Divorced, but still hoping for a miracle

[about2bdvorced]

Hey Nutcase - I said the same prayer for my WAW every day for 10 months, then I stopped when I realized that it really wouldn't make me happier. Same old, same old.

Now I pray every day for someone to come into my life with love for the new me...keep working on yourself and keep making your daughter the #1 on your list. Make every day count as if it was your last. You will be rewarded.

Let him go and you'll find what is is you seek.

[Possible42]

Nutcase,

I just got another life insurance policy after my divorce. Not that it matters, but when the nurse showed up at my house to take blood, urine, blood pressure, etc, we talked about divorce. She told me that her husband went back to his first wife after 10 years. Whatever happens will be on His time. Right now, I wish I could work things out with my ex. That could change in a month or a year. I am really trying to keep myself busy and have a lot of very close friends that have supported me through this whole miserable process. I have prayed for my ex's relationship to end with the OM. A friend recently said to me "why don't you just pray for her happiness and see what happens?" - so that's what I'm doing. She actually emailed me yesterday and prefaced the diatribe with "Hi". I found that encouraging on a very low level. Of course, she told me again that our marriage is over. Being the smart *ss that I am, I wanted to send back a list of famous couples that have remarried after saying "never again".

A2BD has helped a lot by encouraging the "karma thing". It is working. I still love my ex more than anything, but I can't sit around waiting for her. There are a lot of really great woman out there that wouldn't mind my company.

By the way A2BD, I watched the "Tao of Steve". Great movie. I couldn't quite figure out if all the women loved him for who he had become or who he was. [censored] was a total babe.

P42

[Nutcase]

P42,

Wouldn't you like to talk to the first wife? What did she do I wonder. Or did she not do anything?

[Possible42]

I'm sure it would be interesting to hear their story. In my case, I think I've become a much better person. I've learned a little more about what makes people attractive. I think I've also become a much more positive thinker. As a result of this I see people who really drag themselves down with negativity - and they don't seem to even realize it. Positive thinking - it really is amazing.

[about2bdvorced]

Both of you's...I used to think all of that positive thinking stuff was for Bible-thumpers and the delusional...of course I also thought drinking a 30 pack of Budweiser in a day was normal too. Since my divorce and year of sobriety, I have learned that positive thinking is one of the most powerful forces in nature...I have seen it firsthand and I'll never go back to how I thought and acted before.

Some pointers, or at least how I keep positive:

When I wake up in the morning, I give thanks. Thanks for being allowed to grace this Earth one more day...tis a gift.

I don't watch TV, I don't read the newspaper, and I don't listen to talk radio.

I control my own thoughts, my own body, my own actions, my own feelings. No one but me...

I smile. Even when I'm alone, I smile...sometimes I burst out laughing.

Those things have turned my life around to such a degree that I am a stranger to many who have known me for years...they tell me how much they love the new me, which in turn makes me happy and grateful...it's a wheel of goodness and positive blessings.

Hope that helps and doesn't sound too hokey, but trust me if you knew me a year ago you'd know what a cynic I was...sometimes I have to pinch myself.

Love and prayers for you all.

[fb2]

Hi P42,

I wanted to start a new thread with a similar theme as yours but then saw your thread and decided to join in. I sympathize with your predicament. And I want to get a sense of how realistic it is to try to reconcile once divorce is filed by a WAW.

I've been trying very hard to save the marriage (mostly cheeseless tunnels including the infamous LRT) while at the same time having to fight the legal battle. I'm still trying, hoping and praying till the final divorce decree happens (its very close now).

My W is similar to yours - irrational anger, hatred, and blame, tears, ranting and raving every time I talk with her. And this is 10 months since she filed for divorce and 6 months after she moved out of the house.

There was an OM (EA at minimum) who supported her - though in the last month or so she claims each time I meet her that she does not talk to him anymore (I do not bring this up at all). But she still hasn't run out of steam on the ranting and raving and shows no signs of relenting.

I have fought for my rights on custody and property (already ~$50K squandered). Its like fighting an alien enemy, something I never imagined I'd have to do as family and kids was my life.

I've tried a whole lot of "cheeseless tunnels". But her emotionally charged state makes me wonder if she's still clinging to the marriage deep down but something else is coming in the way (pride, guilt, etc.). I'm told she'd somehow have to hit rock bottom to reverse course and that could take years and be too late to restore health to the family, marriage and finances.

