Well, we have had several very good days and for the first time in a long while, did not fight upon his return home from a business trip, but last night and today I'm feeling a crabby vibe from him and it's irritating me. I'm trying not to let it get to me, and I'm trying to "give even when I don't feel I'm being given to" instead of pulling back and copping my own attitude.
How about just literally attack him and have some over-the-top hot fast sex "just because" -- don't worry this time whether you are going to totally enjoy it, but I would imagine that once you get started, you would.
Just see what happens and if that changes his mood.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Maybe you should just say... "I'm picking up a crabby vibe from you... is it accurate? Does it have anything to do with me?"
Don't always assume that every nuance of his emotions always has to do with you... it could be that he's feeling crabby for reasons that have nothing to do with you, IF HE is actually feeling crabby at all... it could just be your interpretation...
Ok, I *really* need to start journaling when things are good. lol I only have a minute, but I kind of did do both of those things. I'll try and share more in a bit.
He arrived home Tue. night. I have a very bad habit of staying up till the wee hours of the morning (my only chance to do things w/o the kids around), so I was very tired, BUT wanted us to have together time. I had been thinking about the whole coupon present and remembered Oldtimer's comment about "why not just do those things now?" Well, I NEVER like to promise too far in advance because God forbid, if I get tired or we get in a fight or WHATEVER, if nothing happens, he is furious.
So, he texts me that he'd be home around midnight, he will be glad to get home, etc. I said I would be looking forward to seeing him, then I said, "So what can I expect around midnight tonight?" He replied about a comment he was going to do to my whole body, then asked what could he expect? I replied that I planned on focusing on my favorite part and we flirted back and forth a bit more, then he asked for a picture. I didn't whole heartedly want to, but did it, even though it probably wasn't exactly what he had in mind. (I think I had sent him a topless of my own accord the day before, to which he simply replied, "wowie zowie"). This time he replied with something like I want you so bad. We talked on the phone when he was leaving town and he said to put the kids down and take a shower and he was looking fwd to seeing me. I had already planned to do that, but did it. HOWEVER, I was so tired from being up all night, I turned out the lights and got under the covers around 11:30. I FULLY intended on just resting and waking up when he came in. He came in right at 12, like he said and asked, "are you asleep?" but I woke up pretty quickly and started talking to him and when he got settled and in bed, we had a very nice connected time. He said things like he was so glad to have me, which he does not say very often and that was nice to hear. He also said he loved me a million times, which we say a lot, but is still always nice. He later made the comment though that I was asleep when he got home. I explained that that was very intentional, sort of a power nap, because I had been so tired and wanted to have time with him. I calmly said not to take that as a negative thing because it was specifically to assure we had a good time when he got home. He said ok, like he hadn't seen it that way and it was dropped.
Well, that was late Tue night. Next day, good vibes all around. LAST night, Thursday, I had some of my girlfriends and their kids come over for a gingerbread making party and gift exchange. Now, I don't know how other people operate, but pretty much EVERY time we entertain, we have lots of work to do in the day or so prior. There is a lot of cleaning and preparation that needs to be done and it usually is not all done in time and it usually involves a late night. I think it is worse because we have kids, but I remember even in college, staying up all night cleaning up the apartment the night before having family visit. Is that unusual? Well, anyhow, Wed we put up the tree and cleaned. He was a grump in advance about the tree and I tried to let it slide off my back. He made it clear it was MINE to put up and MINE to put away. (Apparently, last year, when Sam was 8 mo. old, he had to do a lot of it, which I barely remember.) He is a grump about Christmas anyhow, so he wanted to just do a tabletop tree and I said "no that's silly, we're not gonna not do Christmas because it's too much work!" He does get into getting the kids toys from his past, but that's about it. So Wed. night, things are going well and he is helping me hang the painted kitchen cabinets which I had been bugging him for some time to do. Naturally, he cursed out loud a time or two, and I tried to keep the mood light and point out cute things the kids were doing. I videotaped our 1.5 year old hanging his first ornament, etc.
