wawpioneer, that is great news , praise God, things can turnaround, no matter how bleak they seem. i am so happy for you.it took a lot of courage for your wife to do what she has. bravo to her also.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Great news. I guess welcome to the beginning stages of piecing. That's where I'm at. Go SLOOOOOOOOOOW. I can not emphasize this enough. There will be ups and downs and your confidence will be rattled and rebuilt. My H and I have been working on being together for a month now. Most of the time it's been kind of a honeymoon stage, but then we have nights like last night where we go into the really heavy talking and realize that we're not quite through this yet. H hasn't moved back in and I don't push it. The fact is I now know he WILL be moving back. It's no longer and if and I'm okay with that. His ring is not back on yet but I'm being patient. We are moving forward.
Continue to work on your changes and focus on what each other needs to keep the positive momentum going. Keep the lines of communication open (this was our big issue as I'm sure it is for many). Encourage communication even if what your S has to say hurts. It is clearing the air and ultimately will help in the long run. Be strong. Good luck. Go slow and make sure you show your W appreciation for what she is doing. Swallowing pride and asking to come back takes a ton of courage.
Me: 37 H: 35 M: 6 T: 8 2 cats, 1 dog, 0 kids S: 09/10/07 D started 9/21/07 (I stalled) Piecing: 11/9/07
those are the same as me and my H's 5LL! I'm words and his quality. however, I never ever ever would have guess his was that. we just did an online test, so I'm not sure how accurate it is.
So no wonder he wasn't getting love from me. Was it a surprise to you as well?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
It actually was a surprise to me. I really did not know that was her love language. Looking back we were both so immature when we got M. We just never "got it". Everyone should go to some good MC prior to M. Any way. I hope she works on my LL soon. I know that she will try but today we spoke her's all day. She took off work and we went shopping and talked about things going on in our lives all day. No R talk. I will need words of affirmation soon but for right now we need to get her up to speed. Maybe we can work on my needs along the way but the journey should be sweet.
We plan on taking it slow and I am sure we will learn the meaning of the word "patience" as we go. We did talk about today a little and we both agreed that we enjoyed ourselves today. That is good.
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
So cool to hear 5LL book is helping. Glad a guy from NY can show a guy from the "Show Me" state something. LOL.
waw-p: don't stop here. I recommended 2 other things. Don't drop the ball. This was my post from a few days ago:
Quote:
1. Start combing through DR book, now. The book is written as a tool to prevent D - though most of us find it a few days or a few weeks too late. There is tons of info there.
2. You need Gary Chapman's book - Five Love Languages. This is one you both need to read and learn.
3. Get yourself a good, easy to read Bible. You tried marriage you way - now try it the right way. Look for either a New Living Translation or an Amplified Version. And when you are ready for specific resources for healing the marriage, ask. Spirituality is something you have to want. It cant be force fed. But when you understand that all your issues, you W issues, my issues are already written about - finding peace, comfort, spirituality and God is easy.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Thanks for the advice. That is pretty funny though. You are right...never thought I could learn anything from a new yorker! LOL! I will comb through the D book again. We both have very good study bibles. We have differing views on some religious aspects right now but hopefully over time we can talk about those things and at least come to some understanding on our viewpoints. I will pray for understanding and for help to approach our M spiritually. I firmly believe that God laid the groundwork for M down for us and it is the best way. Thank you again for the support I_W.
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
I am jealous though that your both read the 5LL. I barely got my H to take the quiz. I still don't get mine (meaning, he doesn't show me MY 5LL), but I guess we never talked about it. I've told him many times before about needing to hear words from him. more than just "you look nice" two times a year. or dinner was good. So, I'm still waiting for mine. So, I guess maybe I should ask him to read the book, or maybe print out a page or two... cuz I know he wouldn't read the whole thing. he's kinda your stereotypical guy, watches football all day, wouldn't read anything unless it was about vietnam, likes to just chill on the couch after work, doesn't talk about emotional stuff ever, etc.
whoops...didn't mean to go on about me.
patience. yes, you will continue learning that one. but do realize, that your M is going to be much better after all of this. And think how much stronger it will be too. And if you guys both believe in the same foundation of faith.. you know, like "believe in Christ and you will be saved", then it doesn't really matter about the rest. You can learn from each other, and plus, we're suppose to have a childlike faith anyways... and sometimes focusing so hard on all the details, I think can cause us more difficulties.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
We have now spent 3 days living together and I have badly misinterpreted our sitch. I will explain.
1. Her main reason for moving back in was to spend some time here and see if her "feelings" change and then she might would know whether or not it could work. She has cried every day that she has been here and did not discuss that with me. She is still keeping her emotional wall up. Also, about the only effort that she has and is willing to put forth is to just be here. She is not willing to talk about our needs and how we can work on fulfilling them. She says that she does not know what her needs are and thus cannot tell me. She says that it just does not feel natural to her and that it feels forced. She says that she feels smothered and does not know what it is that she is supposed to do and she does not know what she wants me to do. She still does not want to to couples MC for now. She is still unsure if she can do this or not. She feels like crap and it is hard to live with.
2. My expectations were WAY too high. I expected her to put "real" effort into our M when she moved back in. Talk about our love languages and goals. What are some of the things that we can do together? How can we work on building intimacy? I did not expect that she would move back in and just "exist" to see if her feelings are going to change. From my perspective all she did was move back in and change her geographic location and not her perspective or attitude towards our M. This was a very painful realization.
3. She says that during our whole relationship that she never has been comfortable with just being with me. She says that she always has to have someone else around such as one of girlfriends so that she can feel comfortable. She says that she is not comfortable with me when we are alone and is not sure is she ever will be and she thinks that says a lot about our R. One thing that she did say that gave me some insight to what she is feeling is that she feels as if I just started caring when she moved out. She feels like I never cared about her! That one hurt because it was not true. She said that the OM accepted her for who she is and showed her that he cared. I have got to work on that but do not know how.
Our R is not progressing as I had thought. I am not sure what to do here. She is not putting any effort into our M other than just being here and that is taking everything she has just to do that. I am not sure what to do. Any thoughts?
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
but do realize, that your M is going to be much better after all of this. And think how much stronger it will be too. And if you guys both believe in the same foundation of faith.. you know, like "believe in Christ and you will be saved", then it doesn't really matter about the rest. You can learn from each other, and plus, we're suppose to have a childlike faith anyways... and sometimes focusing so hard on all the details, I think can cause us more difficulties.