I just turned my H's birthday into a horrible day. I organized a little tea party for him with just us, i.e H, D, me and MIL. D spilt some cake on the carpet and as I tried to clean it up, H and MIL began to tell me what to do and I got angry and said, 'stop trying to give me advice, i can do it'. H offered to vaccuum it (a first for him) and I said it was his birthday and that I would do it.
He then said that we should move the table, an old argument that we have. He has previously said that he wants it flush against the fireplace and I think that that is really odd and have refused. So I assumed he was suggesting the same thing today as well and got angry and said, why cant I have at least the dining table the way i want it without it turning into a big issue. He argued back and i screamed. tbh i dont even remember what i said.
anyway things then calmed down and we ended up having tea all together. but the day is spoilt.
i have been fairly upset the whole day as the level of his detachment from me is so deep that it hurts. even when i wished him happy birthday, his kiss on my cheek was so perfunctionary that even a casual acquaintance would have had a better kiss. and it is that that hurts. knowing that i dont matter at all to him.
i know, i know, i am focused entirely on him. i need to detach, gal etc etc. and i am trying. i suppose i am also venting here as well as trying to explain.
okay go on, let me know how wrong i was today. also tell me, that everyone has absolute control over their actions and if they dont then they are no better than an animal and therefore, since i cant control my reactions, that makes me a pretty terrible person right? also tell me that its not enough just to want to be a better person, i have to actively be a better person and that its no wonder h wants to leave. lastly tell me to grow up because i really should know better.
