Reaching desperation point

[Dom R]

When H (now 45) and I (now 37) met 12 years ago we got along fabulously, and there was definitely lust and passion between us but H didn't want to have sex until we were sure this was "it". (The first of MANY red flags I ignored over the years,

I dont think that is a red flag.

During our first few years I noticed, and again chose to ignore, the biggest red flag of all - he had a major internet porn thing going on. He would reject me in bed and yet sneak off to his den to jerk off in front of the computer.

now THAT, however, is a problem.

The sex, as infrequent as it is, has actually gotten really good (for both of us). This almost makes it worse, because when we do it I want it more.

I think that is a really big, positive thing, personally.

Except this time, for the first time since we met, I couldn't get aroused. I went through the motions just because I knew he had planned this romantic evening and I didn't want to disappoint him. But in the end I physically couldn't do it. I started to sink into a major depression, that I'm still in the middle of. In my heart I blame him for ruining this, for drying me up (not to be graphic), for wasting what were supposed to be my best years sexually.

My guess is that the reason you couldnt get aroused, is your huge amount of resentment about "wasting years of your life".

Feeling that way, would pretty much kill the mood for most anyone.

From what I've read, this is actually a pretty common backlash type reaction. When someone complains about a problem in their marriage for years.. but then they finally get a taste of things going right... suddenly, they can get overwhelmed with feelings of, "WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS SOONER?!?!?!"

The thing is... you can choose to kill things between you with resentment... or you can choose to let go of the past, and look to a better future.

Some people say that you would need to "grieve" the loss of that past time. (but then let it go, and get over it )

Even if someone walked up to my door right now and handed me the perfect solution wrapped up in a pretty gold box I don't know if I'd open it because that would force me to open up my heart again and have hope and I'm all out of hope.

This is the biggest problem. You deliberately setting things up to fail, (or blocking things that would succeed), so that you can justify leaving him because "it's not working".

I know there are no quick answers but I am desperate here. It's starting to feel like leaving is the best option, before I make the final descent into madness.

It's not the "best option". it's not even the only option.
Nor is it a "quick" one, either. I doubt you are really going to feel fulfulled, even if you leave him tomorrow. right?


It sounds to me, as though there is actually a Lot of Hope for your situation!

The two biggest problems that I see, that stand in the way of you two having a great marriage together are:

#1: his porn addiction (and possible shame issues about real sex)

#2: your resentment of the past, and wanting to find an "easy way out".


The head-on approach to all this, would be that he goes to seek help, with something like sex-addicts anonymous, and that you get counselling for your decade of resentment towards him.


Worse case... tell him that you want to leave, and you plan to, because he wont address these issues for your sake.

Sometimes, people are willing to do more than you think they would do, if you let them know just how high the stakes really are.