Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

Jenny

I will not do what mil says, it will get me now where and i know that. I go for at least a 72 hour hold on things for myself.

If i decide i will have a drink for you, YOU deserve one more than me girl.

is there anyway you could bottle your strength and sell it, I would give all I have for one half of your strength.

But I will have a shot of nightquil for you in a few minutes. Thanks

love
bear

[phbear316]

Grid lost

So glad i could make you night, glad you did not choke on the coffee. That was just my strange sense of humor coming out.

So glad it made you laugh..

maybe i will come out with another quip soon.

I am working on GAL, really i am, but it seems like he wants to try like home every night for dinner, so I think that is a step in the right direction, some days i will get numerous calls at work, but can guarantee at least two. Some days I get a hug, some days a hug and a kiss, some days i get nothing. just two weeks ago, he put his arm out so we could link arm in arm, that was new. This week he is going to a friends wedding with ow. I don't know if i am coming or going.

I am going to re read divorce busters again well i should say start for the second time, started and have not finished yet, but it down a few nights ago.

I will keep posting i promise you that, hopefully i will make you laugh again
bear

[Teddy]

Here is a book that may help you. It helped me cope with WAW, and realize how much my childhood had made me afraid.

Healing the Inner Child. You can buy it on Amazon.

[JennyF]

is there anyway you could bottle your strength and sell it, I would give all I have for one half of your strength.

I've had a few comments on my 'strength'. It makes me feel good that people feel I am strong even though I don't always feel that way. To be honest...some days it's all about 'fake it 'til you make it'.

But also, I have to say this. I am 100% committed to saving my marriage. I want to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to ensure that I give it the best possible chance of coming back together. I love my H and I miss him dearly. I ache for him and the life I know we can have together as a family.
BUT...I also believe in the DR principles and I know for certain that if I don't follow them...then I DECREASE the odds of getting what I want. The strength comes because I know it is my best chance of ultimately getting what I want. I can let it go if it means I may get it back. If I don't let it go...then I probably won't. It's just going to take more time than I would like. But...I think that time is meant for me. Meant for me to find myself and improve myself so that WHEN it does come back together...I'm ready to make it the best it can be!
You've read my thread...things aren't looking all that promising for my M at the moment, so I have to do what will increase those odds.

I read advice from other posters and I know what won't work...so why do it? A lot of times it's about my heart and my head battling it out...but my head has to prevail right now. In the process my heart is getting stronger.

Instead of me bottling the strength and selling it to you...it's here for you...in this thread in the form of encouragement from me and a lot of other people. The strength itself is within you...I know it is. And fake it til you make it!!

Thanks for the drinks! I hope we enjoyed them!!
(((HUGS)))
J~

[phbear316]

Jenny

I don't know now what is working and what is not working. Right now all i know is I am not talking to h, just cannot emotionally find the words. H is not engaging in any conversations also. And i have no voice to boot, all that comes out are squeeks and strange noises.

I have to get out of here soon, i cannot be here when he gets dressed for the wedding. Hurts to much. I want to tell him to tell robin and patrick i wish them a lifetime of happiness, but i know he will not tell them. so I;m just letting it go.

H just brought the laundry down to the basement and I guess separated it. You have got to be kidding me, you think I am going to stay here and do laundry you are out of your mind, mister.

Laundry day is sunday for me. I have some errands i want to do, and don't care if the malls are super crowed or not. I am still unsure if I will go and stay at my parents tonight, I really don't want to don't feel well.

I will not be home until late though most likely before h if he even is coming home that is.

anyway I will be back later on

((((hugs)))
bear

[phbear316]

I really need imput on this, need to know what my next steps are..

after I posted H was getting ready to "leave" saying he was going to check on crews then leave. H then says I will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow I try to say ( work up with no voice this am) I say you have got to be kidding me you are staying overnight with her?

I then say, there are so many not nice things i could say to you right now, but I won't what i will say is this.

I opened my heart and my soul you to him. told him everything I feel and felt. I told him i was wrong with things i admit it, i had problems, but you don't see the wonderful changes that are and have happened to me on the inside.

We lost communication between us, I told him my break thru over past relationship and how it felt like being raped all the time. I told him I have worked on it. I told him I don't appreciate what you are doing to me, I don't think it is fair, I would never do this to you.

