Hi everyone I have been coming to this board off and on for almost a year now. Lots of people here trying to help each other, which is great, but in most cases it is bewildered people trying to help others who are just as confused. I know because i have lived it here. The best help i found for myself have been from several books i have read. The best changes we can make in my opinion is to change the way we interact with our partner. John Gottman has some great books out that address this. His Seven Principles and 10 Lessons books i have found to be especially helpful. They may not get your spouse back, but as said here, the changes are for the LBS anyway and I know i finally have realized what it takes to make a realtionship work. I find comfort in knowing i am no longer guessing what works and what doesn't. Bottom line is we can not change other people, we can only change ourselves, how we interact with others. Things like being nondefensive in confrontations, avoid being critical or cross complaining, all these things will work for you and if not in this relationship, then in the next one.
I remember when things were fresh for me, grief is a process and at the begining people will do anyhting and hold onto any hope while in the bargining stage of grief. The only way out is through. The problem i have with this board is that i think it promotes too much false hope and people cling to that when they should be working on changing the way they deal with their spouse and moving through the grieving process. Gottman has hard scientific evidence on what works and what doesen't. Problem is at this stage the WAS is so closed and withdrawn that the odds of anyhting working are extremely low. Their goals and dreams are to leave. Guessing at 180s to me is not the way to go. Learning what successful couples have done makes more sense to me.
Problem is at this stage the WAS is so closed and withdrawn that the odds of anyhting working are extremely low. Their goals and dreams are to leave. Guessing at 180s to me is not the way to go.
you're right. guessing at 180s is a horrible thing to do. "180s" only help, if you carefully, and thoughtfully figure out what you have been doing, that your spouse dislikes, and then try the opposite of that.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I think you are very right about the WAS being so convinced of their motives that the LBS is powerless by the stage they learn of the problem (i.e. really learn). That is what I found with my WAW (after 10 years together, another classic piece of timing eh Dom?).
The thing I find saddest though is that the WAS is so emotionally closed and determined that they do not open their eyes to the power of change that they usually unleash. If you are a WAS or about to be please read that sentence again and again. I also know that the LBS carries a significant proportion of the blame in the WAS arriving at such a desperate decision point, even if they are often not aware of it.
Like you, through reading, thinking and dealing with the sheer reality of being on my own again I have grown and learnt so much. I know I will be ok in the future, despite days like today. I only wish I knew then what I know now. I only wish my W understood how far I have come. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I now recoginise as being my contribution to our downfall, perhaps then we would both be happy right now.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
DB/DR - pretty good but not sure how much can really be done if you have a WAS (particularly a WAW). Good for personal growth though. Like most people I prefer DR.
ILYBANILWY - Also a very good book. Well focused on love, what it means and how it can change. The author is British which made it feel more applicable to a Brit like myself than some of the other books.
The 5 Love Languages - the concept is good, particularly if you have a chance to apply the lessons in time. I did feel that it takes a long time to make what is a relatively simple point.
He's Scared, She's Scared - well I certainly was after reading this. Made me wonder if there's anyone out there who won't break my heart! Has a very good chapter on what it feels like to be a LBS and the WAS.
Rebuilding, When Your Relationship Ends - a positive book, as the title would suggest. I'm not a huge fan of the style of language used, but had a couple of inspiring chapters.
The New Rules of Marriage - I really liked some of the chapters in this book. Very interesting reading, perhaps most useful when moving forwards. Would be excellent to reference in new relationships.
Relight her Fire - only read the start of this. Should contain some good suggestions, but some material I think would always exceed my romance tolerance threshold! I certainly think that my W would not appreciate everything in this book. Possibly talking about cultural differences again.
Hummm, just seen I have got some others I haven't even started! Eeek! My W would be so convinced she has made the right decision if she saw the contents of my bookshelf right now.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
