I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[25yearsmlc]

Dear LH,

what a wonderful opportunity you have to answer FooledAgain's questions, and to understand where your wife might be coming from. A chance for insights for both of you.

One thing LH, about your wife using the term "mine" when referring to the kids and making unilateral decisions about them. Yes you do have the right to input on these decisions. How you tell her this is delicate. Maybe you can say, "W, I know we are separated/estranged/maritally challenged" (whatever you think she'd call your sitch) "and (if this is true) "you've shouldered too much of the responsibility of decisionmaking for the kids in the past, but I have the right to be involved in these choices, and I want to be more involved, so please keep that in mind..." OR if that's not applicable, what about saying "W, thanks for the info, keep me posted on that so we can talk..."??

She may feel the A wasn't just cheating on her, but on your vows/marriage/family. And she's not totally wrong, is she? No, I'm not trying to shame you. Just saying that I wouldn't read too much into it about whether she'll cut you off from seeing them, etc. based on those comments. Sounds as if she values father-child time together and that is a huge advantage you have.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself since I've said this so often: No mother is untouched or unmoved by seeing the father of her children lovingly interacting with them. It's sooo important and to many, an emotional turn on. It's just one dimension of my love for my h, who did more than take me for granted. But it has helped me work on forgiveness and seeing his value in my life and theirs, when I was tempted to see none.

What will it take for her to trust you again? Wow, time + whatever else she needs. Let FA help you with that. I don't know how much you lied or how often, about the A or other issues. That will have a lot to do with this I think.

Let the DB coach guide you on goals, (as well as us here). As for the holidays, you need to figure out how you'll be part of it. What exactly are the plans so far?
Keep on keeping on, b/c you ARE making progress. Even if it's ultimately just for the R's you have with your kids, that's no small feat. And I doubt from what your telling us that your wife isn't noticing. She WANTS to trust you. I really believe that. But of course she is afraid. I was. I also felt that my h wasn't the man I thought him to be, given the choices he was making, which shocked me. I sometimes still wonder about that at times. Like, "is he the type of man I can spend my old age with? Would he be here for me if I were sick? Will he hurt me and the kids again?" and last, "Does he DESERVE my love?" THAT question was a struggle for me because when I realized that actually was about "teaching him a lesson" and not coming from a place of love or boundaries, or self respect, then I dropped that last question from my "list". But my gosh, it took a lot of forgiveness work with DB counselors for me to lose that attitude. Part of me just wanted to walk away and say, "You're a fool for doing what you did and you killed my love for you so...see you later." It was the realization that at some level, whether he "deserved" it or not, I was being punitive. It's not my job to punish him. Just to figure out whether we can have a future together. We were more or less apart for 2 years and now have been re-united for 4 months and it IS getting easier, finally. But no, it's not the same. I'm starting to like him again, and to respect him again, and that's a start. Plus, he IS cute. I hope my love fully returns, or grows even more. I AM less resentful and that is huge. I knew I had to lose that anger or we'd fail and what the hell is the point of all this DB work if I wasn't going to let go of the past?

But my h also says things now that he didn't say before, realizations he's had that may be overdue, but better late than never. Priorities, etc. Changing his work schedule to match our kids' schooling, instead of centering our lives around HIS schedule. (He's a physician and our family has a long history of revolving around his call schedule, etc.) That's one "new thing" that I really noticed in him. He actually looked at their schedule online himself instead of me reminding him 10 times. Oh, btw I had stopped doing that when he left. I let him be responsible for HIS time with the family, and he "got it." And he has pent up demand for kid time, likes putting d10 to bed and reading to her at night. I'm so fine with that! After having the kids 24/7 I can use some "alone" time even if it's in the next room or the bath tub.

Don't give up. And if thoughts of OW come into your mind, put a STOP sign in your head. That's what the LBSers have to do to cope with the obsessive thoughts of infidelity. It is so gross and consuming to feel betrayed that way. Maybe if you let yourself think of your W with another man for a minute, you can see that it's a deep blow. She's had to put up some "thought blocks" so you may have to as well.
Hope this helps.
j-