Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Heimlich]

I'll admit to not having read every single word of the past two days of posts here, but lets not forget that Ann's H withdrew from her emotionally, acts in many childish ways (she does the housework -- cooking, cleaning, diaper changing -- with little to no help from her H), and instigated her EA by demanding a divorce. Not to play the blame game, but a lot of the advice to Ann seems to be "suck it up and love him". She's been TRYING TO SUCK IT UP AND LOVE HIM. Sure, he's hurt by her EA. Been there, I feel his pain. But it also doesn't sound like he's taken any responsibility for where they are. Dom, I think you described perfectly how he's feeling -- I know I felt myself from a year ago when I read your words.

She's about to be a WAW. Here H doesn't get it. How do we help her H get it? Yes, Ann should be patient and loving and kind. But should she have sex or be forced to get naked at his request. I can imagine how demeaning that felt to her. I don't hear Ann saying no to say no, but saying no because she doesn't want to. Why should she have sex when she feels her skin crawl or her stomach flop at the thougth of it. The fact that she's OK with trying a few times a week is a big thing and she should be congratulated for it, not demeaned for not doing enough.

And Ann should bring up her resentments, they are as real as her H's about the EA. It's a catch-22, Ann can't talk about the feelings of resentment that lead her to an EA, which she's admitted multiple times to regretting, but she has to be OK with constantly reassuring her H that everything's OK? That's complete and utter crap and is going to led to Ann either being miserable or leaving. Just because those feelings led her to the EA don't invalidate those feelings. Eventually her H is going to have to either admit to his role in this and really start helping her out and giving her the H she deserves or she's going to be justified in eventually leaving. Ann gets it. How do you get her H to get it? That seems to me the question.

BD