stop posting here and get your butt over to surviving where you belong. trust me, its a tough change to make, but its a good one. just wait till you get to know those fine folks over there...they show me just how many silver linings are out there, just how its not only possible to survive an unwanted divorce, its possible to thrive and shine!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
