Looks like the end

[haphazard]

Mojo,

Thanks so much for your posts. They are full of insight and the right kind of advice. I always knew your H and mine were twins separated at birth. Mind you I think you got the good-looking one But I'm going to have to challenge you to an international cry-baby contest.

Obviously, I did not press SEND on that email. I looked into the financial aspects more thoroughly and I believe if I went for a clean break settlement whereby I get all the equity in the house and in a flat that we let out, he doesn't have to pay child support, then I could make it and he could go hang out in the gutter all he likes. The gutter scenario has never been far from my mind which is one of the reasons I have hung on. That is why I have said "time to be brave", a D has for a long-time looked to me like wilful financial suicide. The fact that I stick around and mop up contributes to the functionality of H as a bread-winning alco.

"Mommy make me happy and then I will behave" I'm reading that loud and clear. If I were to say "be a man and have an adult relationship with me" I might as well talk to him in Latvian.

The answer to a child whining they'll behave if you buy them the candy is to say behave first then we'll talk about the candy. In fact it's not that, it's "good behaviour is the bottom line - exceptional behaviour may merit candy".

My D6 has been teaching me some boundary setting lessons lately. First lesson: take emotions out of the picture, second lesson: say it once don't say it again, third lesson: if you say it do it. The particular of this has been getting her dressed for school in the morning - it's been a long time battle and source of tension. Now I just leave for school on time each day whatever state of dress she happens to be in. Lately she's been fully dressed each time.

The only hope for your marriage is to strongly signal to your H something like "I want your help and care." in a differentiated manner. IOW, you need to make yourself vulnerable, but not weak, in relation to a man whose behavior is mostly cruel (non-differentiated top) and immature (non-differentiated puppy). Another way to look at it is that you need to signal "I deserve to be cared for in a relationship." rather than "I can take care of myself but not with the likes of you around."

I almost get this but not quite. If you can clarify with an example that would help. I think my big mistake was coming of weak when H first stood there with our new-born son not 3 days old, strapping on his boots and saying "I can't do this I'm out of here". Instead of saying "Fvck off then" I fairly clung to his legs and begged him to stay. HUGE mistake - but understandable under the circumstances. As soon as I was weak and put him on top he became cruel.

I'm kind of getting what Choc says about power and not abusing it. I feel I have power right now because when he threw down the towel and I was not fazed by it the minute that happened he changed. I refuse to be moved by either good behaviour or bad on his part. What I mean by good behaviour is goody-goody behaviour. He is right now in the process of going completely over-board in the kitchen and cooking me up a three course gourmet dinner. I'm not in the least impressed. I don't want occasional displays of vituosity - vanity really - I just want solid decent behaviour week in week out.

I am trying to formulate what to talk about over dinner. I think it will be a version of the email.

I'm so grateful to everyone on this board - it helps so much to have you guys on the team


Fran