I said you blame me for not having your children, or think I did not want to. Told him I was scared but work thru it. I said you blame me for not moving on with my career, I told him the job change I wanted was to be a mom. I said that h said he did not want to try inverto too expensive, Then h says i told you insurance would pay for three time and that was it. I said with all honesty I don't remember having that conversation with you. no at all. If you did don't you think I would have tried it. (again I love how he changes the truth) I also told H i want to have children with you, weather our own or adopted I want to hear little feet running around our home that we built. THis house of ours is our home and I don't want to give it up.

I told h i know he is having a mid life crisis. I told him I am willing to work on this marriage, I know it will take time, it won't happen by jan 1, it could take months, years, but I am willing to wait and work it out. We are good together, we have a lot of years good years ahead of us. This is a bump in the road for us, we have been knocked off the track but we can get back on. I believe we can

I said she does not know you in your sole I do. I know you heart an sole. I am putting the slate out and it is wiped it clean, except for #1 which will never change, my love for you, my true deep soul full love. I said some more things, like you and I both need to communicate that is where most of our problem lies. Spoke again about the good things in me that have changed, things that you cannot see, but will be able to see if you work at it with me.

I did say, haven't you noticed that everytime you knock me now like tonight, I keep getting back up, and still want to try to fix this. You keep pushing me down, but I keep getting back up.

I then said, I don't know how it is possible but I love you more everyday, and I don't know why. I did say other women would have put you stuff on the lawn and told you to leave. I have not done so, I could throw you out and change the locks, H then jumps all over me and says you can't my name is on the house. I know I say, which is why I will not do that, its not me to do that to you.

I told h I should be the one who you are taking to the wedding your wife, not the ow, it should be me you will make love to tonight not fu*&ing her.

H just stood there the whole time, with a look on his face like she is talking like the teacher from charlie brown wa, wah wah wa.

I did say to H another point of, you have taken control, you sneak home to get the mail before i see it, you sneak the bill before i see them, because you don't want me to see how much of OUR/My money you spend on her. I could have taken my money out of the joint account and you would have to ask me for money, but I did not feel it was right to do. Is said you control it all, like there is no christmas here, you made that decision and i had nothing to say about it, i just decorated some myself, which he says I;m glad you did. I said are we even going to have a christmas? he says we will talk about it tomorrow.

H did say, he was sorry for hurting me, (which I dont believe) H says we will talk tomorrow, H did say I know you are trying very hard on working on saving this marriage, but i don't want to. was his closing statement.

I said then I know this is stupid, but can i have a hug, i got one, and i said i know you wont tell robin and patrick i wish them a happy life. he claims he will again don't believe

SO now I need everyone's help for tomorrow, how do i deal with it. How do i deal with being alone tonight knowing full well he is fu*&ing another woman. So far I have a large vodka and cranberry to drink.

what is funny, i don't even want to cry, I know if I start I will not stop. but find it very strange i have not started to.

so Help need ideas and suggestions for dealing with tomorrow

help
phbear

[JennyF]

Wow bear...you let it all out!
I did this with my H a few days before my S was born. Same thing...he just sat there with that blank look on his face listening. I don't know if he really heard any of it. I like to think he walked away and thought about it...but 2 months later I at least know that it did not make any difference. In fact I'm sure it further solidified his feelings. The more I talked about how wrong he was...the more firm he became in his decision.

H then says I will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow I try to say ( work up with no voice this am) I say you have got to be kidding me you are staying overnight with her?

Were you really that surprised? I know you were hurt by it, but were you surprised? My H had his work Christmas party last night and I'm sure they were together.
Of course...he's not hiding it. He's telling me it's over btween us with no chance of trying. Why wouldn't he spend the night with her? It sounds the same for your H. Maybe because my H doesn't live here anymore (errr...right now), it's easier to accept...or maybe I should say...easier to EXPECT.

I think tomorrow you should maybe let him do the talking. Listen and validate. Try to read through DR and refocus on DB'ing (that should keep you busy tonight!!).
I don't think there is anything that you told him that he probably didn't already know...but I think you maybe should prepare yourself for the fact that he just doesn't care right now.
Sorry bear...I know it's a rough night...I'm thinking about you.
J~

[sgctxok]

Well, honey, I'm sorry you went through all this.

Your next step is to go PITCH BLACK. NO CONTACT.

