So H phones my best friend (sounds like he's been feeling the tension from friends and was calling her to feel it out). She ripped him a new one for 45 minutes on the phone. First and foremost about the crap he pulled with the bank account but then she layed into him about everything else that he said he was going to do and isn't. She called him on how horrible his actions are and she thinks he's an A$$*&%E and so does everyone else. She then gave him the impression that I was seeking legal action. BOY DID HE BACK PEDAL!!! He started to say it wasn't his intention to do that with the bank account and that he can now see why it was taken that way and that he'd change it back right away.
Long story short he then phoned me to apologize for it and told me he was on his way to the office to change it. Well...that opened the can of worms I needed to be opened. I told you all it was coming and that I was just building my strength to do it...well today it came out. I let it out. ALL OF IT! He thought that little apology was going to be enough to slide on by but I let loose. I told him what a cold heartless b$%^&#$d he's been and that I am ashamed he is the father of my kids. I said I don't have any clue who he is or who I'm dealing with. That he needs to step back and look at MY SIDE of this to see how is actions are impacting me AND HIS CHILDREN! I told him I have let our marriage go and I am not focused on that any more (hee hee hee...little does he know...) I think he was relieved to hear that. I called him on how angry and cruel he has been to me over the last 6 weeks and at first he denied it. Then he said the reason he was doing it was because when he wasn't doing it I was getting the impression there was false hope for us and he didn't want to do that anymore. He told this to my BF as well and she told him that I'm not worried about false hope anymore and that he needs to communicate with me properly from now on for the sake of our kids.
I called him on bringing up selling the house when our S was 19 days old and he said "but I've dropped that"...he said "I thought about it after and I realized it was too soon". I said, "do you think you could have let me know that??, I know you haven't mentioned it since but the last discussion you left VERY angry at me because I wouldn't consider it. What should lead me to believe anything different especially with how you've been treating me??".
I won't go into all the sordid details...but I reamed him. Everything that has been pent up inside of me for the last 3 months came pouring out at the top of my lungs. And boy did it feel good. At first he was defensive but then he just listened and took it. Without much response. I told him that I know he wants to move on with his happy and perfect future and he's going to steamroll me in the process. I said I'm tired of being bullied by him and I am not putting up with it any more. I think he got it.
Then...get this...he switches quickly to...what are the plans for the weekend? He wants to get us a X-mas tree and come to put the lights up on the house. Talk about a 180...last week he couldn't even take my garbage out and now he's trying to be good guy again. Now I don't know if I should let him do these things.
Anyway...I spoke to the lawyer and she said since he's reversing what he did with the account and he's holding on the selling the house that there isn't really much I should do right now.
I need to sit with him and get some agreements in place regarding the finances, the kids and the fact that I under no circumstances want my D in the company of that OW...I'll refrain from using the obscenities that I want to about her.
SO! Where does this leave me in the whole DB'ing process??? I'm letting go of the rope. I'm letting my marriage go. Somewhere inside I believe that there could be a chance but I need to proceed for myself and my kids...without him. It hurts...but I'm there. My sister made a good point and that is that if there is a chance for us at all...this marriage has to end anyway because we would have to start over. So I need to let this go and put closure on it so that if there is a chance we can rebuild with a clean slate. But only time...a lot of time will tell that.
I suppose now the real DB'ing starts. Now that he thinks I've let the marriage go, I'll show him the strong, independant, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I AM! Can you tell I'm pumped?? J~
Just wanted to post good for you, glad you got to say your peace.
That all i have for now, going thru my own crisis right now over weekend and h taking ow to wedding.
will keep reading your post, great job
bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
WAY TO GO JENNY! I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your children. I think that it's good you let him know where you stand. You must have been pretty much dead on if he didn't even try to argue. The real test now that you've stated your position is to stick with it. Be consistent otherwise he won't believe everything that you told him.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
You ROCK Jenny! I'm proud of you for standing up to him. I let my H know some of my feelings today although I was too emotional about it and did it in a message. He said we can talk this weekend. I noticed that after he had to hear what I had to say he changed a little for the day. Don't know if he is softening or getting ready to drop a bigger bomb. Either way I will be thinking of you and hoping to be as strong as you.
Thanks for the positive feedback guys. Had a few moments tonight of sadness over the 'letting go' of my marriage. But still feeling ok about it overall.
I decided about H's offer to get a x-mas tree and put up the house lights on Sunday...I'm going to get a tree myself tomorrow (Sat) and let him put up the lights. It's my own little compromise!
