New and Improving

[lizzy]

I can't take hearing H tell the girls he loves them and misses them anymore. I feel like he is stabbing a knife in my heart everytime he tells them. It brings me to tears because he doesn't say it to me.

I totally understand - It's REALLY hard to stay strong all of the time. It is so exhausting and almost debilitating at times. Sounds like you need some time to recharge and reset yourself if possible.

Maybe you can have him take the girls one evening and you can go somewhere with your friends? It's really tough when you spend so much time around kids without any adult contact. I know I had maybe three days straight a couple of weeks ago when the only human contact was with my D - I talked to W on IM, but it wasn't like a real verbal conversation.

Don't worry too much about calling your H - If he's mad, it'll blow over. He sounds pretty stressed out himself, so just take it easy and give him some space.

I wonder what would have happened if when he suggested the laundromat you just said "Let me get you a bag" and that was that?

Thanks, the bag idea gave me a much needed laugh. Got a text about 2:00 saying he just got into work and so he just got my messages. Don't know where he has been all day. Said he wasn't upset about the washer/dryer thing and doesn't mind folding clothes. That is good to know after 19 1/2 years. Also said we can talk Sat. or Sun. That should be fun. SET EXPECTATIONS SUPER LOW!

Thanks, the bag idea gave me a much needed laugh. Got a text about 2:00 saying he just got into work and so he just got my messages. Don't know where he has been all day. Said he wasn't upset about the washer/dryer thing and doesn't mind folding clothes. That is good to know after 19 1/2 years. Also said we can talk Sat. or Sun. That should be fun. SET EXPECTATIONS SUPER LOW!

I wouldn't think too much about what he wants to talk about - It's probably something really benign... Sounds like he's not all that together, so just take it all with a pinch of salt. You think you're confused?!

[lizzy]

H stopped by to see D 10 yesterday before sk8ing. We left and then H took D15 to friends house. H was supposed to have a business dinner. Called to say it was canceled and he has a brunch today instead. Told H that Ds wanted a real tree this year. Told him I was planning to take them to cut one today and he was welcome to go. H agreed and said we could go early afternoon. Told him there was no hurry if his business ran over as we had no other plans.

H said he was going to spend the night at his friend's place. This friend was given the boot by his W. I'm not really sure why H hasn't stayed there before instead of in the office every night. Anyway, I'm glad H is going there because he seems to be very ill and I don't think he would get any rest at office. (I'm glad Ds and I got our flu shots. ) I thought about telling H he could stay at the house, but I didn't want to push things.

[JennyF]

Lizzy..I haven't had a chance to read through your thread, but wanted to stop by. I'll try to catch up later.

Hope you have fun going to pick out a tree. My Stepdad is picking one up for me and dropping it off this afternoon. So I can have it up and D and I decorate it before H shows up tomorrow!
J~

[lizzy]

Today was a good day overall. D10 and I put up more decorations in the house and I put up some outside. H showed up in the afternoon and said all we needed now was a tree. H felt horrible today but went with us anyway to cut down a tree. D10 and I decorated the tree after we got home. D15 was being a teen IM on the computer.

H went to buy oil for the cars and filled up the washer fluid. He said he would get new wiper blades tomorrow. Don't know if he did it to be nice or because he thinks I'm not capable.

H ate take out with us for dinner and played on the computer. Ended up staying half the day. I had stopped at the store to buy him some meds for his flu. I told him I could sleep on the couch if he wanted to try getting some sleep in the bed tonight. He said thanks but no thanks.

Talked about taking the Ds to church in the morning and asked H if he was going. Said he was going to try to sleep in. I agreed that was a good idea given how ill he is. After he left he called to see if Ds wanted to do something tomorrow. Said we hadn't talked about and asked if he had something in mind. H said he didn't. I suggested we wait and see how he feels tomorrow. He didn't specify if I would be included or if he just wanted to do something w/ Ds. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

Positives today:
1. Had fun getting the tree.
2. House looks festive.
3. Spent a lot of time together although not much dialogue at all.
4. My eyes stayed dry all day and I'm back to being strong.

Strange thing for the day:
H told me to get money out of his wallet for dinner. H just switched his wallet a couple of days ago. H put my C's card in his wallet. He doesn't have any future app. w/ her. Thought that was weird.

Positives today:
1. Had fun getting the tree.
2. House looks festive.
3. Spent a lot of time together although not much dialogue at all.
4. My eyes stayed dry all day and I'm back to being strong.

Great news!!! Such a change from how things were going a week ago. Remember, it's important not to give up hope when things seem so dark, since you can continue to have such pleasant times

[lizzy]

Ds and I started the day by going to church and Target. Then D10 and I went to the grocery store and came home to make soup. H walked in the house just as we were getting ready to eat and I told him there was plenty. Usually he isn't into soup but he had two servings. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up about 2:00 I asked if he would mind if I ran out. H said no so I went Christmas shopping until about 4:30. After I got home I ordered pizza. H spent the whole rest of the day here. No talking all weekend as he had said we would do on Friday.