I feel that once divorce is filed its extremely difficult to reverse. Anyway I'm wondering if there are people on this board with first hand experience saving a marriage AFTER a WAW has filed for divorce? Please speak up!

[Possible42]

Hi fb2,

My honest advice is that if your WAW is anything like mine, she probably has been planning this for years. The best advice I can give is leave her alone and don't take her up on any type of argument. Friend of mine said "submit to everything - no matter what". My ex has turned into another person. She has completely changed her circle of friends down to a few "enablers" and the OM. I don't know if OM is giving her money, because she works part-time and does not seem to have any financial issues - yet. I find it very hard to believe that a person can maintain this completely different style of living forever.

Read through the Mid Life Crisis (MLC) stuff, especially the post on MLC for Dummies. One of the things the WAW does quite well is turning the spouse into a monster. They are very good at convincing themselves that what they are doing is right. The MLC behavior read like a movie script for my ex.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that have worked things out. I was just like you - I'm an engineer and like statistics, so was also looking for odds of things working out, etc. Things just have to run their course. Probably heard it before, but you will always be connected through your kids. Be a great dad. I wasn't really there much for my girls before the divorce. Now, they think I'm the greatest. This is really important, because the WAW probably won't have much interest in anything but doing what makes them feel good - hence the OM. Kids are very powerful in bringing relationships back together.

Last and most important - if you aren't already, get involved in a good church. God can work miracles!

Take care and God Bless.

P42

[jon2911]

I feel that once divorce is filed its extremely difficult to reverse. Anyway I'm wondering if there are people on this board with first hand experience saving a marriage AFTER a WAW has filed for divorce? Please speak up!

Hey man,
No experience, but that's where I'm at and I'm trying. Maybe we can help each other out.

My Sitch

[fb2]

My honest advice is that if your WAW is anything like mine, she probably has been planning this for years. The best advice I can give is leave her alone and don't take her up on any type of argument. Friend of mine said "submit to everything - no matter what".

I'm picking my fights. No submitting on child custody/care and property - I want my rights - and my lawyer will handle it.
But silly arguments will not get ANY reaction from me.

My ex has turned into another person. She has completely changed her circle of friends down to a few "enablers" and the OM.

Ditto. Her friends now are riff-raff all the solid folks are seem to be standing on my side (against breakup). Except that she claims to have given up OM. Strange that there always seems to be an OM though they've supposedly "planned" this for years they have not enough spunk to do it alone.

I don't know if OM is giving her money, because she works part-time and does not seem to have any financial issues ...

In my case too she works part time and I'm paying spousal and child support which I think is unfair given she can also work full time. But I'm biding my time on this.

Read through the Mid Life Crisis (MLC) stuff, especially the post on MLC for Dummies. One of the things the WAW does quite well is turning the spouse into a monster. They are very good at convincing themselves that what they are doing is right. The MLC behavior read like a movie script for my ex.

Sounds much the same. Age 38 could be MLC was the biological clock is ticking. I'll read up on this.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that have worked things out. I was just like you - I'm an engineer and like statistics, so was also looking for odds of things working out, etc. Things just have to run their course.

Ditto in my case. Engineers tend to be low-key, factual, unemotional but generally solid folks so the storminess of the WAW is overwhelming for me.

Probably heard it before, but you will always be connected through your kids. Be a great dad. I wasn't really there much for my girls before the divorce. Now, they think I'm the greatest. This is really important, because the WAW probably won't have much interest in anything but doing what makes them feel good - hence the OM. Kids are very powerful in bringing relationships back together.

Great! I've been with my kids daily from the minute they were born so the bond is still strong. But D11 was "brainwashed" a bit by W (treated her as an adult/equal) and so its going to take a while for her to understand what's been going on but she knows I'm there for her.

Last and most important - if you aren't already, get involved in a good church. God can work miracles.

I've always stayed faithful in this regard tho' I need to get more personally involved ... maybe feed the homeless or something like that.

Take care and God Bless.

Thanks. And I wish you the same.

[about2bdvorced]

Happy Birthday P42!! Hope it was a good one filled with love and joy..and strippers.