Long and bumpy road

[Startingover2]

Do you ever feel like you cannot make it another day with this going on in your life? That is how I feel today. I wonder what else can go wrong and if it does, can I handle it?

Had a doctors appointment today. She took one look at me and said I looked exhausted! Gee thanks...lol. I explained my sitation with my daughter on top of things with dh. I lost 2 lbs this month and my bp was borderline. She said get rid of the stress. No more. Time to take care of SO2 and baby.

I left dh a text telling him doctors appointment went ok. Nothing more.

Him: Why didn't you tell me? I would have loved to go. What did the doctor say?
Me: Things are ok, but I have to eliminate the stress. It's taking its toll on me.
Him: OK, let me know what I can do.

I left it at that. Ummmm, lets see....does he not realize he is part of the stress? OMG such denial.

I picked up my daughter and took her to work. I did my best to have a smile and be happy. She finally hissed at me and asked why I was acting like things were ok? She is still mad at me for ratting her out, not the fact that what she did was wrong. She is supposed to come back with me tomorrow night...we will see. She may want to stay with her dad. It will break my heart. I will have to tell her if that is her choice then I am no longer her taxi, slave, and her cel phone comes back to me. Her dad can provide all those things if he is stupid enough to go along with it all. I worry so much about her if she lives with her dad. He works and has a life and will end up leaving her alone and free alot...which is why his house is so appealing.

Rough day and I am feeling very down and very alone. I have nothing planned or to do tonight. Friends are with husbands and my kids are with their dad. This sucks.

[JAK58]

SO2,

You need to go do something for you. Shop movies whatever it takes.

Your D will get a wake up sall if she goes and stays at Dads and you take those things away. I would also. It would really be a reality check for her. Her Dad may leave her alone to do what ever you need to talk to him about that. But even that would get old. Maybe you should discuss with him not giving her all of those things if she lives with him. then she would have to live without them and that would make her think twice.
Typical teenage crap anyway.

You can not wiorry about you and H. Worry about you and Baby.
Every time you think about caving think of how he's been and that he needs to work on him. Did you keep texting him after the uinital text?

JAK

[Startingover2]

No, I didn't respond after he asked what he can do to help me with stress. That pretty much did it for me.

Found out that his brother and wife are in town for the weekend. That usually means a party weekend. They like to drink and party so I am sure dh will be along for the ride and not really thinking about his consequences right now. When do the consequences hit? When does he realize that he is making the wrong choice?

I was thinking this morning that my hopeful stage is getting thin. I had the hope that by my telling dh he needed to get himself together or not be around that he would snap out of this.....instead its like he is saying "ok, bye".

I would love to do other things. Outside of my kids all of my friends are married and don't do much outside their families. Need to find something though.

[Startingover2]

Just got a couple of texts from him:

-Hope you and baby have a good day. Let me know if you need anything this weekend, I will be home.
-Let me know if you need help doing your xmas tree.

I know he is just trying to soften the ice with me. Where was he last weekend when I needed him? And, I already got our tree...thanks.

[JAK58]

You are absolutely right so2. He is trying t soften the ice.

Keep up the good work.

Think i pissed off my H. I went out after work and got home about 5 minutes after i expected him home and he was gone. He had been home but i wonder if he is looking for me. Oh well

JAK

[Startingover2]

LOL Jak...good for you. Its always nice to make them wonder a bit after all the wondering we have done!

Going to watch a movie with my girls tonight. Trying not to think of the sich.

Have a good night.

[JAK58]

SO2,

How was your Movie?

H and I got into a argument of sorts he didn't see anything wrong with leaving and not letting me know. He says I didn't leave a note or call. I told him i wasn't home to leave a note after work and didn't call because i was right behind him getting home with his dinner no less. He must have passed me on the road i didn't ask him if he saw me. Not very good DB because i was mad. It brought back the last two years of him not telling me any thing and just leaving but oh well he'll get over it or he won't. I did write him a letter that i'm going to drop off at work today with a shake for him.

JAK

[Startingover2]

The movie was good...The Nanny Diaries. Cute movie.

Are you giving your dh the same letter you posted here a few days ago? That was a great letter. I am sure none of us can keep up the DB 24/7 without a slip, but you seem to do great. I hope your night went better.

As each day goes by with really no change, I come to realize that me, this baby or this family is not worth dh fighting for. I am very angry with myself for buying his crap when I found out I was pregnant....the we are going to go slow and hopefully someday we can reconcile. It was a boatload of crap/bs. It was just empty words and crumbs just enough to keep me around and turn into his puppet. He would have this life forever if he could. Make me think we are making progress while he was living a different life on the side.

[Startingover2]

This is hard. Dh has sent 4 texts asking how I am doing and when I didn't respond he asks if I am there???? This is the same thing we have done for over a year now. He sends the same testing the waters texts, I respond, we got together, he left and nothing changed.

I hate not responding. Makes me feel like I am playing some sort of game. Almost like if I make him mad enough will he change his ways. Its Saturday and he is probably drinking. Im sure he is texing OW and probably others as well because he needs that validation that he is such a wanted man. Can you tell I am getting riled up here? Then, I don't respond, he drinks more and gets to the point where he needs some ego stroking and goes out or finds ow. Its a vicous cycle.

How do you stop it?

[Startingover2]

I got another text awhile ago. "please answer me. I am worried"

Yeah right. Worried? I do text back Im fine. He says to let him know if I need anything and he wishes things were different.

Wow. He acts like the choices I made are keeping him away. I don't necessarily believe him anyway. He might just be saying that to keep the carrot dangling. Thats a bad sign when you don't trust the sincerity of thier words.

I am feeling down. Looks like I will be raising this baby on my own for real. I am 42 years old. Who is ever going to want to date a women my age with a young child? Most men my age have older kids now and who wants to start over? I feel so hopeless. Just me and baby and my other kids.

Why are weekends so hard? Its tough during the week, but not like this. Maybe its because I know dh is probably living it up somewhere while I sit here 6 1/2 mos. pregnant and alone.