I know certain words I throw out may cause you to believe that I am a seriously bookish/crafty mommy type. And the weird thing is, I CAN be. But I am also the opposite of that in many ways. Maybe I am frustrated sometimes because I don't know completely who I am. I've noticed for years that half of me is one way and the other half is opposite.
I am a teacher. I scrapbook. I am strict with my children and think they should say please and thank you and yes, I buy GOBS of educational toys. I breastfed both of them, they learned baby sign language, we attended Gymboree classes. I am anal about tooth brushing, eating vegetables, not watching too much television and reading to them every day. Also, I changed quite a bit when my mom died when I was 23. It made me a more serious sensitive person. This has caused a sensitivity to women being degraded. Also, we lost our first son when I was 5 months pregnant. This caused a sensitivity to death and the importance of family and our children.
But...I cuss. I drink too much. My favorite groups are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Tool, oh and I'm a serious Gwen Stefani fan. I have really had to reel in the flirty side of me because it caused such ongoing issues with Joey, especially when we were out drinking.
In some ways, I am very much a Suzy Homemaker and in some ways I'm not at all. I've become much more settled down though since our 20's. Oh and I can't remember where I mentioned scrapbooking, but I think it was where I said I was going to do that with my best friend if I had gone to visit her. The thing about that is that the last time I went to visit her, I had just bought Divorce Remedy and started posting here. We went out and Joey was jealous as usual. Scrapbooking is something I've actually never done with her. She just got married in Vegas and wants help with her album.
Keep the ideas coming. I know that you guys are helping me. Thanks so much!!
I gotcha! Me too on most the Mom stuff. I am a tough cookie with a soft center as a Mom. Tough on education and behavior with a healthy sense of fun. I just recall that when I was LD in my first M I almost voluntarily submerged the edgier side of myself and immersed myself in the homier side. Something in your comments reminded me of that.
I have nothing against scrapbooking and wish I had the wherewithal to deal with our family photos. I was just looking at that particular hobby as a vehicle that could express more than one aspect of yourself. You need girlfriend time so if doing it pursuit of a hobby makes your H more comfortable go ahead.
What is up with the jealousy, mistrust etc? Something in your history there or is he just afraid that you lack connection and will be tempted because of that.
Sounds like a great night. Many thousand kudos for being vocal and for talking about the toy. These are really huge steps! Keep going for sex that is great FOR YOU. That is where you'll develop the kind of intimacy H longs for.
Still on a good streak. I woke him up late last night and we had some more time together. Things are going well. However, we have to get the house ready for company this w/e and have a lot to do. Hopefully, the typical stresses don't ruin things for us.
Karen, my old threads discuss his insecurities, but I am sure you don't have a week to catch up, so here's the short version: I broke up with him in our first year or two and we were very on-again, off-again. I thought our fights and his jealousy meant we weren't supposed to be together and he was EXTREMELY hurt. I never "cheated" but rather dumped him and just immediately got excited about other guys. He was crushed and we slowly repaired things. He has had a chip on his shoulder for over a decade now. (This all happened around 1992.) I caught him emailing a woman he met at a conference in Feb of '07. He claimed he was horribly unhappy and I had lost all passion for him. I thought we were just comfortable, you know, "fat and happy." I pretty much was. He thought we were roommates. So, I've been on here since last April and finally things seem to be steadily improving and HE DOES NOT MENTION THE PAST ANYMORE! YEA!
More later, must go be productive and get off this d@#^ computer!!
Maybe this is a great opportunity to try a 180 -- for getting ready for company, maybe do the MINIMUM this time and don't try to have everything perfect. Actually, why don't you intentionally leave some things NOT perfect?
lol! Oh man, if you saw my house right now, you'd think, "well, that shouldn't be too difficult!" I mentioned the gingerbread party and how I had my friends over with the kitchen only half painted. Oh well, just close friends. I really would love to have this project done by this Saturday, but I keep dragging my feet. It's "just family" but I do want things to look nice. I think that kind of thing bothers Joey as much as it does me, he just tends to make it like it's all me, or maybe all my fault, not sure. I did ask the teenager across the street if she could watch the kids tonight or tomorrow to give us a chance to eat dinner and accomplish a few things w/o the kids slowing everything down. Thanks for the advice, Oldtimer.