Every piece of the below conversation is a 'push away':


I said you blame me for not having your children, or think I did not want to. Told him I was scared but work thru it. I said you blame me for not moving on with my career, I told him the job change I wanted was to be a mom. I said that h said he did not want to try inverto too expensive, Then h says i told you insurance would pay for three time and that was it. I said with all honesty I don't remember having that conversation with you. no at all. If you did don't you think I would have tried it. (again I love how he changes the truth) I also told H i want to have children with you, weather our own or adopted I want to hear little feet running around our home that we built. THis house of ours is our home and I don't want to give it up.

I told h i know he is having a mid life crisis. I told him I am willing to work on this marriage, I know it will take time, it won't happen by jan 1, it could take months, years, but I am willing to wait and work it out. We are good together, we have a lot of years good years ahead of us. This is a bump in the road for us, we have been knocked off the track but we can get back on. I believe we can

I said she does not know you in your sole I do. I know you heart an sole. I am putting the slate out and it is wiped it clean, except for #1 which will never change, my love for you, my true deep soul full love. I said some more things, like you and I both need to communicate that is where most of our problem lies. Spoke again about the good things in me that have changed, things that you cannot see, but will be able to see if you work at it with me.

I did say, haven't you noticed that everytime you knock me now like tonight, I keep getting back up, and still want to try to fix this. You keep pushing me down, but I keep getting back up.

I then said, I don't know how it is possible but I love you more everyday, and I don't know why. I did say other women would have put you stuff on the lawn and told you to leave. I have not done so, I could throw you out and change the locks, H then jumps all over me and says you can't my name is on the house. I know I say, which is why I will not do that, its not me to do that to you.

I told h I should be the one who you are taking to the wedding your wife, not the ow, it should be me you will make love to tonight not fu*&ing her.

H just stood there the whole time, with a look on his face like she is talking like the teacher from charlie brown wa, wah wah wa.

I did say to H another point of, you have taken control, you sneak home to get the mail before i see it, you sneak the bill before i see them, because you don't want me to see how much of OUR/My money you spend on her. I could have taken my money out of the joint account and you would have to ask me for money, but I did not feel it was right to do. Is said you control it all, like there is no christmas here, you made that decision and i had nothing to say about it, i just decorated some myself, which he says I;m glad you did. I said are we even going to have a christmas? he says we will talk about it tomorrow.

H did say, he was sorry for hurting me, (which I dont believe) H says we will talk tomorrow, H did say I know you are trying very hard on working on saving this marriage, but i don't want to. was his closing statement.

I said then I know this is stupid, but can i have a hug, i got one, and i said i know you wont tell robin and patrick i wish them a happy life. he claims he will again don't believe

SO now I need everyone's help for tomorrow, how do i deal with it. How do i deal with being alone tonight knowing full well he is fu*&ing another woman. So far I have a large vodka and cranberry to drink.

what is funny, i don't even want to cry, I know if I start I will not stop. but find it very strange i have not started to.

so Help need ideas and suggestions for dealing with tomorrow




When he is walking out the door, heading to another woman, blaming him, letting out your venom ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.

I realize you are so hurt and you have EVERY RIGHT. But that will lead to a consequence you don't want.

If you want to win, you must stop this, there is no other choice. It will never work for you.

If you don't do this, prepare for the worst.


***

Bear...I don't say this to hurt your feelings....but you can't make reasons or excuses. You can't do this.

[phbear316]

Jenny

I put myself out today, H has to know how I feel from my soul. I don't want to give up, I want my h for ever with me not her

I thought maybe he would take her to the wedding I did not think he would stay the night with her. Thats what kills me, the wedding ok, the overnight fuc*&ing her more thatn I can handle right now, I know he fu*&&s her but I thought maybe he would not disrespect me. He still lives at home with me, I am still his wife I thought he would come home to our house. Not in bed with me like I wish everytnight but home here. This overnight is killing me. As i sit here balling my eyes out. knowing he is loving someone other than me.

Its hard to deal with the fact that he is with her right now I am so beyond drunk right now its amazing how I am typing this, This is not how I wanted it to be with us. I hate myself for letting this happen to us, I hate this whole thing rignt now, more than anyone knows, I feel its all my fault oh my god what have i done.

I hurt so much right now you have no idea.

help me get thru tomorrow

[JennyF]

I do have an idea how much you're hurting bear and I am so sorry. I'm hurting right along with you.
Please know I'm thinking about you and if I was there I would give you a huge hug.

Please stop blaming and hating yourself, you don't deserve that and it's just the vodka talking.

Go have some water...
((((HUGS)))))
J~