Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

SG

I know I have to get a grip, trying to play the game the right way, but I feel like Im playing poker and the hand keep changing. and I don't know how to play poker.

I think back now I have to say looking at it, I thought I handled it well, better than I would have in the past, I would have just cried on the phone, or even yelled. I told him I was hurt, which is true, I said I would not do the this to him. I was even nice to him when he called me back like 45 minutes later to tell me something. I could have just been mean or nasty. or even told him I did not want to talk. But I we discussed something and that was it , I did ask if i would talk to him later, his answer was of course. Its now after 11 and I have not heard one word. I don't think i sounded bitter to h, it just hurts. it seems anything i do does not hurt him, and that gets to me, he hurts me, but i cannot do anything to hurt him. Maybe your are right it is bitterness

I don't see that i am wallowing in sadness, i come in with a smile and do my best to keep my head held high. I thought he would at least see that, for in the past i always wore my emotions on my sleeve to say.
SG i am so trying to get a grip, but keep losing it. I did go to party and will go next week to other. I really don't think he see anything with me, happy or sad, misery or others. I do my absolute best to keep a smile on my face, and a spring in my step, but it feels like i am getting no where.

He sees nothing but her. nothing but life without me

I tried to ask my friend to go, as i said, he would have gone with me, but he had a date. I feel sad in my heart I am not going to the play, But I feel good also that I gave the tickets to some one instead of throwing them out. I did a good thing, I told my friend merry christmas, take your date tomorrow. Now as i look at it, it feels good.

I will not follow advise of MIL, I know she is not right, can see where she is coming from, but will not follow. I don't know maybe it would shock him if i did not say anything to him about this. Like i have said my peace and let it go. What do you think?

I wish i could find the right track to get on, i seem to be all over the place, i try and try and try, but just get derailed by his doing,

I will go out tomorrow and buy a wreath for the door, which he does not want to do which is obvious, go to lowes and get gift for my dad and buy and new birdfeeder since i just bought one last week (keep in mind one h picked out and i said he squirrls are going to eat the stoppers lets get a metal one needless to say, the feeder does not hold seed due to the squirrls) Go to the mall to get some shopping done. Maybe I will change things up i have thought about going to may parents house and not coming home. But I think i am too emotionally raw right now for that, and i'm also not feeling that great either don't want to get dad sick. (immunosuppressed right now due to diabetes) maybe a movie. But i have to see how I feel. that will be my gauge for how much i do.

I have been trying to shock and awe as you say, but what more can i do for him to see. when he does not want to see anything, but himself

Oh sorry your not feeling well again, and sorry the computer quit on you.

thanks sg, you beloved puppy
bear