Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

WHY do you want to bring it up?

I don't especially want to bring it up. There are a lot of times that he triggers it because he says something or does something that just reminds me how bad it was. Its not that i want to talk about it an relive it cause it SUCKED, but he's allowed to be hurt and I'm not. I know that it doesn't get to be fair because I'm the one here and I need to make changes for me and I can't focus on him, but it still stucks.

Sometimes, is it maybe just a little "defensive", even if it isnt explicitly "defending the EA"? eg:, "well, I was bad, but you were toooo!!"

the only time i bring it up is when he says something like "i just don't understand why you would have even started talking to him in the first place." i try to just explain that i was hurting and needed support and didn't think i could get it from him. I know how it's going to come across, so i always(yes always) start out by saying that i know it was a mistake and there was not excuse for it. I am not defending it, but ...

Is it because you see him behaving the same way? Or has he changed?

small things have changes a little, but as the time span from the EA ending lengthens he gets worse and worse. we are back to the (example)"you know I'm not getting the decorations out until this house is totally clean, right" i know he could care less about the decorations, they only really matter to me and the girls, so it's my job. he cleaned one day last week and (we have kids and a dog and laundry) since it's not that clean all the time, "he tired, but it doesn't matter because it just doesn't stay clean" or last night in front of BIL and BILs GF, he says, "you know you're the messy one, it wouldn't be like this if it were just me" and that probably doesn't sound that bad, it's all in the tone.

Is it because you want to have him admit that he was treating you badly back then?Has he ever done that?

in MC (which he doesn't want to go back to cause she never helped him (cause he never spoke up)) he said one time that he understands why I had EA and that he's sorry that I had been feeling so unhappy with him. I don't need him to admit it, i just think a little understanding on his part as to maybe why i'm not in love with him or why I don't feel like being intimate or just "getting naked" would be nice.

What you truely "should" have done, was fight to have a better marriage.

hehe... that was the venting talking. i know that i shouldn't have left, but sometimes when i get upset like that (never around him, normally when i journal and stuff) i think that. I know that leaving would have been the biggest mistake.

that's not what the "act as if" stuff is meant for

didn't mean that like in the way people are trying to act as if here. mostly that I'm trying to be physical with him and give him what he needs in that respect even though i don't feel like it.


the easiest thing that i've asked of him and continue asking of him is that he helps around the house (it's his too, this shouldn't take any trust) and if he doesn't want to do that, don't complain to me and critisize me for the way it looks, I'm one person and i can only do so much. that would take whole lot of pressure off me and maybe make him slightly more involved in our Ds lives and our M, but even if just for the girls.