Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

I'm so confused...

in regards to him needing to feel like i am willing to do that for him, i get that, which is why, once i warmed up i did what he asked. I only told him that it's like a turn off for me because he says he wants to help me and that doesn't do it. it felt degrading for him to say get naked and me just do it. like that's all i'm good for. Maybe it was the way he said it and i can't get that across here, but it didn't seem right.

perhaps its becuase you have taken sex "off the table"

i haven't completely taken sex off the table. for a while i did, but the last few weeks it's been like twice a week, i can't bring myself to initiate it again, but i'm really trying on this for HIM. He won't tell me how often he needs it, so i'm stuck at this point where what I give is not enough, but he's not going to tell me what about it's not enough, just that it's not enough. how am i going to help him there?

Maybe he just needs the reassurance about it, more than the discussion. If you can let go your resistance to answering it normally, it will help him.
ie: just reply straightforwardly "no, i'm not seeing anyone/talking to anyone", and leave it at that.

I try to reassure him constantly. For men wanting actions more than words, he certainly needs a lot of words.

The first time i told him, "no, i'm not talking to anyone." If i could say that and he'd take it at face value, then I'd be happy to give him that response everytime. The problem is, when we are laying there at night and i'm about to fall asleep, it turns into:
H: are you sure?
M: yes, i haven't been talking to anyone else.
H: *slient stewing for a minute or two*
H: are you unhappy with me or anrgy with me (such a loaded question)
M: I'm not angry with you. It's just going to take time for our R to get where we want it.
H: I hope you'd at least tell me if you were angry, i know you probably wouldn't tell me if you were talking to someone else.
M: I would tell you if i was angry and there will never be someone else again. I'll be honest with you about whatever i'm feeling.
H: yeah, like you were before?
and on and on and on... if i keep trying to respond, this lasts 15-20 minutes, sometimes even longer. If i don't answer him, then its "you are talking to someone else aren't you" "you can tell me if you don't love me" "are you just waiting to get out" take your pick

I've gotten lots of advice to be firm on this and let him know that I won't tolerate OM being brought up over and over. that's really the dicsussion that I wanted to have with him tonight. That every time he brings that up, he is hurting both of us and we aren't moving on. How do i deflect those conversations without seeming like i don't care.

I totally understand that it takes a long time and your analogy about him feeling like a lost child. I normally spend tons of time reassuring him. I'm happy too cause i know he probably needs it.

I care about him sooo much and I hate to see him suffering for what i did, but part of me feels like if i just continue to give him what he wants and continue letting him get away with saying hurtful things to me that we are going back to when i was miserable in the R and just wanted out. If i don't give in, he's either upset and pouting and ignoring me or he says hurtful things. That's how we got here. I don't want to repeat past mistakes.