Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Dom R]

Its not that i want to talk about it an relive it cause it SUCKED, but he's allowed to be hurt and I'm not. I know that it doesn't get to be fair because I'm the one here and I need to make changes for me and I can't focus on him, but it still stucks.

Weeelll.. i wouldnt say that you cant look at what he's doing At All. Nor does "you being the who who is here" mean that you have to do all the work.
You have a right to ASK him, to take up his fair share of marital duties.
People who are here, generally suffer less, if they lose EXPECTATION that their spouse will respond in exactly the way they wish.

The thing about him forgiving you for your EA... is that it's supposed to actually mean FORGIVING YOU, for the EA.
That should mean, "trying to get past the hurt, and treating each other in a marriage-positive way".
Some thoughts on that lower down.

Is it because you see him behaving the same way? Or has he changed?

small things have changes a little, but as the time span from the EA ending lengthens he gets worse and worse. we are back to the (example)"you know I'm not getting the decorations out until this house is totally clean, right"

well, that could be taken either way.
it could be taken as being domineering... or it could be taken as simply him standing up for something that you agreed(?) to do, and havent done.

I don't need him to admit it, i just think a little understanding on his part as to maybe why i'm not in love with him or why I don't feel like being intimate or just "getting naked" would be nice.

aha... potential break-through moment here...

Are your feelings irretrievably based on the past... or are they based on how he is treating you NOW?

I think that they are mostly based on how he is treating you now.
which is healthy.
Trouble is, I think you are fixated on the past, even when I think it's more about how he treats you now.

So here's the good news: If he has all those negative reactions and defenses when you bring up the past.... maybe you should stop doing that.
The good news is: I dont think that you have to bring up the past, to help him help you feel better in your relationship.

You want to be forgiven for your past. Forgive him for his past, first.

Try focusing solely on the "now". Focus on how he treats you, NOW, and ask him in gentle ways, to improve it.


You might also help this effort, by attempting to zero out your past behaviours together. That is to say, maybe have a conversation with him, something like;



I know that you are feeling very hurt about the past. I'm trying to give you support in that. I'm also trying to make our present, and future, as good as they can be.
If you have questions and issues about the past, I will continue to try and be open about it when you need me to. For the most part though, I would like us to talk about what a good future looks like for us.

I think that maybe we could benefit from talking about what a good, fair marriage looks like between us.
If we both do our best to forgive and forget the past, and could "start fresh"... how do you think we should treat each other, to make us both happy?






you might also go pull up some sample pre-canned ideas of what a "good marriage" looks like, so you can discuss and hopefully find agreement on one together.