DomR, RHW, and Zuzu - Thank you for your replies. I now have some stuff to chew on over the weekend. We are going away (as a family) so I won't be back until Sunday, but wanted to thank you all for listening to me and for understanding where I am. It also helps to have a fresh perspective. As most in a SSM probably know, when you share these things with your "real life" friends who aren't in a similar situation they don't really understand.
It was sunny today so that definitely helped with my mood. I met H for coffee at his office this afternoon, and really tried to be friendly and cheerful. To be honest, it SUCKS having to actually force myself to be friendly and cheerful around the man I once thought I could get through anything with. I'm not sure on the hope thing - I will have to digest that a little more. Well, I'm rambling again. Thanks again and hopefully I will have more to report after the weekend. We might even have some time alone so I will have a chance to maybe have a heart-to-heart talk with him.
One more thing I should update - the porn thing finally stopped being an issue about 4 years ago when I did tell him I would leave him if it continued. But by then a lot of damage had been done. I've thought of madonna/whore syndrome, too. Not sure if it's that or just a complete fear of intimacy on his part. (Or, maybe those two are one in the same.) Getting rid of the porn, BTW, did nothing to improve the sexual relationship.