I have to keep telling myself that these steps are not necessarily a means to an end...just part of the process.
I wish I knew what is going on in his head and how he is reflecting on the conversations both myself and my best friend had with him today. He's always been a guy who takes things away and thinks about them after the fact. I wonder if they will have an impact or if they will be lost on him. I know it shouldn't matter...and for the first time I really don't feel I'm focused here...just curious. J~
Thanks for the positive feedback guys. Had a few moments tonight of sadness over the 'letting go' of my marriage. But still feeling ok about it overall.
I decided about H's offer to get a x-mas tree and put up the house lights on Sunday...I'm going to get a tree myself tomorrow (Sat) and let him put up the lights. It's my own little compromise!
I have to keep telling myself that these steps are not necessarily a means to an end...just part of the process.
I wish I knew what is going on in his head and how he is reflecting on the conversations both myself and my best friend had with him today. He's always been a guy who takes things away and thinks about them after the fact. I wonder if they will have an impact or if they will be lost on him. I know it shouldn't matter...and for the first time I really don't feel I'm focused here...just curious. J~
I think I'm w/ you today Jenny. I told my H yesterday that I was taking the girls to cut down a tree today and he was welcome to go. H took me up on the offer. Don't know if he is doing it for the Ds or us. I will drive myself crazier if I try to figure it out. As my mom would say, it is a short drive. I think you are wise to do the tree yourself. Show him that you are capable.
J You said what you needed to, now let it all go see if he follows through with the financial stuff and if it is acceptable to you -thank him
I have wanted to tell H off so much over the last 10 months I think there is a definite cleansing for us when it is done Im not sure how they in MLC handle it when we went to MC early after bomb, I told him a few things nothing really helped..he had to continue on thru the tunnel so now, I say nothing I thank him for what he does especially the financial support which he always gives if he buys something for kids or babysits --i thank him This is all so difficult we learn more as we go I was told to make H feel safe so when time came, he knew he could return No guilt trips I have had to bite my tongue many times good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Today I got at tree. My stepdad dropped it off. H had wanted to come by Sunday to bring a tree and put up the lights on the house. I wanted to make sure that I had at least done one of these things without him so I got the tree. D and I decorated it tonight...well, mostly me. I cried the whole time. Every decoration I pulled out of the box was a memory wrapped in tissue paper. The one from our honeymoon, when we moved into the house, our first X-mas together...this would have been our 10th. I put all of his ornaments in a separate box (the drill, the golf ball, anything with his name on it). I kept only the tree lights on in the room so D couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. I said to myself...just keep going until it's done. Cry if you have to just get it done. And I did. It looks great. It took 1/2 a box of Kleenex and some seriously swollen eyes, but that tree is trimmed!!
My best friends came by (L, JB and their kids who are the exact same age as our 2). They gave me support and I was glad they were here to bring me out of my sobbing state of sadness.
H called in the middle of it. I think he was a bit surprised and maybe disappointed that I'd gone ahead and gotten the tree when he had offered. Good. He asked what was going on tonight and tomorrow. I think he wanted to come over tonight to see the kids. I told him our friends were coming over and he just said "Ok. Can I come tomorrow after hockey? I'll put up the lights." I said ok.
See...ever since my blow up the other day...now he is acting all nice again. Because I called him on the anger and stood up to him...he knows he can't get away with it now. But now that he's being nice it's even harder to talk to him without being sad. At least when he was being an a$$*&%e I could easily detach. But I did sense some slight nervousness in his voice. The arrogance he's been showing has lifted slightly, we'll see if it comes back.
So I'm determined to go into tomorrow with my best DB'ing yet! I don't think I can act totally happy, in fact I think I have be a little quiet almost giving the impression that I'm still a bit angry about his recent actions. Although this is not a stretch...I am still pissed. That will keep him 'nervous'. I'll work towards happy over a few days. For me first and foremost...but for DB purposes too!
I have to say I am most nervous about the fact he has now heard from me and my best friend that "I have let the marriage go". Another reason he is acting so nice...he doesn't feel he has to be as A$$ in order to not give me false hope. It's weird.
All I can hope is that the wheels are turning in his head. That although he won't show it or say anything to anyone, I hope to God that he is at least thinking about things. I hope the holidays spark some retrospection of the last decade. I was wondering if I should give him his ornaments....but then I thought, nah. I'll wait until I'm repacking them in January and do it then. You never know what can happen between now and then. SANTA! I'D LIKE MY H FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE!!! J~
