How Filing changes everything

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

How things can change when you file ! But a bit of background first, my 20 year+ WAW had a long distance (international) A, which fizzled out a few months ago. She has dropped the bomb annually for the last 3 years, and since the first one, we have not had physical contact, with all that implies, and not much even verbal affection over the last year. Two kids, daughter 9 and son, soon 14, W is 45.

After 3 years of this treatment, I said that she had a choice: us working with a counselor to fix things or I file. She said that a counselsor could not help, and so I filed. Here in Sweden, D is a no fault, easy administrative business costing 75$ if all goes well.

All didn’t go well. Since I filed by myself, she was served notice of the filing, first by mail (via a ‘please acknowledge that you have received this letter’ enclosure), which she ignored, another letter, also ignored, then finally by a policeman, who physically handed her a third copy one tumultuous Friday afternoon (with the kids wondering what was going on and me feeling like hell, but sticking to my guns). The consequence of her forcibly being served notice is that we now have between 6 and 12 months to decide whether to finalize things.

But how things have changed since! Her previous, often aggressive stance to me is now more acquiescent, accepting, mild even. This is certainly more pleasant than the daily previous stress of before… but is it real? She said a year ago that she wants a strong man and that I cannot be one (since the first bomb, I’ve taken over 90% of the cooking, run a marathon (slow but finished), taken the family to Japan, given her fancy gifts, etc., but I am a conflict avoider by nature; she: “you never fight back”)

So I turned 50 3 days ago and she gave me an expensive, antique replica kayak – for two people – but there was no card with any tenderness, no embrace, no physical acknowledgement going with that. Even this morning, when I left for a one week business trip to California, no embrace, just a short rubbing of my back after straightening my collar when I was walking out the door.

So two good things – a more pleasant wife, and a fancy birthday present – but no affection, physical or verbal…. what does it mean? Does she simply want to make life pleasant enough for me so I don’t finalize the D?

The big question is now, with Christmas coming up, shall I give her a ruby pendant (a few hundred dollars at Amazon, certainly less than the kayak)? I still have feelings somewhere for her… would expressing them this way help or hurt? She wants a tough, strong guy, someone to match her dominant, combative personality.

How should I play this situation? What sort of gifts are appropriate for her Christmas? She is getting a copy of her favorite DVD, a book or two (even though she told our daughter ‘no more books’ a while ago). She is a ‘wild beauty’ (a recent visitor called her this), proud, tough, hard-working, with high standards.

What do you think? Is this good? What does it mean?

Luke

[kml]

I think the kayak is a good thing. I would buy her a present that is somewhat in line with previous years gifts - if the pendant is on par with past years, or a little less, then fine; if it's more extravagant than you would ordinarily buy, then you might rethink it.

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman? I think that might be useful in your sitch. He talks about how we all express love in different "languages", and often can't "hear" our spouses if they're not "speaking" our "language".

For example:

So I turned 50 3 days ago and she gave me an expensive, antique replica kayak – for two people – but there was no card with any tenderness, no embrace, no physical acknowledgement going with that.

Here, she was speaking to you in the "language" of gifts, with maybe even a little "acts of service", since finding that present surely involved some research etc. BUT- it didn't really mean "love" to you, because it wasn't accompanied by YOUR love languages of words of affirmation and physical touch. So you probably didn't react quite as joyously as she expected, and now she probably feels a bit rejected.

Ellie

[LuvMyHusband]

Ellie,
I have heard alot about the book 5 languages of love? Can you tell me a little more about it? Thank you.