"Subject: i tried Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:59:48 -0500
okay, i tried being courtiouse. i need you to respond to the rest of my e-mail. i need those couple of things that i asked for. i would like for you to do what you ask of me. help me make plans ahead of time. i will be over there next weekend to take care of the yard and my hot tub, probably most of the day on saturday and part of sunday. i will be sure to be out of there with the kids before dark. i need the shirts for scouts so i can have it ready for his next court of honor. i would like to know when you have things like the class trip planned so i can plan my time with the kids, i had no idea you were going . it would be nice if you sent info about S's concert so i can plan to be there. i am buying for the cousins that i told you about, you asked for a budget for christmas shopping. if you feel the need to buy for them as well that is up to you but it seems you should buy for your cousins kids and kathy's kids and keep the money down. just a thought. and i bought S the go phone and will tend to the minutes as well. thanks"
Why have I become the enemy? I broke and called him. I am so tired of this. He started off mean but I held my ground. I told him that he was the one who wanted things to be business-like, and that was what I was doing. I didn't have more than 24 hours to answer all of his questions, although I had planned to. He went into the thing with the cell phone, saying I was a liar and CW's H had told me about it. I told him I don't lie. He got nasty and said, yeah, right....I was mad and pushed it. Finally, he started b!tching about "going past the house on weekends when I had the kids and my car wasn't there, and they need their parent in the house when they are sleeping." Of course, I had his parents listening for them.
I told him he has no idea how lonely I have been, how I am trying to get on with my life, how the children are taken care of. Somehow we got back to business and dates about the kids. The whole thing was draining.
I missed my Staff Christmas party that night. Took the kids to COSTCO. Didn't get my grades posted.
I got through Friday, which ended up being a great day with S on his field trip into the Museum of Natural History. There was snow, and we got home after 9:30. H called my cell around 6:30. He had already dropped D off back with his parents. I let him talk with S on the bus.
Now I know why he dropped D off and was so pissy--this was another of "their" weekends. I didn't realize it. I did the no-no this morning, feeling so down about getting the tree without him with us, and I called. I was happy to hear that he was still home, and was about to ask him to join us, when he said he was not alone. I hurried off the phone, then fell apart.
I got calm enough to get my coat on, tell the kids I had to run out. When I got outside I saw her truck was back. I called him and he was on the road to LI. She was with him. I told him I had been on my way to beg her to leave him alone, send him back to his family, his children who miss him so much. How can he do this? He told me that he wasn't doing this today (his standard response), to call my therapist, and hung up on me.
I can't do this.
FIL came out just as I was getting hung up on. He brought me into his apt and held me. I can't help it, I just cry, how can he do this? How can he be away from the kids, from me?
How long will this pain go on? Distraction, meditation, spirituality, patience.....I hurt for me, for the kids.
********* I stayed with them for about 20 minutes, until I could get myself back together. I am able to pull things back together more quickly, and even with the phone call, today was just profound sadness tinged with anger, not desperation as much.
OK, I got some perspective. IC had asked me what my plan will be the next time that I have a panic attack, the next time I start to slip down the well...
So, I got the kids set up with lunch and went to bed, getting rid of a "headache." If that is what it takes, then so be it. I got up about an hour later, then we all piled into the minivan to go get trees and other decorations. We picked a really pretty tree, even if we didn't cut it down ourselves. S and I rangeled it into the stand and got it into place, then he spent hours setting up the train underneath. D & I brought up the other decorations for the mantle, etc, and started getting that set up. We'll figure out the lights tomorrow, then I'll let the kids put the ornaments up.
Still not sure what is happening for Christmas day--in-laws and I were originally going to invite all up here, but heard that grandma is planning a menu. FIL and MIL won't go, because he has to work both nights. I really don't want to go, either--long drive to someplace I really don't want to be. So, up in the air, still.
H will have them Sun into XMas eve, dropping them home by 7. I may ask for a bit earlier if I do the traditional Italian fish dinner I was thinking of. They will be with me for Christmas. He will have them for the long weekend into and through New Year's Day.
I was always enthralled with this time of year--the decorations, the lights, the singing, helping others, being with family....I know that this one will be hard, because it is the first. But I will Act As If, fake it, etc., for me, and the kids most importantly. I got a chance to talk with bff down the street, too, for over an hour tonight, and that helped. Church tomorrow.
I am thinking that having H here next weekend to clean up his mess and the yard might not be a bad thing. I want to get the Christmas shopping done. It is overwhelming, the fall clean-up (and we got 2 inches of snow on top of that last night). Maybe I'd feel better about it if he didn't have the kids helping, too. Maybe they will have some playdates planned...
I am exhausted. IC reminded me that the adrenaline dump is very taxing every time it happens. Couple with not sleeping great, anyway, and taking a nap break is not a bad idea when I can do it safely. So I am looking forward to hitting the pillow tonight.
