Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

I really need imput on this, need to know what my next steps are..

after I posted H was getting ready to "leave" saying he was going to check on crews then leave. H then says I will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow I try to say ( work up with no voice this am) I say you have got to be kidding me you are staying overnight with her?

I then say, there are so many not nice things i could say to you right now, but I won't what i will say is this.

I opened my heart and my soul you to him. told him everything I feel and felt. I told him i was wrong with things i admit it, i had problems, but you don't see the wonderful changes that are and have happened to me on the inside.

We lost communication between us, I told him my break thru over past relationship and how it felt like being raped all the time. I told him I have worked on it. I told him I don't appreciate what you are doing to me, I don't think it is fair, I would never do this to you.

I said you blame me for not having your children, or think I did not want to. Told him I was scared but work thru it. I said you blame me for not moving on with my career, I told him the job change I wanted was to be a mom. I said that h said he did not want to try inverto too expensive, Then h says i told you insurance would pay for three time and that was it. I said with all honesty I don't remember having that conversation with you. no at all. If you did don't you think I would have tried it. (again I love how he changes the truth) I also told H i want to have children with you, weather our own or adopted I want to hear little feet running around our home that we built. THis house of ours is our home and I don't want to give it up.

I told h i know he is having a mid life crisis. I told him I am willing to work on this marriage, I know it will take time, it won't happen by jan 1, it could take months, years, but I am willing to wait and work it out. We are good together, we have a lot of years good years ahead of us. This is a bump in the road for us, we have been knocked off the track but we can get back on. I believe we can

I said she does not know you in your sole I do. I know you heart an sole. I am putting the slate out and it is wiped it clean, except for #1 which will never change, my love for you, my true deep soul full love. I said some more things, like you and I both need to communicate that is where most of our problem lies. Spoke again about the good things in me that have changed, things that you cannot see, but will be able to see if you work at it with me.

I did say, haven't you noticed that everytime you knock me now like tonight, I keep getting back up, and still want to try to fix this. You keep pushing me down, but I keep getting back up.

I then said, I don't know how it is possible but I love you more everyday, and I don't know why. I did say other women would have put you stuff on the lawn and told you to leave. I have not done so, I could throw you out and change the locks, H then jumps all over me and says you can't my name is on the house. I know I say, which is why I will not do that, its not me to do that to you.

I told h I should be the one who you are taking to the wedding your wife, not the ow, it should be me you will make love to tonight not fu*&ing her.

H just stood there the whole time, with a look on his face like she is talking like the teacher from charlie brown wa, wah wah wa.

I did say to H another point of, you have taken control, you sneak home to get the mail before i see it, you sneak the bill before i see them, because you don't want me to see how much of OUR/My money you spend on her. I could have taken my money out of the joint account and you would have to ask me for money, but I did not feel it was right to do. Is said you control it all, like there is no christmas here, you made that decision and i had nothing to say about it, i just decorated some myself, which he says I;m glad you did. I said are we even going to have a christmas? he says we will talk about it tomorrow.

H did say, he was sorry for hurting me, (which I dont believe) H says we will talk tomorrow, H did say I know you are trying very hard on working on saving this marriage, but i don't want to. was his closing statement.

I said then I know this is stupid, but can i have a hug, i got one, and i said i know you wont tell robin and patrick i wish them a happy life. he claims he will again don't believe

SO now I need everyone's help for tomorrow, how do i deal with it. How do i deal with being alone tonight knowing full well he is fu*&ing another woman. So far I have a large vodka and cranberry to drink.

what is funny, i don't even want to cry, I know if I start I will not stop. but find it very strange i have not started to.

so Help need ideas and suggestions for dealing with tomorrow

help
phbear