Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

ugh...

I wish that I would have read those posts before this morning. we had a major step back, maybe not as far as my friend fish but she is now back on the S/D track with some force.

I guess I stepped in it. I am not sure where this all came from either, but it is there.

Last night she was getting ready to lay on the couch with me, when she turned to me and said with tears in her eyes that all of this means nothing and that she is still planning to D. She said that she knows that she will break my heart but she has to do it. A minute later she asked what kind of message it would send to me if she allowed our R and that I would just walk all over her again.

I did not say much other than I love her and understand that D is a very possible outcome of our sitch, but that I am going to continue to fulfill my dreams.

Later I had fallen asleep and she asked me to come to bed... with her. She said that in the future if I stay that late that I shoudl stay rather than go where I am staying because it is not fair to the other couple that I come in so late.

When we woke this morning we were both sick and laid in bed for a while. When I got up to leave she gave me such a wonderful hug.

Then there have been a few calls where she has mentioned S/D and finally one call that turned ugly. Knowing that I have had for 8 years a tendency to lie she asked me when I have lied recently. I told her of one that I told her that we have already discussed and while it is not excusable, she let me have that one due to the circumstances. But then she asked me about some concert tix that I got and I admitted that I had bought them rather than getting them for free. Shitty thing is I also had free tix too, but I got so nervous about my friend coming through with the free tix that I bought an extra set to make sure that I could go with her to the show.

So yes, I lied about tix, but only after I let my anxiety get the best of me. So I went and bought a set too and then my friend came through with a set as well.

CAUGHT!

Huge step back for us. I am still hopeful, because I feel like I can be honest with her anytime. It did not frighten me to tell her that I lied abotu the tix, I even started to tell her the story and told her that it didn't matter.

So Fish, we too have taken a step back and it may take some time to get it back. Problem is we have a MC appointment on Tuesday and I hope that we can get by this feeling by that point.

We have a garage sale planned for tomorrow and hopefully some family activities to keep the weekend going.