Today I got at tree. My stepdad dropped it off. H had wanted to come by Sunday to bring a tree and put up the lights on the house. I wanted to make sure that I had at least done one of these things without him so I got the tree. D and I decorated it tonight...well, mostly me. I cried the whole time. Every decoration I pulled out of the box was a memory wrapped in tissue paper. The one from our honeymoon, when we moved into the house, our first X-mas together...this would have been our 10th. I put all of his ornaments in a separate box (the drill, the golf ball, anything with his name on it). I kept only the tree lights on in the room so D couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. I said to myself...just keep going until it's done. Cry if you have to just get it done. And I did. It looks great. It took 1/2 a box of Kleenex and some seriously swollen eyes, but that tree is trimmed!!
My best friends came by (L, JB and their kids who are the exact same age as our 2). They gave me support and I was glad they were here to bring me out of my sobbing state of sadness.
H called in the middle of it. I think he was a bit surprised and maybe disappointed that I'd gone ahead and gotten the tree when he had offered. Good. He asked what was going on tonight and tomorrow. I think he wanted to come over tonight to see the kids. I told him our friends were coming over and he just said "Ok. Can I come tomorrow after hockey? I'll put up the lights." I said ok.
See...ever since my blow up the other day...now he is acting all nice again. Because I called him on the anger and stood up to him...he knows he can't get away with it now. But now that he's being nice it's even harder to talk to him without being sad. At least when he was being an a$$*&%e I could easily detach. But I did sense some slight nervousness in his voice. The arrogance he's been showing has lifted slightly, we'll see if it comes back.
So I'm determined to go into tomorrow with my best DB'ing yet! I don't think I can act totally happy, in fact I think I have be a little quiet almost giving the impression that I'm still a bit angry about his recent actions. Although this is not a stretch...I am still pissed. That will keep him 'nervous'. I'll work towards happy over a few days. For me first and foremost...but for DB purposes too!
I have to say I am most nervous about the fact he has now heard from me and my best friend that "I have let the marriage go". Another reason he is acting so nice...he doesn't feel he has to be as A$$ in order to not give me false hope. It's weird.
All I can hope is that the wheels are turning in his head. That although he won't show it or say anything to anyone, I hope to God that he is at least thinking about things. I hope the holidays spark some retrospection of the last decade. I was wondering if I should give him his ornaments....but then I thought, nah. I'll wait until I'm repacking them in January and do it then. You never know what can happen between now and then. SANTA! I'D LIKE MY H FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE!!! J~
