Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Dom R]

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H: yeah, like you were before?
and on and on and on... if i keep trying to respond, this lasts 15-20 minutes, sometimes even longer. If i don't answer him, then its "you are talking to someone else aren't you" "you can tell me if you don't love me" "are you just waiting to get out" take your pick

Wow... he's hurt even worse than I thought.

he is not bringing up OM "just to hurt you/manipulate hyou" in those situations. I believe that he is truely hurt. Technically, traumatised is the more accurate term.

I've gotten lots of advice to be firm on this and let him know that I won't tolerate OM being brought up over and over. that's really the dicsussion that I wanted to have with him tonight.

i think that's the very last thing that you should do.

Just the opposite.

You might have a conversation with him... but on a more caring basis.
Maybe, "H.. i know that you're going through a lot of pain and hurt right now. I'm trying to reassure you. It seems like I cant makeyou feel safe enough with what I'm doing. Maybe we need to see a (new?) MC to find out ways to work through this better, together?"

That every time he brings that up, he is hurting both of us and we aren't moving on.

Ann.. you may want to move on.
He cant right now.

I care about him sooo much and I hate to see him suffering for what i did, but part of me feels like if i just continue to give him what he wants and continue letting him get away with saying hurtful things to me that we are going back to when i was miserable in the R and just wanted out.

well, here's something for you to think about.
I dont see what you have written here of him saying, as saying "hurtful things".

I see him trying to deal with his own hurt.

He needs a lot more time of your reassurance, before he's going to be able to heal from this.

Trying to force him to "move on" from the pain, on YOUR timetable, is uncaring.
You basically dont want to deal with the fallout of the hurt, that you caused to him.

That's like telling a mugging victim, "ok, I'm tired of hearing about how you're scared to go out at night. I'm tired of hearing how you are afraid to get close to me because of it. Just get over it and move on."

It's worse than that, on two levels.
I wont stir the controversy pot by mentioning what the betrayal of infidelity is usually compared to. But suffice it to say, "it's worse than getting mugged".

And, it's worse, because you're the one who did the "mugging".

I dont know how active the "infidelity" forum is here... but if there's a decent amount of activity, you might think about posting there for other perspectives on this.


(edit)

Wow..i just saw this in another recent post from you:

other times I'm just ready to throw in the towel cause he's too much work.

wow.
What if he took that attitude with you?
He has been suffering through horrible pain, for 3 months, PLUS 3 months.
yet he's still trying to work through things with you.
you think YOU have too much work to deal with, with him?
You have no idea how much "work" he's doing for your sake, right now. Possibly every minute of every day.

many people have to turn to anti-depressant medicine to cope with it.


Obviously, there were problems in your marriage before this.
I dont konw what lead to him bringing up divorce in april.
Presumably, both of you, havent treated each other well in the past.

Right now, though, he is trying very hard, for your sake, and your childrens' sake.