Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Hi Dom R - about him saying hurtful things - i suppose he's not so much saying hurtful words as much as the way he speaks to me is hurtful and disrespectful. that and the fact that my feelings from before the EA and the hurt that i went through is unimportant. i know it's way worse than being mugged... i'll check out that other forum. thanks.

sorry... just need to vent/journal a bit.

I know that he is hurting. I don't expect him to move forward on my timetable. I don't expect him to get over anything for a long time. I don't get on my computer anymore at home. I let him check my voicemail and text messages whenever he wants, as new ones come in before i hear them. I'm trying to show him as well as telling him that it was a mistake that will not happen again. It's just hard. It's hard because he won't tell me what he wants or needs other than me to want him and I don't. I try a lot of times to act "as if" i do, but i don't.

It's hard because for over a year i was hurting and spent nights crying myself to sleep in my room alone. Reassuring my D (2 at the time) that mommy will be okay and that no, it's not daddy's fault that mommy is crying. Trying to tell him how i was feeling. getting disrespected and insulted and hurt. Accused of cheating and being asked to defend my every action, all without cause.

Its hard because he chose to spend his evenings in his office rather than in the living room with his family. He'd sleep in there and practically live in there. our girls had to knock on the door to see their daddy and sometimes he was just too busy for them.

Its hard because i spent the last 5 years, taking care of our house and raising and caring for our daughters and working full time, trying to meet his needs and trying to be a good wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend with little or no support or help. I chose to do those things, but he chose the house and children and wife. The responsiblity should be 50/50.

Its hard because when i asked for help there must have been something wrong with me or he works hard and makes more money than i do or can't i just give him a break.

It's hard because after all that, he decided that he didn't want to be married to me and that because i couldn't paint him some pretty little picture that he'd rather just up and leave me than try to stay married to me.

It's hard because i can't bring any of that up. He doesn't acknowlege any of that and how it probably made me feel. Anytime it's brought up, it's me defending the EA.

I will never ever defend what I did. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have just moved out of the house and taken my babies with me. I didn't. Instead i began a friendship with someone thousands of miles away and i let it turn into much more than it should have. It didn't bother me so much because my H was leaving me anyways. yes i hid it from him, but not so much because i was concerned what he'd feel or that i'd hurt him, but because i didn't want to deal with his critism of it and me and everything else. I just wanted someone that wanted to talk to me and cared (or at least pretended to care) what i thought and felt and said. I wanted that to be my H, but he didn't want that anymore.

So now i understand how badly i hurt him. I know that he's hurting more than anyone knows. I know that it is killing him. So i'm supposed to squash what i feel and have felt over the last couple years cause he needs me to baby him. I don't my babying him, but it would just be nice to see a teensy weensy bit of effort on his end too.

and now i'm crying (let's blame pregnancy hormones) and don't feel any better, but i needed to get that out.


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Hi DomR - i posted before i saw your edit... maybe this will give you some insight. I will not throw in the towel, sometimes i just feel like it would be easier.