not a peep

[Trixi]

H came over today. Wanted to ask me face to face if I would go for the online divorce idea.

He told me that he really just wants to be done. That he can either saw his leg off slowly or chop it off all at once, and he just wants to chop it off. I said that there was a third option of getting it operated on and getting physical therapy since legs are important. He countered with "I don't know that I think it is."

I mentioned Retro and he interrupted and said he didn't want to do it. I said that from my perspective (which I recognized was different than his) I thought we could make something of the marriage. He said that he agreed; but doesn't want to do it.

Sort of rehashed some old hurt feelings on both our parts. He checked out a long time ago and now just wants to move on; he is tired of doing "the right thing".

Talked about the bedroom set. I said it seemed a little bit like he wanted to keep the one he bought and he said 'no, you can have it.' I said, "Well, I don't know that I want your "transitional" bed" and he said "I haven't slept in it with anyone. I haven't had sex with anyone, anywhere."

I said "Is that why you are in such a hurry?" and he said "in a way. I want to be able to do what I want to do and not feel bad about it. I'm not saying there is anyone."

I asked him about this "nothing is forever" thing. He was like "well, nothing except love does last forever. This house won't be here forever, those trees won't be here forever, you and I won't be here forever, marriage isn't forever, even divorce isn't forever. People think it is, but it really doesn't have to be. People do get back together. I just don't want to be married right now."

He wants us to be friends and "if getting a divorce takes that from him, then that really sucks for him." He added that he understood that we probably wouldn't be able to be friends right away.

Somewhere in the convo he said "Who knows? You might find someone else. I might find someone else. We both might get together with other people. And then, a couple years down the road we run into eachother and go have a cup of coffee and end up back together. I have no idea what the future holds."

I said that I thought he was too confident that I was always going to be here and he said "not after this, I'm not. I totally get that this is the end for us. That is what I want. A clean break. But after this, no, I don't assume you're going to wait." Oh, and I said that he was spoiled and he agreed (aka cake eating) and he didn't want do that anymore.

I told him that I agreed we needed a break because I am so hurt and I don't trust him to not hurt me. Not because he is a mean person, but because he does hurt me and I am battered and I need to heal. He said that was the other part of his motivation; he is tired of hurting me. He then went down the path of us both healing and getting back together in the future.

That's all I can remember right now. We are supposed to talk nitty-gritty financials when he gets back in Jan. He wants us to celebrate Christmas with DD on the 17th before he leaves for New York. I asked if he and I were exchanging gifts and he said "sure. nothing big, though."

WTF is happening in my life? I guess I should be glad that we're getting along so famously--I just don't understand WHY he won't try to make it work. Well, yes I do. Because he doesn't want to. Simple as that.
Crap.
I am so sad.