Kind of a negative thing going on right now, I can't exactly put my finger on it. I am hoping he is just tired from it being the end of the work week and is letting outside stresses cause him to take it out on me a bit. Then things will be fine over the weekend. Everything has been average/fine, bordering on positive. I mentioned last night that I needed to make a trip to Target, but assumed it wouldn't be a good time to go. I was pretty surprised to hear him say, "go!" He acted like it would be fine to leave him with the kids and go to do that, (somewhat unusual for him to suggest.) So I ran to the store, tried to hurry, was gone from 8:30 to 10:00. MJ, I sure have been thinking about your advice lately to get kids in bed early. Believe me, i've tried. I would be happy with 9:00, but it never seems to happen. They were in the tub when I left. When I returned, I crept inside, assuming they were in bed, but no, they were "finishing watching a cartoon" then he was going to get them to bed. Well, it would be very typical of me to complain about them not being in bed yet (not so much because I am protective of their sleep, but just that he ALWAYS falls asleep around 10 or 11, so I have to do everything after that and we get no alone time at all.) BUT, keeping a PMA, I had a big smile on my face, dropped my bags and said come here... I walked into the next bedroom and shut the door, smiling at him, told him to lie down. Now, I didn't think this through long enough to determine EXACTLY what I was going to do, probably at least go down on him, but he immediately was like, "no, what, I'm not doing that now." I barely even got the door shut and he's going into this, so I immediately went to plan b, just snuggling then, no sex, since the kids were right around the corner, but I can't even get him to lay down. When he said no, I immediately said ok, just lie down, still smiling. He repeated it and then instantly got like, irate. He said "you're pissing me off b/c you're not listening to me!" At this point, I get his drift and my eyes kinda bug out, like OK! He thought I was trying to push him into something when I just intended for us to lie down and snuggle or kiss when he originally said no to anything more. He said he didn't understand that and I guess he was trying to "apologize" when he said, rather sarcastically in my opinion, "sorry if that was your intent, but I didn't get that." He was walking off, steaming and I said, "BOY!" Because I'm thinking what a pile of sh!t I just stepped in for no reason. He backs up and repeats what I said and give me a dirty look and says don't act like that when I'm trying to apologize. He is just pissy pissy pissy and nothing I can say is right. This is the guy who said he wanted "spontaneous, passionate sex where I am into it." So, he falls asleep and I am up till 6 in the morning doing stuff around the house. (yes, 6 - I have a night owl problem.) I called him this morning with some trivial question, sounded cheerful, he always sounds like he's at a funeral, kind of hushed, somber tone. I wish he would act happy to speak to me, but I try not to make a big deal of it.
Tonight, I cook dinner and he is just acting like he's got a mild chip on his shoulder. I asked him very nicely if he would make a mix cd of Christmas songs for Mari and I, so we don't have to keep skipping past the ones we don't like. It was subtle, but I was irritated at the way he like, paused, and said, "yeah, I'd have to stay after work to do it." I said, "you've made several before, did you have to stay after to do any of them?" For a while, he was taking his favorite cd's to work and making mixes all the time. He didn't say he couldn't or wouldn't do it, but he just kind of put off this air that it would be a pain. I repeated that I asked him really nicely, it's for DD and I and if he can't that's fine, but I thought he could do it on his lunch break like he'd done all the others.
I bought him an early Christmas present tonight that I gave him when he got home from work tonight. Black fleece pj pants. We talked about doing a "12 Days of Christmas" thing where we could give each other some little gifts each day leading up to Christmas. I know I'm into it more than him and I'm out in the stores more and all that, but I was hoping he would give it a shot. It's no biggie that he didn't have anything for me, but I hope at some point in the next few days, he decides to participate and give me a little surprise. The next thing I have for him is just a bag of trail mix. Nothing huge.
Any insight?
Thanks everyone!
PS Our company was cancelled for this weekend due to snow, so I asked him if he would mind if I scrapbook Fri night and he said yes, if he could have some alone time Sat. Sun, I am taking Mari to the Nutcracker.
Hey, girl, I hate to say this, but for some reason later yesterday quite awhile after I read your last post, it popped into my mind that he's having an A, or at least contemplating it or maybe at least "talking" to someone else. I hate to even bring that up, and I know you nipped that other EA or whatever it was in the bud, but this is something you may want to "look into." Just the way he reacted to you initiated (referencing your last post) made my antennae go up. Hopefully he was just having a bad day for some reason, but that is totally out of character for him, you know?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
That kind of interaction - H getting all twitchy if it looks like I might want to do something sexual is normal around here. I don't know if it is indicative of an affair so much as a lack of trust, undercurrent of resentment and lack of respect. Zu - you may not want to make a big deal of it but you do need to call him on his disrespect. He can say no but he doesn't need to act crappy. IMO - he owes YOU an apology.
Thanks, girls. I just have a minute, he's in the other room watching cartoons with DD. All seems to be going well right now and I appreciate the input from both ends of the spectrum.
I went to a "crop" last night at a local scrapbook store. It is always nice to get away and let him be with the kids for an evening. I started on his coupon book. It is SOOO cool. I've never made anything like it and am really excited to give it to him. I also am trying to figure out what dates will actually work for the hotel getaway. That is complicated with the fact that family that was supposed to be visiting today cancelled due to weather and now wants to reschedule the Sat I was planning on us getting a room.
More later! Thank you again...very much! It's so nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff.
That is where you'll develop the kind of intimacy H longs for.