Hi everyone I have been coming to this board off and on for almost a year now. Lots of people here trying to help each other, which is great, but in most cases it is bewildered people trying to help others who are just as confused. I know because i have lived it here. The best help i found for myself have been from several books i have read. The best changes we can make in my opinion is to change the way we interact with our partner. John Gottman has some great books out that address this. His Seven Principles and 10 Lessons books i have found to be especially helpful. They may not get your spouse back, but as said here, the changes are for the LBS anyway and I know i finally have realized what it takes to make a realtionship work. I find comfort in knowing i am no longer guessing what works and what doesn't. Bottom line is we can not change other people, we can only change ourselves, how we interact with others. Things like being nondefensive in confrontations, avoid being critical or cross complaining, all these things will work for you and if not in this relationship, then in the next one.
I remember when things were fresh for me, grief is a process and at the begining people will do anyhting and hold onto any hope while in the bargining stage of grief. The only way out is through. The problem i have with this board is that i think it promotes too much false hope and people cling to that when they should be working on changing the way they deal with their spouse and moving through the grieving process. Gottman has hard scientific evidence on what works and what doesen't. Problem is at this stage the WAS is so closed and withdrawn that the odds of anyhting working are extremely low. Their goals and dreams are to leave. Guessing at 180s to me is not the way to go. Learning what successful couples have done makes more sense to me.
