Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Hurtin4certain]

Yeah... its really easy to say you'll be done if W has a PA. I always said the same thing... but here I am.

[Michael Mc C]

One thing that is for sure. I have already "put my foot" down as far as not wanting to share the home with her after she meets him. I will have to assume that things got physical when that happens, all signs indicate this, even what she has told friends.

If the house was bigger, or at least configured better, it might be a possibility.

She may actually surprise me, although with the way her mind has been working, I can't say for sure. After the OM faded away, she threatened to leave 3 or 4 times, for no particular reason. She did it again shortly after the OM came back around. But she never left.

Finally, this past week, she was "packing her things" for a couple of hours preparing for the move. I sent her an email basically reconfirming the fact that she will in fact be moving if she leaves. It was then that she decided to postpone. It turns out nothing was packed. I guess she was trying to call my bluff.

I'm not sure if she postponed because I was right about the kids (and I was) or if she has this fear of leaving the kids. I can't really tell with her.

It will be interesting to watch. She is pretty confident that this guy is the man of her dreams. I think that once the day comes for them to meet she won't have too many problems actually moving.

[Michael Mc C]

So my wife has finally responded to my comments regarding the custody of the children and how I wouldn't lie to the court to benefit her. Although we spoke face to face two days ago, she just sent this to me in email:

I will be staying here after the new year. I can not leave with you threatening to take the kids away from me. You have trapped me here with that as you knew you would.

I want the next few weeks to continue having contact with OM if possible. I will tell him my decision after the new year.

Understand that I do not stay here willingly and I do not stay here for you or for me, I will not risk losing the kids permanently. I can not fight you with a lawyer and risk losing the house, so you leave me no option.

A couple of things:

• I have no clue how to respond. I'm pretty good with words but I honestly don't know what to say at this point. Too many things to address in such a short mail. 48 hours, is that the rule?
• The comment about losing the house is something we've discussed in the past. She means that she doesn't want me to lose the house, although it may not seem like that.
• Why continue contact with OM through the new year? So her holidays aren't ruined? Is it a far enough date that she doesn't have to face the reality of it at this point?
• As for me trapping her here intentionally, she obviously has not been paying attention to me. I think as a gift I will print out my posts and show her who I am once again. Probably a bad idea...
• She can do whatever she wants. If she wants to move out that's fine with me. I will not hold her children hostage. I will not keep her from seeing them. The point was that if she commits adultery I will not shield her from that. I thought it was simple enough.

So she's going to take 2008 and smother it with bitterness and resentment because I have been so unreasonably bold as to tell her that she needs to be accountable for her actions.

I am checking with my C on this because it suddenly seems like a brand-new pile of crap to deal with AND it appears that it's becoming a fairly delicate situation. Any thoughts, however, would be appreciated.

Thanks

[SingleAgain]

Mc C,
She really has no relationship experience at all does she? I am guessing she went from Mommy and Daddy right to you. She is playing the victim wonderfully though.

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael, I think you did really well establishing your boundaries. Now you have to make sure you follow through with your plan or she will walk all over you.

Show her that you deserve better, be confident and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Trust me... one day she will regret this.

[Michael Mc C]

I am guessing she went from Mommy and Daddy right to you.

That's a very good point, and perceptive. She had some short-lived relationships before I met her (she was 17 when we met). We've been together ever since, although there was a short break while we were dating - but no other real relationship.

[Michael Mc C]

So my daughters' have their holiday concert tonight - S8's was last night. Will leave here in about 30 minutes and go do the happy family thing -

W is, as expected, very very pissed off right now. She has become such a brat, maybe always was one. She spent the evening slamming dishes, scowling, being short with everyone and she hasn't made eye contact with me once.

Remember my post where I said she was being eerily pleasant? Well that continued for the rest of Wednesday night and all of yesterday. When she said good night to me last night there was a hint of anger in her voice so I don't know if she started stewing about it then or if something about the custody talk hit her today.

Either way I am not taking the fault on this one. She is going to be like this until I say something to her or until she's tired of waiting for me to say "okay honey, don't be upset, you can do whatever you want. i'll stay here with the kids, you go have your fun and when you're done, of course you can continue to walk all over me." However, I have another speech in mind. Something like "It is time to get your head out of this fantasy world and get yourself grounded again. End this crap with OM, start acting like a wife, a mother and the woman of integrity that I fell in love with and married. I am, and your children are, counting on you and we are here to help you any way we can. your opportunity is NOW and we all want you to take it."

I am trying to remain really cool about all this. I don't see any easy solutions right now but I've got to keep my head straight and be prepared for her next assault - which will be verbal when it comes. Should be tonight, when the kids are in bed and after she's had a couple glasses of wine.

This is not my wife. This woman who does not love me, who has fallen in love on the internet and through phone calls, doesn't even come close to the person I want to be married to. I have to get her to a counselor because she is on a path to destruction - of course I have no say on whether or not she goes. Remember, I'm the one with the problems, not her.

[Michael Mc C]

Just a quick update to earlier post: W spoke to my MIL apparently and told her that I am kicking her out after the holidays and then I'm going to counter-sue her for abandonment and keep the kids from her.

Maybe MIL was in a hurry so she didn't have time to go through the real details. She is obviously going to be hell-bent on making me look like the bad guy here. I guess it's to be expected. Or maybe, like everything else in these past 3 months, she's just not listening to me.

She's still walking around very angry and looking dejected. Daddy took her toy away or something. Sometimes I just want to say "Go ahead, go. Do what you feel you need to do."

Wait, I already did. The only difference is that I told her she needed to accept responsibility for her actions. It's called accountability. I don't want her to hurt or to feel trapped. I want her to listen to reason - to do something more than surface repair. "Okay, so I'm lazy. What's really bothering you?"

(and I'm not really THAT lazy...)

[Dr LOve]

Hey MC,

Do you (or did you) get along with your MIL? I am not saying you need to defend yourself but........I know that if my M gets to that point I will set the record straight.
Does your MIL know about the A?
I have only told one person in family. And so far I am glad because if it does work out then there will be less "talk". Even though my W had the affair I would still feel uncomfortable around our friends if we did get back together. But...... If we do split the all bets are off. I may even take out an ad in the local paper. Crash and burn,


Husband

[Michael Mc C]

I have always gotten along with MIL although there are moments, of course. She is one of the people in our lives, however, that are crafting their advice for the audience. I never understood that. If you have an opinion, and someone asks for it, give it. Don't tell me, or W, what you think we want to hear! We're not kids - well, I'm not.

I set the record straight with her though. She is very big on the "no matter what happens, you will always be a family and you have to make sure that you minimize the pain on the kids."

Okay, I know that. I don't want my kids to hurt either. There are certain things the other half of this blissful union should be doing as well, to minimize the pain on the kids. One small item that comes to mind is ending the f*****g affair and focusing on the family for once!