WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[COG]

Jab,

I validated her feelings, I said nobody can predict the future but let my actions speak for themselves and let's see what happens. Also said we need to take this one step at a time and it will not happen overnight.

Hopefully you can see how controlling these statements are. You validating her feelings is great, fantastic. But then YOU take over. Start telling her what to do. "let my actions speak for themselves", "lets see what happens", "we need to take this one step at a time", and "it will not happen overnight". Try to make these I statements like "I'll let my actions speak for me", "I need to take this one step at a time". Get it? Then you are gaining control of YOUR life, not the M.

I said, I understood. I said, maybe after some time they will start to see that I'm becoming a better person and treating you like you deserve. Maybe if you are happy again with me, they will see me in a different light.

Again, good validating. You should have stopped there, but then you go into the maybe's. And for the record, what her co-workers think about you doesn't mean squat. The decisions your W makes will be hers and hers alone.

W expressed concern that she wanted to be a 'normal' couple. She was worried about going to bars with me and me not being able to drink but she wanted to. I said that was ok with me, I want to go out with her. W felt that it may be weird. I suggested trying it in a few months and see how it felt. This topic may be a hard one to work out. I know she wants to be able to 'let her hair loose' without feeling guilty that her H is an 'alcoholic'.

So "going to bars", and "letting her hair loose" I guess meaning getting drunk and wild, is THAT important. What good EVER comes out of that kind of lifestyle? The mere idea that this is a condition or a consideration as to whether or not to stay in a M is very sad my friend. Your W has some growing of her own to do. I suggest you do what YOU think is right. If going to the bars and "letting your hair down" is a healthy and positive thing then go for it. If not, then have the balls to stay home with the kids. You choose what's best for YOU, and let your W make her own choices.

I asked her if she had any changes of plan. W didn't know what she wanted to do. I offered 'can I make a suggestion and you can think about it?'

Oh here he is, Jab the hero, come to save the day.

You've got to work hard at letting go. Let go the controls my friend. Go along for the ride. Stay in the backseat and just relax. No more suggestions, no more ideas, just lots of validating, and keep working on YOU.

God Bless,

COG

PS Don't worry about the thread. When it locks up we'll find you, if not just come find us.