Back at DB/new marriage new WAW

[ann25]

SLAP!! there did that help?

now a hug, cause it seems like you could use one. ((((dh))))

who knows what she is really thinking right now? only HER and she may not even be 100% clear on that in her present state.

Keep DBing. You've been doing good. Do i personally think you are maybe doing to much for her? Yeah probably, but only you know your wife. This is what i was thinking reading your last few convos with her:

you are too nice a guy. she wants out and she wants things to move faster. That's on her. she doesn't have a job and can't pay her bills and she doesn't deal with her car, she can't call 411 for a phone number? so you do it all for her. who caused these problems? HER that's right...

a few days ago you said:

i also heard she made a comment to a mutual friend that she feels that i would take her back at any point, so does that give her the emotional room to push me as far as i will let her??

yes. not that you should believe much of what you hear, but if she really feels that way, that's exactly what she's doing. she's seeing how much you'll put up and let her get away with...

hang in there, hopefully someone will have something better for you, but just keep reading and DBing. you can do it.

[dh4320]

thanks anne,
your right she is doing this to c how much i will do for her i need to stop, i will not go back on my word of what i said i would do for her, but that is where i need to draw the line.... i need to stop being so avvailable to her at all times, and i need to refocus on me and the kids, you are a big help anne thank you

[ann25]

Good for you!! guess you did need the slap... hehe

[dh4320]

thanks anne,

again your a big help...

[dh4320]

Well I now know, really i always knew that the reason the W does not bother to see the kids on weekends is because she is hanging out with OM doing gigs at crappy little clubs. Again i know that will not last and she will realize that is not much of a life. Afriend spoke with her about 2 weeks ago on one of her visits with the kids, and asked her what she wants, and again she couldnt answer. She told the W your husband still loves you why dont you work on things. She stated and go back to the way things were, and the friend replied no he is willing to work on things. the W said why would he want me back after everything that has happened and the friend simply stated bc he still cares about you and his family. At the time i dont think the W changed her mind but its only been a month since the bomb so maybe it will still make the W think a little bit. the kids and i are going to decorate the tree today and take lots of pictures, also the friend said the W snoops around the house while she is visiting whats that all about....

[dh4320]

bump

[Atlas]

dh,

Alright I did this as well, but I think changing it helped a bit as well. Your totally taking care of your W and letting her push you around. She needs to see what the big bad world is like without your financial support. Also, I know nothing about family law in your state, but you start setting these precedents of paying for school, cars, etc...a judge may continue that.

I would wait a few weeks, then sit down with her and have a real frank discussion that you can't maintain two households and she will have to pay her own way.

Whatever you do and how you do it, just stay positive, don't argue with her, if she wants to call, good. But she is going to have to hit bottom before she can look up and see that it's you and you alone at the top reaching done. Let her sink in that hole with the OM. Unfortunetly, that has to take it's route and if it is you that breaks it up she will always regret it and despise you. Let her eff it up. Give it time and take care of yourself and kids.

[dh4320]

thanks atlas,

The W called tonight actually about 2 hours ago, i didnt answer she left a message to talk to oour s. I texted her about 30 minutes later and said he was napping and a friend came over to play with him so i would call her later and let him talk to her, well i guess she couldnt wait so she called again, i answered this time short but upbeat, i gave the phone to our S and he didnt seem very interested in talking with her, she sounded very upbeat(dont like that) but she said mommy loves oyu and mommy misses you, our S gave me the phone and walked away didnt say anything to the W. I took the phone back and said he just walked away she said that is ok. So i didnt really want to talk to her and she brought up her excursion getting sold, i told her i was selling it back to the guy we bought it from for more money than we paid for it, she asked how thats possible, shes a moron we put about 6K worth of upgrades in it and i reminded her of that she seemed to stall on the phone a bit, i said Ok gotta go she said ok bye. thats it . so now i am starting to increase going dark by just texting her and now she is starting to call and stall on the phone a bit i guess its a baby step, but i am sure she is going to the OM's gig tonight again at some cheesy bar im sure cuz ive heard him play b4 and he sux, hehe in any casethat R with OM will fizzle im sure...

[dh4320]

bump[

[Atlas]

dh,

I hate to tell you this, but this is how it is. You have to let her relationship with the OM take it's course. But TRUST me it will! Don't ask, don't inquire, nothing. But she has to be the one to throw it out and come to you or it won't work. My W left 6 months ago and from being on the boards that long, I think my time waiting is short compared to most. Don't file, let her do it if she wants it. It doesn't hurt you, and if you have to the D would take some time and that is on your side. I know it is hard to see it that way now.

OK, so W is off the deep end, she is having an affair. What are you goals, what are you doing for you and the kids. When you make goals don't focus on her. How destraught are you? Are you eating? Sleeping? Paying the bills? Let me know, because I have been there and can help.

But realize this will take a lot of time and you need to relax quickly and let it run it's course. However, I do have to say you sound like you have good self control and that is why I have taken an interest, I think you can bust this thing. Keep up the good work and make sure you exercise, you mentioned police or something, so are you at the gym lifting? Keep the PMA going, stop all bad thoughts. Also, is there someone you can confide in that doesn't think you are off your rocker for trying to save it, find that person and confide. Now realize lines will be crossed by that person and the person you confide may change. I has happened to me a couple of times. But you have to bitch and moan to someone, so find that person.