Now comes the part where I realize what a selfish A*&H*@$* my H is. After D10 was in bed and D15 was in the shower I said I see my C tomorrow do you have any feedback for me to share. (My C wanted me to lay out my thoughts on the S so far and tell him how much I miss him. I did that the other day though not face to face.) H sat down looked at the TV and said nothing so I wasn't sure he heard. Then he looked at the celling and said nothing. Finally he said he didn't have any. He did think we were doing a better job of talking. H doesn't want to move in and wants to find a place to stay.

In the course of our talk he told me he thought he would have the Ds for the weekend since he was gone most of the week. I said that I would have done that but he said nothing. Pointed out that I offered to let him have time w/ them Thurs. but he never responded.

I'm not happy about the prospect of him getting a place. I did tell him that he doesn't really know what it is going to be like if things become permanent. Mentioned that the non-residental parent only has a couple of evenings a week from what I have seen. He then mentioned that we need to get something in writing. I said that is what I was saying 6 weeks ago. H seemed to indicate that things were going to be permanent.

H left and wasn't very happy. I was very bothered because he pretty much left me feeling hopeless. I called and said he didn't have to tell me but I felt I had nothing to loose. I wanted to know if he had asked his C about me going in or if his C had asked. H said the C didn't see the need for that. Since he is treating him for his depression it doesn't involve me. WTF!? That goes against anything anyone else has ever told me. Either H is lying or his C sucks worse than I thought. H said they talk about his crying(didn't know about that), anxiety, anger, etc. Never mentioned us. I said I thought that our sitch might have some bearing on the depression but I guess the C and H don't think so.

I told H I am getting a lot of mixed messages. I told him I felt used when we shared an intimate act a couple of weeks ago. Asked what that meant to him and he didn't know what to say. Gave him some options and he said it was that he was confused. He wants it to mean something. H was talking in circles. Everytime he said something and I restated or tried to validate he said that wasn't what he said/thought.

I told him he has had it too easy and that was the wrong thing to say. I'm supposed to feel bad that he is sleeping at the office or in his car. I didn't ask him to move out. I didn't ask him to walk away from me and Ds.

I so need to go black. If only I could. It sucks so much that Christmas is two weeks away. D15 went to bed upset because she saw me crying. She thought things were getting better too.

Sorry to anyone who has read this whole thing. Just needed to vent. Wish I would have given H a piece of my mind. I don't have anything left to loose. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of not being loved. I need to detach and I need to move on. I told H he has moved on and I need to do the same. I know I did too much pushing today, but I am tire of the BS. WTH does he want from me?

[lizzy]

Something else H did that POed me. I said on the phone that I am taking responsiblity for being a horrible person. H said I wasn't. I said I did push him away and made him miserable that last year because of was tired of not being told or shown that I was loved. H said it has been more than a year. So I'm not horrible, but I've pushed him away for years. I would love it if he wrote a list of greivences or wrong doings. I don't think he knows WTH he can't stand me anymore. I told him I'm not the person he married and he isn't the person I married. So if we changed, why can't we change again. I also told him he knew I wasn't a sex kitten when he married me. Apparently he has been lying to me for 22 years. It was 22 years ago Friday that we met.

[JennyF]

Hi Lizzy,

I said I did push him away and made him miserable that last year because of was tired of not being told or shown that I was loved. H said it has been more than a year. So I'm not horrible, but I've pushed him away for years. I would love it if he wrote a list of greivences or wrong doings. I don't think he knows WTH he can't stand me anymore.

I've been over and over this one too. It's kind of chicken or the egg thing. Did I become this person because of how you treated me or were you treating me this way because of the person I became? I'd have to say more the former than the latter, but I'm sure my H would disagree. Either way I don't like the person I've turned into. I've been walking on eggshells for a year in fear of pushing him away.

I WANT the opportunity to go back and take responsibility for my portion of what may have gone wrong with our M, but he says it's too late for that. But I think there is a difference between what we could have done differently in our relationships and being a horrible person.
I know I'm not horrible and Lizzy I'm pretty sure you're no where near horrible either. We just could have done things differently as anyone can say.
So now I'm just trying to get back to me. Maybe not the old me completely...a new and improved me.
I am actually getting excited about this prospect of starting myself over again...the possibilities are endless!
J~

[lizzy]

Thanks Jenny, I know I am a good person. Just H makes me feel like I'm horrible even though he says I'm not.

I was just reading some stuff I printed out about detaching. I need to start living it. I found 8 signs that our relationship is toxic.
1. H is emotionally unavailable
2. H is non-reienforcing for me
3. I am overly dependent
4. H has the power to impact my feelings about myself
5. I am a chronic fixer
6. I have a fantasy that H will change or come around
7. H won't forgive or forget
8. My needs/wants are being ignored

I really need to GAL. I told H this morning that he can stay at the house tonight with the girls and I am making arrangements to stay elsewhere. H thanked me to which I did not respond. I don't want to say you are welcome or its ok because that would be a lie. I had to call MIL to ask if I can stay there. She was very supportive and I was surprised that she didn't ask more questions or bash her son. I will probably get that tonight. I wish there was another place to stay, but that is it for now. My closest relative is an hour away. I should have packed up and moved over the summer after the bomb dropped.