The answer was staring me in the face all the time

[MaxP]

nerlami,

I know how you feel. The odd thing is my W isn't angry at me - unless I question her about the R - I get nothing other than complete detachment. When we went to marriage counselling, just before separation, she didn't want to save the R, she wanted to move on. When asked, she said she didn't spend much time thinking about our R at all. I still think about her and it every day, every night. She is in another place (mentally) and has been since the day she told me that our R isn't strong enough to survive.

I think with these WAS the only thing DBing is good for is your own personal development (and learning that talking about the R is not good). I would say that I do think you stand a better chance of changing a WAH's mind than a WAW. I think the logic process they follow is slightly different.

The turn around for the LBS is very quick. We went from trying for kids and planning to move abroad one week to nothing the next. A few weeks before we were walking on the beach during our wedding anniversary and she was telling me she loved me. I now believe that those moments are the WAS trying to convince themselves. There has been no intimacy since the bomb other than a few hugs - and the explanation for this, the best I can get in 8 months, is "it no longer feels right". Well, she's right on that score.

At least there is a lot of support available here. Even if the outcome may not be what you wish for, there are people to vent at and keep you sane. I hope someone has some answers for us both. I cannot believe that our spouses feel nothing. I think my W just doesn't want to allow me any room for hope - cruelty to be kind. I firmly believe your H doesn't believe his own comment to you, but they will say and do anything.

[MaxP]

I also think that not having children makes it easier for the WAS to remove themselves cleanly in our sitches. If they don't want to interact, they don't have to. It's all under their control.

[MaxP]

Help

I've just had a christmas card come through addressed to my W and her new man - an old unversity friend of hers who I've met several times. God knows how long it's been going on for. That was subtle and a nice seasonal way of finding out what the hell is going on. I'm very, very angry right now - no wonder I didn't stand a chance in all of this.

How do you deal with this?

Help.

Max

[Trixi]

OMG- Max I am soooooo sorry!! (((((max)))))

Shoot! Well, now you know what you have been dealing with at least. I was just saying I wish I could be angry in my thread. I think you can use this anger to propel you along in your journey.

I have nothing productive to say; my thoughts are a bunch of expletives directed her direction. How RUDE to not have given you all the information of what was going on so that YOU could understand and move on (if you wanted).

FWIW, most affairs die off within 2 years. They aren't started under good circumstances so they crap out down the road; especially once it is exposed to the light of day. My guess, the affair started before she left (at the very least an emotional one).

Soo sorry Max!!!

[MaxP]

Thanks Trixi,

I don't know how long it has been going on for. I certainly suspect it was in existance before she said "it's over". It's also quite likely it was an EA or there was some attraction just before she left - it was probably a factor in her leaving so suddenly.

Unfortunately for me I internalise anger very quickly. I wish I didn't because I want to deal with it because it offers some form of therapy. I'm sure my W believes she has not lied to me or done anything wrong - but I feel very betrayed right now. All that time and energy, no wonder there were no positive signs from her and all physical interaction stopped suddenly.

Right now I want to give her a piece of my mind, I never stand up for myself and am always too nice. I also feel I want to stop all forms of communication dead.

Do I forward the card? Right now she doesn't know I know because she's tried hard to stop me finding out.

Well, she put a black mark against Easter by dropping the bomb then, and now one of her careless friends has put a black mark against Christmas. Thanks a bunch.

Does anyone have any good advice as to how to deal with this?

Hope people out there are having a better day than me.

Take care all,

Max

[MaxP]

Oh - and I haven't even got a bl**dy christmas card yet!

[Trixi]

What kind of idiot would send a Christmas card addressed to your W and New Guy to YOUR house?!

I don't know what to tell you. If you have been too nice and you think that could have been a factor in the demise of your marriage, then why NOT stick up for yourself. It would be a 180. I know that my H liked it when I would get sassy and stick up for myself. Of course, if I did something like that now, I don't think he would "care" either way. And maybe your W wouldn't "care" either, but you would be able to look in the mirror and know that you didn't just turn a blind eye.

Hopefully expert DB'ers will chime in.

[MaxP]

Trixi,

Someone did not have their brain in gear, that's for sure - or maybe it's a ruse for announcing it to me.

A 180 for me would be to be a complete pain in the backside. Somedays I would quite like all my control mechanisms to fail so everything could just come out for once. They're far too efficient at kicking in and making me behave.

I remember my C telling me about an anger group therapy class that someone went to. The C was telling a woman that she had to imagine some situation and try to really let go. Apparently she let go so much she nearly killed the stand-in with her anger! All present were very surpised at the depths of feelings that can lurk inside.

[MaxP]

Hey, and thanks for being here. It means a lot and I'm not ready to face bed yet.

[Trixi]

Well, tell me why you would NOT give her a piece of your mind.