Long and bumpy road

[Startingover2]

I think dh wanted some contact last night. I maintained but it was hard.

He sent a text early in the evening:
Him-I am home. Let me know if you need me or anything.
Me-Ok, thanks
Him: I wish every day that things were different.

Later last night:

Him: Please, if you need me I am here. Please let me know. I can be there anytime. I will be home.
Me: Thank you. I am going to bed as I am very tired.
Him: Ok, have a good night.
Him: I love you and baby.
Me: Love you too.

I don't know why I responded. I know I probably shouldn't have. I could tell he was fishing to come over and went out of his way to keep telling me he would be home. Maybe because he was such a flaky ass last weekend. I did want him to come over, but shut that down by saying I was tired. Was saying ILY a backslide? I was trying to tell him I do love him, but won't put up with the behavior.

Uggh....I hope I didn't do much damage.

[blindsided1]

How do you do it? I cave in everytime. I suppose it will get easier to say no, right? My H keeps asking me where I am going and who I am going with and then asks me if I have had sex with anyone else. I don't know what he wants.

I don't know all of the sitch from your last year with your H, but I would give just about anything for my H to want to come be with me and tell me he loves me. But, maybe your H does this to you a lot and lets you down. Don't worry about being 42 with a newborn. You will find the right guy for you. There are lots of men out there that are willing to be part of a family.

I can't wait to see how your sitch unfolds.

[Startingover2]

Its been a rough few days mentally. Maybe its because I am pregnant on top of it all, but its been tough.

Heard from dh once yesterday. A text asking how I was doing and how his daughter was. It baffles me. He seems perfectly content on just being a dad from a distance. How can you tell someone you love them, but not make one change to move closer or fix things? Is it just lip service? Am I just supposed to call when I go into labor and he stand up and be there? I am thinking now that if things are still this way I don't want him in the delivery room. I should feel safe with the person that is there. He isn't my safe place anymore.

I realized I have not seen him in 2 weeks and have not personally spoken to him at all for that long as well. All communication is done thru texts. Very odd to me.

I was just watching Baby Story on tv. I cried because the dh's in that show are so supportive and loving. My labor and delivery won't be like that.

I miss him. I am scared to do this all alone.
_________________________

[Startingover2]

Very sad. I am missing him alot today. Feel very alone.

[blindsided1]

SO2. You WILL be okay. You know you will. Today is just one of those days. I know you miss him. Today I was feeling blah and nobody posted on my thread the last couple of days. I went back and started reading other areas on the board. It helped me. I suppose you have done that previously. But, it's worth a shot. I get the oddness of texting. It sucks. My H has resorted to that, as well. Sometimes I just have to say "this is ridiculous, you need to call me". It's pretty damn juvenile if you ask me. I just wanted to say hello and give my support. Another thing you can do, which really helped me bring my self esteem out of the dumps is to write down the things you like, the things you dislike and then also list your personality characteristics (as those your Mother were describing you). When I start to feel blue and down on myself, I read it. If anything it will keep you busy for a little while.

Tomorrow will be different. I'll check in with you a little later.

[Startingover2]

Thank you blindsided. It does help to see the support on here. Nobody IRL for me is super supportive. I mean they are...they think I ought to tell him to take a hike and don't look back. They forget I have major feelings for this guy and its not as easy as it looks. Its very cut and dry.

Those are good ideas to write things down. I know I am a decent person and a good mother. I was even a good wife. I wasn't perfect, but I stood on my head to make dh happy when he couldn't make himself happy.

I think you said you were about 11 weeks along now. Just wait until yours starts moving and you start hitting all the pregnancy milestones you should be sharing with your H. It really makes me sad. My baby was moving today and I am far enough along (26 weeks) where I can see my stomach moving. These are things that H should be sharing and seeing. In a couple of months I will be preparing for labor. So not what I wanted to go thru alone.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[blindsided1]

You can share those milestones with me. It will give me something to look forward to. This is my first, so I have no idea what to expect. I still haven't gained any weight and I lost 12 lbs in the beginning when all this crap started. However, a couple of weeks ago we had the Internal ultrasound and the baby was swinging it's little nubby arms and kicking its little stubby legs. The Doctor said it was doing the watoosee (no idea how to spell it) for us. H said that was went it hit him and it hit him hard that we were having a baby. But, it still doesn't change things. He isn't home. He says he will always be there for baby and me. But, I kindly reminded him that he IS NOT. On my thread I was posting the question of whether going dark was a good idea for me. He complained that I didn't give him the attention he needed. I wonder if by not calling him, he feels like I am still not giving him attention. It seems like he isn't filling in the gaps that I am putting between us. I worry that he won't. I know it has only been 2 days since we have spoken, but pathetically that feels like a long time to me. Did your H let the space get bigger between the 2 of you? When did he start filling in the gap, if ever? I'd love to hear your take.

P.s. What is dh? I get the H, but what's the d?

[Startingover2]

D stands for dear....probably should drop the d part.

My H left in July 06. We had many issues that he didn't want to address from blending families to his addictions. When he didn't want to do anything about this stuff I became angry and he withdrew. He left in a huff one day. I was devastated. I thought i couldn't live without him. He told me that he was just 'taking a break' and we could work on our issues. Even when he filed for divorce, it was just temporary. He would come by weekly, sometimes bi weekly and usually when he was drinking....we had sex, he said ILY, I miss you, etc. then leave and within a day or so I would get a text telling me he cannot forgive me (for what?) and it wouldn't work. I would be devastated all over again. Pretty soon I found out he was Mr. club/party/womanizer. I live in a small town and would hear everytime he went out and what sleaze he was all over. We never truly had a break. I had abandoned all of my things that were bugging me about him just to try and have him back.

In June of this year I got pregnant and found out mid July. He thought it was some sign that we should be back together but go really slowly. Fine with me, but then I started to find out he was still in contact with a girl who he dated and was intimate with during the separation. The rest is history and you can read it in my threads. So I have been on this rollercoaster for almost 1 1/2 years now. Looking back, my attempts to stay connected to him thru sex or being this wonderful wife didn't work. They just made him cake eat all the more. He never wanted me to move on,and when I started to is when he would pull the ILY's etc.

I love my baby and wouldn't trade her for anything, but looking back I wished I would have just walked away and not looked back. I would have been farther down the road by now.

I have no idea why this pregnancy happened. I am now concerned with her being healthy and in a stable home more than what is best for me...but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

[blindsided1]

It's good to read about your experience. I feel somehow that if we are having sex, he is still connected to me and the OW doesn't mean that much to him. But, then he stops the sex talk for a little while and I get scared that he isn't interested in sex with me and I start to feel like he is not attracted to me and it hurts. Today is day three of not talking to him. We have never gone this long without talking. It makes me sad to think that he isn't even missing me or thinking of me. I just could never have imagined that after working so hard for a baby, he could just up and walk out on our family, that we finally had a chance to have, for some stranger that he knew a couple of weeks. It is taking a huge toll on my self-esteem and the memory of what I thought our love meant to each other. Did the phone calls and contact become more and more infrequent? Did it stay that way?

[Startingover2]

No, it stayed that way for the entire year. But, it was only every week or so....in between he disappeared. Part of me knows he regrets his decision. He says so. But he also liked the single life and knows being married required alot of work. He did't know what he wanted (still doesn't) and kept in contact just so I wouldn't get stronger and move on. Very sick cycle.