I'd posted this in the I'm thinking about leaving forum earlier today but since I keep getting drawn to the MLC forum thought I'd post this here instead:
Hello all
I am not a stranger to these boards but I suppose all those that I knew have long since moved on.
A brief re-cap:
Me: 35 H: 37 Married: 8
I found out that my husband was having an affair early January 2005. The nightmare that followed is, I suppose fairly, commonplace. In April or May 2006, I found out that the affair was still going strong and I decided that that was it for me. I totally detached and began to take steps to separate. In early Jan, H began to talk about a future and things began to markedly improve. We bought a house, started a new business venture and began to make long term plans.
I found out a couple of months ago, that he is either still having the affair or has never ended it. Anyway, the affair is still on. Things at home are unbelievably horrible. H accuses me of being a horrible wife, of ruining his life, of forcing him to marry me, of being a nasty human being. He speaks angrily to me all the time and expects me to bend over backwards for him at all times. He expects me to continue to contribute to the marriage without expecting anything in return. He resents every penny he pays towards household expenses and accusses me of trying to cheat him of his money and of trying to use him.
I am really really tired. I just want to leave with my head high and I want to be able to rise above it all and its so difficult. Today for example, he got up in the morning and no matter what the situation, he answered with absolute rudeness and with so much anger in the tone. For example, 'Ei, i want to put these clothes in the washer dryer and I want to dry them in there as well. I dont want to dry them on the clothes line'. The 'ei' was so derogatory in tone that its hard to describe.
I was supposed to pick him up from the high street today. D and I were at a shopping centre 15 min away and he called to say he was ready to be picked up. So D and I got in the car; but hit a really really bad patch of traffic. A 15 min journey took us 30 min and he was nasty about this as well.
I'm on this board for support and strength as I move towards leaving him. Any advice, support and suggestions would be very very welcome.
I know that most of those who are here in the forum are trying to save their marriage; but I am strongly beginning to suspect that my H is going through an MLC and I just really need some support. Thanks.
Hi Sophie- Do you believe that your H could be having a MLC? Go to the MLC resources thread and read as much as you can so you can decide if you think your H is having an MLC. Typically, when an MLCer has an affair, it is completely out of character for him or her. So, prior to finding out about the A, would you have never suspected your H would have done something like this? With the information you gave (a 3 year A during an 8 year M), I have some doubts...but I am no expert.
I suggest you do some research and then post your thoughts. MLC or not, we will try to help.
Thanks for the response. I had read the MLC resources and that's why I posted here. In fact when I emailed a friend the MLC for dummies - she wrote back and said, is that your H's bible - its so him, its unbelievable, where did you find it?
I suppose if an affair is atypical behaviour, then maybe my H is not in MLC which is a relief in many ways as it means he is not going to suffer in the ways that an MLC would. My H has always been very flirtatious but I dont know if he would have had an affair. But then again, at this point I dont know what to think.
I suppose I should also mention that the OW is not in the same country as us and so the total days that they've seen each other would not amount to more than one month in these three years.
Early this year, when we began to re-commit to the marriage, H was a totally different person. It was as if a fog had lifted and the same person I had married was back. Now, the same man who appeared when he was having his affair is back in a more vicious way.
Thanks for the response. I had read the MLC resources and that's why I posted here. In fact when I emailed a friend the MLC for dummies - she wrote back and said, is that your H's bible - its so him, its unbelievable, where did you find it?
I suppose if an affair is atypical behaviour, then maybe my H is not in MLC which is a relief in many ways as it means he is not going to suffer in the ways that an MLC would. My H has always been very flirtatious but I dont know if he would have had an affair. But then again, at this point I dont know what to think.
I suppose I should also mention that the OW is not in the same country as us and so the total days that they've seen each other would not amount to more than one month in these three years.
Early this year, when we began to re-commit to the marriage, H was a totally different person. It was as if a fog had lifted and the same person I had married was back. Now, the same man who appeared when he was having his affair is back in a more vicious way.
Thanks for the response. I had read the MLC resources and that's why I posted here. In fact when I emailed a friend the MLC for dummies - she wrote back and said, is that your H's bible - its so him, its unbelievable, where did you find it?
I suppose if an affair is atypical behaviour, then maybe my H is not in MLC which is a relief in many ways as it means he is not going to suffer in the ways that an MLC would. My H has always been very flirtatious but I dont know if he would have had an affair. But then again, at this point I dont know what to think.
I suppose I should also mention that the OW is not in the same country as us and so the total days that they've seen each other would not amount to more than one month in these three years.
Early this year, when we began to re-commit to the marriage, H was a totally different person. It was as if a fog had lifted and the same person I had married was back. Now, the same man who appeared when he was having his affair is back in a more vicious way.
Thanks for the response. I had read the MLC resources and that's why I posted here. In fact when I emailed a friend the MLC for dummies - she wrote back and said, is that your H's bible - its so him, its unbelievable, where did you find it?
I suppose if an affair is atypical behaviour, then maybe my H is not in MLC which is a relief in many ways as it means he is not going to suffer in the ways that an MLC would. My H has always been very flirtatious but I dont know if he would have had an affair. But then again, at this point I dont know what to think.
I suppose I should also mention that the OW is not in the same country as us and so the total days that they've seen each other would not amount to more than one month in these three years.
Early this year, when we began to re-commit to the marriage, H was a totally different person. It was as if a fog had lifted and the same person I had married was back. Now, the same man who appeared when he was having his affair is back in a more vicious way.
So I guess you think H is just a WAS?
oh and thanks for offering support regardless of whether its a MLC or not
Sophie- Like I said, I am no expert...it is possible that it could be a MLC. Was there some event that could have started a crisis?...lose of job, a serious illness or loss of a loved one?
Do you have any kids? It sounds like your H is still at home...so it can be very difficult on you. You need to detach, GAL and take your focus off your H.
MLC can take years so it is possible that your H is MLC...Keep reading and posting. Hopefully you will get some of the more experienced DBer's chiming in.
We moved to the UK and I think that this move coupled with a move we had made straight after our marriage might have made an impact. H is from a society that had been closed off for many many years. Moving to the UK and facing the completely different way of life may have made an impact? His brother came to visit the summer before the A started and basically told him that I was too bold and that he needed to control me.
I am not a bad person but I guess our cultural differences are too great.
I am trying to detach as much as possible. Read on for today's update.
Today is H's birthday. Yesterday night at about 11 he went up to bed and came down at around 12.30 for a smoke. I thought it was odd but didnt think anything of it until this morning. Sure enough, when I checked the redial numbers, he had made a call last night.
This morning I said to him, that I know he called his girlfriend last night. He said, why do you spy on me? I said if there was nothing to spy on why would I need to look?
I pushed albeit in calm controlled tones and he basically let on that he had looked at a website on how to apply for divorces and that next year he wants to apply for a divorce on 'unreasonable grounds'.
The fact that he doesnt even want to wait for a two year separation tells me that he wants to divorce asap and wants to marry ow soon. H turned 37 today and is conscious that he is not getting any younger. Ow is 27.
