not a peep

[Trixi]

OMG, this just keeps getting better. I will try to clean this up, but this is the conversation we just had:
H: Hows it going
H: I may go to [our bar] tonight
H: Your not planning to are u
Me: no
Me: what does "down in hole" mean? [His IM "personal message"line]
H: Feeling so low
H: I want to fly away
Me: alice in chains
H: But my wings have been so denied
H: Yes
Me: what does that mean to you?
H: Just that sometimes life gets you down
H: and thats OK
H: Because you can alway pick your self up again
Me: ah
H:Its alright to feel down sometimes
H: ya know
Me: sure
H: How do you feel about a online D if we can agree on everything
H: They dont cost a lot and its quick
Me: oh whoopee
H: Sorry
H: I want to just move on with this
Me: yeah, well I find this unf'ing believable that there is such a f'ing rush. Aug 21st you're back saying we should date; 10 days ago you're f'ing me; and now there is some sort of f'ing emergency to hurry it all up. I am f'ing pissed. EXCUSE MY SWEARING
H:OK
H: Whew
H: Your mad
H:Nothing is forever anyway
Me: that would be an understatement. I don't understand what the god damned rush is.
Me: what's not forever?
H: Nothing accept love
Me: what did you mean by 'nothing is forever anyway'?
H: Marriage is just an illusion
H: it doesnt change how I feel
H: but I dont want to be married anymore
H:I just want to move on
Me:fine
H:Fine what?
Me:I'm am waiting to see what you have been typing
H:Look Trixi Your important to me, I love you more than many people in my life. I dont want to lose our friendship and connection. I have felt disconnected from you for a long time in many ways I cant fully explain. I need to get away from this marriage now and do somethign else What I dont know but I really feel like I need a change. Im not sure Im doing everthing right I just need to do it
Me:*Warning* Vent Ahead.*I am so pissed right now I can barely see straight. we COULD have gotten connected (or at least f'ing tried) at retrouvaille. We have so much more than tons of married people out there. Yes, yes, I know- BOTH people have to want it- but when you talk about feeling disconnected that just pisses me off. But you know what. Fine. You just do what you need to do. That's just f'ing fine
Me: I don't care
Me: You have crushed my heart
me: Not that it matters
Me:Unf'ing believable
Me: like there is some f'ing emergency that this has to be done NOW
Me: But, okay- yeah- you're free
Me:do whatever the f you want to do
Me: OMG I am so pissed
Me: merry f'ing christmas and happy f'ing new year
Me: And i don't mean to "argue" with you, but god damn it, I don't think you f'ing "tried". Okay, I will concede that there had to have been moments of trying.
Me: Oh i give up.
Me: whatever
Me: here, here is your christmas gift: I accept that you do not want to be married and I give you your freedom.
Me: I do not want to know about who you are f'ing; I don't want it flaunted around
Me: it makes me SICK SICK SICK to think about that
Me: but, you know, it's different depending on which side of the fence you;re on- from my side it makes me want to vomit


And then he called. Said again that he just doesn't want to be married. he just wants to get this part over with. Besides marriage is just an illusion. and nothing is forever (he said that right after saying we need to hurry up with the divorce). and if we really love each other, we will end up back together- nothing will change that. But for now, he just wants to be able to move on. There are things that he wants to do and if he stays married, he won't be able to do them because he would need to "work" on the marriage and he just doesn't want to do that right now.

So, both "nothing is forever"s were after referencing D. (As opposed to referencing Marriage.)

I give up. He wins. I don't want this. I don't want any of this; but I don't think I am trying to save a marriage anymore. He's long gone. OMG this is awful. And then to dangle the "nothing is forever" carrot in front of me. WHY do that?????? I mean, I know he is right, lots of people reconcile even after the divorce, but to dangle that in front of me?

I think I will agree to this supposed online Divorce if we agree to the terms. I don't see any reason not to. What difference does it make whether we spend more money to drag it thru the courts to get the same result. I will only agree if it seems equitable--and if it doesn't seem equitable, then i can bring an attorney into the mix.