is appropriate. But what he is looking for from her is assurance that "everything is now okay" and that's a message she should not send.
Besides, Dom, I wasn't addressing Fran's reaction to her H's actions, my post was addressed to you (which is why I began it with your name) to tell you that normal rules of relating don't apply with active alcoholics. They live in an altered universe.
No one drinks the way alcoholics drink unless they're medicating a tremendous amount of pain-- which is why it is appropriate to show them extreme compassion, but that compassion does NOT include sparing them exposure to their own pain.
I'm always amused (and not in a good way) by alcoholic/addict movies where the last scene of the movie shows the person attending their first AA/NA meeting and checking into rehab... then fade to credits... as though this were the end of the journey. Actually after a person acknowledges that they have a problem and quits using, THAT'S when hell really begins.
Because all the pain is still there, but now there is no anesthesia. Plus, your BODY is screaming for the drink or the drug, too, so you have emotional AND physical pain, too.
ALL of this blots out everything else... the R, the W, the kids, the job... all there is is pain. That's why people go to AA. Because there are people there who truly understand what you are going through in a way that no one else can. (Like no one really understands what childbirth is like who has not gone through it.)
When someone first stops drinking, AA suggests "90 meetings in 90 days," which means an AA meeting EVERY DAY for the first three months. Why? Because you need to be with people who care, who know how much you are suffering, who can talk you through it, listen, hold your hand... whatever.
The more I'm with my bf, the more I am convinced that his 30+ years of heavy drinking and drugging caused brain damage. He seems incapable of "normal" responses to me... and now that I'm with him and his mom most of most days, I see him doing the same thing with her. There's a defensiveness that is so habitual and ingrained that there may be nothing he can do about it...
The role of the partner of a substance abuser is to get out from between him and his substance so that he can experience the full consequences of his actions. That doesn't mean being rude or cruel to him/her. That's why alanon helps the partner. It's a place to get support, to see and hear how others are coping with the IDENTICAL situation that you are in. You can't expect emotional support from your substance abusing partner. S/He is in crisis mode and has no emotional resources available for you.
I remember one time with my bf back when he was drinking (OH WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I RUN FOR THE HILLS? BECAUSE I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT!), and it was late Saturday night and he was low on beer or wine or whatever. He had been drinking steadily all evening (as he did every evening) and had lost track of the time. He looked at the clock and noticed that it was past the time when the convenience stores were allowed to sell beer. (They have to stop selling beer at a certain time on Saturday-- I never knew this.) He went into an absolute panic. He even said, "Oh God, I didn't realize it was so late. I can't go buy any more beer!" Getting very agitated. Finally, his solution was to go in the bedroom and get some pot. He smoked that to get past the anxiety of being without beer! AND I SAT THERE AND WATCHED THAT!
