Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

Good morning. Well, even though yesterday started our sad, it ended ok. I went to a party with my girlfriend, lots of single men. But, not ready for that and I'm pregnant, duh. Came home and the H called. I talked to him. Stupid, I know. I started thinking about the fact that he can talk to me, when he wants, he can pretty much see me when he wants, he still talks about sex to me. And, I thought..."why would he want to come home? He has his new life AND he has his old life when he needs it." I sometimes think that if I'm friendly with him, he'll see the mistake he made and come home. But, I don't think that is the case. I really don't think he misses me. And, why would he, he has me. I want to have the strength to break free. I do. But, I just keep letting myself down. I so want to be a part of his life that I am willing to take what little part he is giving me. And, it leaves me feeling pretty crappy in the end. So, why can't I just walk away, why can't I RUN away? Why is it so hard for me to let him go? Do I let him go, especially now right before the holidays? I'm having a hard time with this one. I'm good at not calling him. I'm good at GAL (I think). I don't say ILY. I don't pursue him. I do a lot of the LRT's. But, when he calls and we talk, am I not suppose to build that connection with him?

He keeps asking me about other men. He keeps asking if I have slept with anyone. When I go out, he always asks with who. Sometimes I tell him with who and other times I tell him not to ask me those things. He asked me if I met anyone at my party last night. I said I met lots of people and left it at that. Am I truly doing harm by talking to him? Sometimes I feel like I am and other times I feel like it's good for us to communicate. And, I have to admit, when he asks me about other men, it gives me some reassurance (even if it is false) that he still cares. Imput needed please. I can't always see the forest for the trees.