I never really answered your last question. Yes, I was hoping for something non-sexual. That was why I was dissappointed and the fact that he did not even try to cooperate in what I was doing. That was the "turn-off" for me.
Sorry, for blowing off like I did. I know I still have a lot of resentment that I should shed and I'm trying, but it is very hard to do. I guess I want all of you to understand what I have gone through but I don't seem to get the message across very well. Anway, I hope I answered your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - I have just read through this thread and the one you linked earlier, where you told your story. I used to post here years ago but stopped, and it's stories like yours that make me wish I had done a better job of sticking around these boards, because (gosh darn it!) it just makes me feel better knowing there are other women out there living in a similar situation.
You have made great progress, IMO, and you are an inspiration. I look forward to seeing how this all goes with your H, and how he responds (hopefully with positive changes). Kudos, too, to DomR - that sample letter you wrote brought tears to my eyes. It was fantastic. You are a good person to be so supportive and helpful.
Cemar, No, he didn't cooperate b/c he told me he would make a list and he didn't. It was too many years ago for me to remember all the particulars, but we were to make a "list" which means to name more than one item, that would enrich our marriage. Things we wanted from the other person or things we wished the other one would not do. On that list was to be goals, dreams, plans, a lot of different things we could discuss over the day. And he said it in one sentence. You asked me what I was looking for and why would he want that? Why would he NOT want it? Shouldn't married couples have things in the relationship they can discuss that doesn't include sex? Why are you always so defensive where he is concerned? Why do you have this attitude that you always do?
It doesn't matter. You will never see my side of it or understand. I think you see me as being a frigid, unfair wife that has withheld sex from her poor husband for years, driving him in his cave to suffer in silence. No matter what I tell you, you will always think I'm in the wrong and that my H has done nothing wrong whatsoever. No matter how many times I try to tell you how it happened and that he chose to leave my bedroom and he chose to stop having sex with me. It just doesn't matter.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What an encouraging post. Thank you so much for those kind words. I really needed that b/c I have felt like I've really backslid here lately. As you probably read, I have suffered a lot from depression and it has just about got the best of me. I have been discouraged about the MR and just don't seem to have any desire right now to be much of a "go-getter" in seeing plans put into action. But, I'm hoping to be better soon.
DomR has been a good friend and has stood by me from almost the beginning. There were times I wanted him to leave me alone....lol, but then there were times I prayed he wouldn't give up on me.
He has tried to tell me to "just do it" and then the feelings will eventually come, but that is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am a feelings based person. If my heart isn't in it, I just can't seem to do it......or not a good job anyway.
Again, thanks for the sweet letter and please feel welcome to drop by anytime and express your thoughts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Moved this reply over from Ann's thread... 'cause it belongs more on your thread, than hers.
Quote:
so please don't pressure me, ok? Timing is everything and I have learned from bad experiences that I better wait until I know it is the "right" time to discuss things of that nature with my H or I will be sorry for ever bringing the subject up.
That's certainly true.... However, DO keep in mind though, that for some things, there is never a "right time". If you wait for more than another day or two, you will probably lose your nerve to do it.
Last time I "didnt pressure you" to do stuff...
you completely flaked out, didnt follow through, and got yourself into a depression, because your husband wasnt doing stuff for you. And as a result, you were fixing to head out to find yourself another OM, emotionally.
Why wasnt your H doing stuff for you during the last month?
because you didnt ask.
It's been two days, since we finished talking about the strategy. (no, wait, 3 days, i think) No-one is in a bad mood for two days straight, continuously. Unless they need medical help, maybe. but you're the one on ADs, not your H, eh?
Dont let things tank between you and your husband again, like you let it last month. You let it happen, by not following through after you started the positive momentum. You chose to let the positive momentum die out before.
I figure if you dont talk to him this weekend, then you are setting yourself up to chicken out again. You're using the exact same excuse you did last time.
If you're serious about really saving your marriage, rather than just talking about it on this message board... go DO it.
Last edited by Dom R; 12/09/0703:46 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
If you're serious about really saving your marriage, rather than just talking about it on this message board... go DO it.
Why do you feel the need to continually dictate to Sandi how to manage her M? I understand you are trying to help, but if she just wants to vent, she has the right to do that. I really think you may be making her feel worse/guilty for not being able to be all gung-ho like you insist she be. Lay off her a little bit. sheesh. And I apologize Sandi if I'm off base with this. But I can relate to not always feeling up to dealing with our stressful M's. I think most people on this board can as well. Just do what's right for you and don't let anyone else dictate how to do it. It's your life and your M. Good luck to you.
Yes, DomR, my husband had been on AD meds since his heart surgery and he gets without it and doesn't tell me, so he has been without it for several days.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
but here's something to consider; there's "bad/angry mood at *you*"... and then there's "everything else".
If he's generally depressed... if he's generally sad... rather than specifically upset at you personally... then, suitably rephrased, what you have to say to him, should *cheer him up* !
Have you considered that one of the reasons he may be depressed... could be the same reason you are depressed? because he's unhappy about the state of your marriage?
You coming to him, with "here's a way I'd like to look at, for us both to improve our marriage", could give him hope. Something to look forward to.
Last edited by Dom R; 12/09/0707:18 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