Ok, now that I think about it more, Wed night didn't go THAT well, I talked to him during the day and shared the list of stuff that needed to be done and emphasized I had a LOT to do and if he could help me some and please just let me work most of the evening. I said I wanted to cook a quick dinner and then get as much accomplished as I could with the rest of the evening. (Normally, I wouldn't feel it was fair to ask this, but since he just returned from out of town.) He grumbled a bit, saying he didn't really look forward to coming home and start working on a list right away, he had wanted to watch tv with the kids. I tried to ask nicely the specific things I needed help with and explain it really wouldn't take that long, but could he just have the kids with him. He gave a half hearted ok. So I guess that was how Wed started. He wanted us to order a pizza, so we did and I was really in a great mood. He had to run to Lowe's to buy more cabinets for the brackets and came back with new doorknob/padlock sets for the front and back door. He said he had been meaning to replace them for a long time, so we could use the same key on both. I was like, I appreciate that you're doing that but PLEASE don't take time to do that tonight. It was already the kids bedtime when he got home, and he usually falls asleep right after. I was figuring I wouldn't get any more help if he did that. Well, he just kind of didn't say anything, then started working on them. I maintained cheerfulness and didn't say a word, but kept asking him to bring in the heavy table from the garage. He finally did. Our son was acting whiny b/c he was so tired and, again, b/c he'd been out of town, I wanted him to/assumed he would put him down. But I had to really prod him to do it, THEN FINALLY he is ready to do it, it's nearly 11:30, both kids are still up and he starts yelling at me to quit vacuuming b/c it is way past the kids bedtime and I was putting a "perfect/clean house as a higher priority than my family." Well, I was pissed, but kept my cool. He was doing his own thing just 5 minutes before, we both knew we were pushing the kids, but at least I was doing it joyfully and he was doing it and being a crab. I apologized and tried to explain my side for a minute, he was pretty much silent and fell asleep after that. The next day, when we talked, I ended our phone call by gently saying, "I was going to ask you about last night, if you felt the same way today or maybe if you were tired or something?" I really expected him to say, sorry I bit your head off, I just hit my wall and was super tired. Well, he didn't, he maintained everything he was saying. I remained calm and said that I was sorry he saw it that way, I didn't mean to upset him, we only put up the Christmas tree once a year and I know 11:30 is late, but it's not the first time (usually I'm the one prodding him to get them in bed.) I said I'm just disappointed that you see it that way. He said well he's disappointed too, because he would have never planned a party. He twisted my words where I said I planned the party so that we would clean the house. I said, no, what I meant is, I went ahead and planned the party because I knew we would have to take care of that stuff beforehand and it just needed to be done. Dec. 7th is not super early to have a tree up. It's silly to put it up a week before Christmas and Mari had been SOOO patient. I want to have the put the tree up for HER. I want to have the party for HER. I was not going to not have a party like last year because we would have to clean.
When we saw a counselor when I was pregnant with Mari, the woman said something to me about "so you like to have things just so and when they don't turn out perfectly you get very disappointed and that causes friction and frustration...." Well, yeah. Is that so odd? I'm beginning to think that all those times when we've had tension at birthday parties, Christmas etc and he's pulled that "You're getting way too excited, you need to calm down" maybe it was just as much him as me.
Anyhow, he went on to say that he had a knot in his stomach because he knew when he got home, he had to start rushing around to get stuff done and he hated the last minute running around.
So, I decided at that moment, "*uck it!" I am not going to get stressed, the kitchen cabinets will not be done and I don't care. My friends won't care. I just want to eat, drink wine, open presents and have fun. We hung up on sort of a sour note, but I decided to just not worry about getting everything done. I called him right before he left and asked him to stop and get some wine, which he did. He came home and got right to work doing things (and acting fairly put out as he was doing it.) I was cheerful and puttering around. I said please and thank you, laughed with the kids. He was being snappy with them. Finally I said, just go give them a bath and don't do anymore. He did. When everyone arrived he was out here for just a few minutes, then retreated to the bedroom to watch tv. I asked him once to just come out and pop in on the kids because I was cooking and visiting. He said ok but I don't think he ever did. Then as we were making the houses, I was helping Mari and asked him to come help Sam. He just gave me a look like "ugh, I don't want to." and never did. (He got into it last year.)
He said later he wasn't feeling well. He always feels that way for a day or so after he travels. Hmmm...
This morning, he went through the motions, acting like everything is fine, as did I, but he wouldn't look at me, etc.
Well, we had a great evening together. Phew!! I was kind of in the dumps because weather caused me to cancel a trip a few hours away to spend the weekend with my best friend. We were going to scrapbook, but I think Joey had issues with me going because I have said before that I just want to get away and let him be with the kids on his own for extended days and I think he'd get how it can be difficult at times. (He threw that comment in my face when we were arguing recently: "Well, when you go and visit your friend, you can get me back and show me how bad it is." However, this hadn't been brought up in the last week or two when we talked about the trip.)
