The answer was staring me in the face all the time

[MaxP]

Ok, feeling a bit low and the need to let off steam, with a bit of journalling thrown in for good measure.

Just received an email from my W. She has spoken to an advisor about what steps we need to take to move forwards towards divorce. It looks like that because nothing contentious has happened between us, the earliest we can file for divorce is 2 years after separation (we are in the UK). In the email she lists all the various things we now need to do, like listing all our possessions and coming to an agreement about who gets what. Looking at pensions, life cover, etc. She has started to list some of the things she would leave, mainly items that are too big to move.

I find reading this stuff very depressing. There is never a hint of emotion or regret in what she says or does. No compassion. It's always very matter of fact. I guess in some ways that's good - but I can't believe everything is so cold and devoid of emotions. Surely she feels something?

Unlike many others here I've never had the slightest hint from her that she has felt we can turn this around (since the bomb). There has been some emotion - mainly fear for her future and some tears, but she has never backtracked. I feel like I could transform into a different person and it would still not have any affect on her. No chances, no opportunities. No real information or insight from her either. Just "it doesn't feel right any more". Her friends probably know far more than I do as to why this has happened.

I've made a few mistakes along the way, too much R talk at first, too many statements about how much she means to me. A disaster making her a photo album. No begging or pleading though - I have just been compliant (far too compliant). That's something I am trying to learn to change. To be assertive.

It's the lack of control or inability to influence the path of the divorce jugganaught that is so depressing. I have read, changed and learnt so much - but have never been given a chance to apply it to our R. I am not the same person.

The only overlap we have now relates to practical matters. We never see each other (since she left contact has been very controlled by her and infrequent). What can I do but move on? That's been her game plan from the start I think - despite claims to the contrary - and it's been devastatingly effective. I can find nothing to counter it. Surely her armour isn't completely impenetrable?

Anyone else had the same experience or felt like they've had no chance to influence their spouse since the bomb (8 months now)? Anyone else managed to get through to their spouse who has been like this? How on earth did you do it?

It's as if my wife has no emotions. She doesn't feel or empathise. I think to myself what has to happen to get to that state of mind? What did I do?

If your spouse has been like mine then you have my sympathy. It's a very lonely road.

Max