Ok, now that I think about it more, Wed night didn't go THAT well, I talked to him during the day and shared the list of stuff that needed to be done and emphasized I had a LOT to do and if he could help me some and please just let me work most of the evening. I said I wanted to cook a quick dinner and then get as much accomplished as I could with the rest of the evening. (Normally, I wouldn't feel it was fair to ask this, but since he just returned from out of town.) He grumbled a bit, saying he didn't really look forward to coming home and start working on a list right away, he had wanted to watch tv with the kids. I tried to ask nicely the specific things I needed help with and explain it really wouldn't take that long, but could he just have the kids with him. He gave a half hearted ok. So I guess that was how Wed started. He wanted us to order a pizza, so we did and I was really in a great mood. He had to run to Lowe's to buy more cabinets for the brackets and came back with new doorknob/padlock sets for the front and back door. He said he had been meaning to replace them for a long time, so we could use the same key on both. I was like, I appreciate that you're doing that but PLEASE don't take time to do that tonight. It was already the kids bedtime when he got home, and he usually falls asleep right after. I was figuring I wouldn't get any more help if he did that. Well, he just kind of didn't say anything, then started working on them. I maintained cheerfulness and didn't say a word, but kept asking him to bring in the heavy table from the garage. He finally did. Our son was acting whiny b/c he was so tired and, again, b/c he'd been out of town, I wanted him to/assumed he would put him down. But I had to really prod him to do it, THEN FINALLY he is ready to do it, it's nearly 11:30, both kids are still up and he starts yelling at me to quit vacuuming b/c it is way past the kids bedtime and I was putting a "perfect/clean house as a higher priority than my family." Well, I was pissed, but kept my cool. He was doing his own thing just 5 minutes before, we both knew we were pushing the kids, but at least I was doing it joyfully and he was doing it and being a crab. I apologized and tried to explain my side for a minute, he was pretty much silent and fell asleep after that. The next day, when we talked, I ended our phone call by gently saying, "I was going to ask you about last night, if you felt the same way today or maybe if you were tired or something?" I really expected him to say, sorry I bit your head off, I just hit my wall and was super tired. Well, he didn't, he maintained everything he was saying. I remained calm and said that I was sorry he saw it that way, I didn't mean to upset him, we only put up the Christmas tree once a year and I know 11:30 is late, but it's not the first time (usually I'm the one prodding him to get them in bed.) I said I'm just disappointed that you see it that way. He said well he's disappointed too, because he would have never planned a party. He twisted my words where I said I planned the party so that we would clean the house. I said, no, what I meant is, I went ahead and planned the party because I knew we would have to take care of that stuff beforehand and it just needed to be done. Dec. 7th is not super early to have a tree up. It's silly to put it up a week before Christmas and Mari had been SOOO patient. I want to have the put the tree up for HER. I want to have the party for HER. I was not going to not have a party like last year because we would have to clean.
When we saw a counselor when I was pregnant with Mari, the woman said something to me about "so you like to have things just so and when they don't turn out perfectly you get very disappointed and that causes friction and frustration...." Well, yeah. Is that so odd? I'm beginning to think that all those times when we've had tension at birthday parties, Christmas etc and he's pulled that "You're getting way too excited, you need to calm down" maybe it was just as much him as me.
Anyhow, he went on to say that he had a knot in his stomach because he knew when he got home, he had to start rushing around to get stuff done and he hated the last minute running around.
So, I decided at that moment, "*uck it!" I am not going to get stressed, the kitchen cabinets will not be done and I don't care. My friends won't care. I just want to eat, drink wine, open presents and have fun. We hung up on sort of a sour note, but I decided to just not worry about getting everything done. I called him right before he left and asked him to stop and get some wine, which he did. He came home and got right to work doing things (and acting fairly put out as he was doing it.) I was cheerful and puttering around. I said please and thank you, laughed with the kids. He was being snappy with them. Finally I said, just go give them a bath and don't do anymore. He did. When everyone arrived he was out here for just a few minutes, then retreated to the bedroom to watch tv. I asked him once to just come out and pop in on the kids because I was cooking and visiting. He said ok but I don't think he ever did. Then as we were making the houses, I was helping Mari and asked him to come help Sam. He just gave me a look like "ugh, I don't want to." and never did. (He got into it last year.)
He said later he wasn't feeling well. He always feels that way for a day or so after he travels. Hmmm...
This morning, he went through the motions, acting like everything is fine, as did I, but he wouldn't look at me, etc.