I took the kids out to do some errands to give him a bit of time after work to himself, maybe that helped.
When we talked on the phone earlier, I told him I was kind of down in the dumps about the trip, and I was hoping he could cheer me up. He said ok and offered to give me a massage (rare-usually I am too ticklish to accept massages) and I said that sounded nice.
t felt good to come home and just have a happy normal vibe where it seemed like we were both *trying*. I made appetizers for dinner (yum) and we watched tv as a family and laughed about the kids. We held hands for a bit and he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I wanna eat your box." I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have, but I asked if he could find a sexier thing to say, more romantic. I had a smile on my face, I was trying to do it nicely, but JEEZ! I am trying to teach him about what I like, b/c I think this kind of stuff creates roadblocks for me if I let them go. He chuckled and said something a little sweeter and we both laughed about it. We then made a couple jokes about "deck the halls with my balls" and a yuletide log. I have no idea why he so often reverts to this kind of talk, but I am trying to just go with the flow. I am trying to just laugh about it, but it doesn't make me hot, that's for sure. Advice on this? It keeps coming up!
He started to crash and get super tired and the kids weren't even in their pajamas yet. I nicely prodded him to help me get them in bed and offered to do most of the work and he reluctantly agreed. I think as he moved around some, he perked up a bit and helped out more than he agreed to and in no time, both kids were asleep in their beds! I said, "thanks for helping-see how quick that was?! When a person does it alone, it seems to take so much longer." I laid on him on the bed and we kissed and I grinded on him some. He said, "I would like a blow job" then cracked a big smile. I said I can't believe you! Yes, I could probably do that, but" (I do it more than I don't.) I said, "you know what I was thinking about, I was gonna ask for my kind of sex." He asked what kind that is and I said, "romantic, more talking. I felt embarrassed to say it out loud, but I was thinking that what makes me hot in these moments is when you shower me with compliments." He immediately jumped into it and said, "I have a beautiful wife. You are a great mother to our kids." I laughed and said, "well, it's not the same now, but I am just telling you so you can know these things for the future. I'm trying to pay attention to what is helpful for us." He successfully changed the subject by suggesting I close the door before our 4 yo walked in on and saw something she shouldn't. I said ok and got up to lock the door. Then I said, "I want us to use our Liberator pillows and watch the dvd and choose a position. We have those things RIGHT THERE and NEVER use them. They are a slipper slide for the kids!" He laughed and said ok. I said "Why don't we ever use them?" He said I don't know. I also went and got the Astroglide out of the shower and jokingly said "Do I need to put a second bottle of lube in your stocking?" He said maybe.
So, we did everything we talked about and had a great time. He complimented me a time or two again, which I know was intentional. He said "You have a beautiful body" and "I'm lucky to have you." These things will pop in my head out of nowhere over the next few days and help me continue to feel our connection. I guess i am recognizing that I'm a little validation starved and so I'm trying to come out and ask for what I need. It has seemed like nagging or complaining in the past, but seemed to go over allright tonight.
Maybe TMI, but he came quickly and yet we continued. He got out the toy (For once, he did not say, "would you like me to get out the toy?" which makes me cringe, because I feel stupid saying, OH YES!" don't know why, I know that's a hang up.) Anyhow, I also helped and even talked about what I don't like about that particular toy. (It's unnaturally cold and hard.) He said ok, maybe we can shop for a different one that would be more comfortable. I came and was verbal which he loves. I was feeling verbal naturally, and I wouldn't normally do this, but with all that we have going on with us, I really let myself "express myself" maybe laying it on just a little bit thick. We didn't say much afterwards. We usually just immediately go our separate ways to clean up then meet back in bed. He kept his hand on me while we watched our favorite comedian that I had recorded (Brian Regan). Is that unusual to not cuddle? I guess that's kind of a mechanical way to end it, but it felt good to us. We both conked out and now I'm up at the computer because our son cried for a bit and I went in to him.
Phew...so there, I gave you guys a play-by-play of a positive evening. I welcome your comments, if you have them.
PS He still has not read any of the book I got him, but I have been slowly tackling SSM. It just basically affirms/reminds me that this is a very important area of our life together and if I ignore it, I am asking for trouble and it is so much better for the OVERALL health of the relationship if I just make it a priority. I think the decrease in fighting lately has been a HUGE factor for me.
I think your bunny is doing well but your lioness needs some help. What I mean by that is that it is good for you to ask for what makes you feel more secure and emotionally connected during sex (the bunny is the animal who wants to be made love to) but it's pretty obvious that you are turned off when your H acts like a monkey (silly, horny child) but you are keeping him in that role by signaling "If you behave (help with the babies and say polite things) then cranky Mommy lioness will reward you with a treat (sex)". My suggestion would be that you give yourself permission to act more like a monkey yourself and thereby nudge your H out of the role. Practice doing some things that are mildly immature, irresponsible, crazy, fun, wild etc. Let go of some of your maternal guilt and, for instance, instead of signing you and the kids up for a Mommy and Me class, sign them up for an hour of daycare while you take a hip-hop dance class (for which you have bought yourself a cute new outfit rather than another educational toy for the kids when you know they'd be just as happy with a $1 box of crayons and a wall). It will do your kids and your marriage a world of good if you start them now with a strict 8:00 bedtime. I am definitely an "err on the side of leniency" type parent but this was one of the few brilliant moves I ever made (I don't want to brag or anything but my D16 told me yesterday that "I raised her to be playful" so I'm feeling like a great Mom at the moment). So, now it's 8:00 the kids are in bed, you are energized from your fun hip-hop class, you can relax and maybe have a drink or two, then all you need to do to slip into full monkey mode is play with somebody's clothing in an unladylike manner(yours or your H's) and use the word "c*ck" in a sentence (any sentence).
NOTE: Scrap-booking is not monkey-fun. It is definitely a joint cow/bunny activity. Kind of a cross between canning vegetables and playing with paper dolls. Nobody ever became sexually aroused while scrap-booking (Though, now that I think about it, it would be a great money making idea to sell erotic scrap-booking materials if one were a HD book-dealer with a feel for the Midwest Mom market). I remember reading in some book that a very sexually affirming thing to do would be to take a picture of yourself and your partner in the afterglow of great sex and keep a framed copy on display in your bedroom.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MJ - I am just in awe of your creative side. Zuzu - I love the idea of an erotic scrapbook. What a great Christmas present! What about a mini scrapbook with old photos of the two of you, maybe other memorobilia like tickets to a concert you had seen together with some erotic art (kama sutra poses) cutouts, couples holding hands etc.... absolutely minimize the use of hearts or roses. Add some thoughts about things you find attractive - his eyes, biceps etc... Maybe a line or two of erotic but tasteful poetry. Attach a weekend away gift certificate. Now that is scrapbooking that might promote some desire.
I just love MJs ideas for finding the lioness and monkey in your sexuality. Honey, I have four children from 15 down to 7 months old. I value my ability to lead and my ability to play more than my mommy mode EVERY time. I am a great Mom but the period of time that children need "Mommying" is relatively short and I found the more I Mommied (like I thought I should) the less I even knew who I was as a person and I lost my desire and my sense of humor. I am still a terrific Mom. I can say that with confidence. I breastfeed baby, play play-dough with my toddler, do girl scouts with my 10 year old and laugh at inappropriate stuff on you tube with my 15 year old (while surreptitiously finding out about his life) but I do all of that while still knowing who I am - I work out with a lady from work, I read for pleasure and I dress well (not like a "Mom"). Oh, and my photos? Well, they are all in photo boxes or on the computer with little to no hope of being put in scrap books. Crafty things are not my bag. I love cooking. I'm not saying that there is a thing wrong with being a Mom or scrapbooking but just remember that there are other, less "homey" parts of yourself too.
Isn't there a part of you that can take "I want to eat your box" and say, "With whipped cream and a cherry?" or "Catch me if you can?". Maybe I'm on the wrong track but you seem like someone who has a lot of herself submerged under a lot of "shoulds".
I just love MJs ideas for finding the lioness and monkey in your sexuality
I'm not really advising that she try to find her lioness sexually. I'm simply advising that if she acts lioness non-sexually, her H may respond by acting sexually monkey. There are several difficult problems with acting sexually lioness. The first being that a man may respond by acting sexually monkey and turn-you off if you are naturally more of a sexual submissive. The second problem being that a man may see "lioness" as high "monkey" and not be up to the challenge of taking down that level of assertiveness. In my experience, it isn't all that easy to figure out how to signal that you want mature aggressive sex on a level playing field if you are a woman until you are actually sexually engaged. Of course, that might be partially due to the fact that I don't drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes or wear pointy heel shoes and I tend to smile a lot and duck my head and walk into things when men signal aggressively at me outside of bed. Pretty much I need to go to a bar with someone like Corri to make it work.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
