Calling all Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy readers. I know my story is long, but please point me in the right direction.
Our marriage started June 4, 2006. We had been dating prior to this for almost four years. Prior to our marriage we enjoyed good times and bad. I remember there being more good times than bad. The bad mostly related to arguments over when I was going to marry her to petty stuff such as her organizational skills, her two cats and dog, to me just being a complete jackass belittling her, not accepting her outside activities, to generally just being a jerk to her.
However, I still loved her. She is such a caring and loving person. She never had one ounce of selfish attitude towards me always going the extra mile to make me smile. I do not know how or why I always made things so difficult for her. All I can think of right now is how bad I have hurt her and how I can reconcile for my past transgressions towards her.
Our arguments did not stop once we got married. In fact, I think I got so comfortable arguing with her I took it to the next level by losing my anger with her in an argument often times calling her names, saying very rude stuff to her and often times just telling her I quit; lets get divorced.
I look back on things now and realize that all my arguments with her were so pity, so self centered, and never placed myself in her shoes to look at the relationship through her eyes. However, that is not to say that the cats did not bother me and it is not to say that her tiny faults did not bother me in some way. I realize now that she was the same person, disorganized to a fault but a heart that was so soft and warm.
But over the course of the marriage it did not take me long to turn her warm loving heart to a very cold heart where she just froze. I do not remember the last time I ever gave her a compliment. I do not fully understand why, but I always punished her by not showing or telling her my feelings towards her if the cat litter box was not cleaned out or the dishes weren’t done or the floor wasn’t vacuumed. In fact I had double standards. I remember we had agreed that whoever cooked the other person would clean up the mess. But I had to turn this around too.
Four months ago (beginning of September) I agreed to take a temporary assignment with my company 7hrs away. She did not seem to have a problem with this. I would come home for the weekend every third weekend. I missed her so much when I was alone. But for some reason our arguments carried over to the phone calls.
October came around and we were invited to a Halloween party. We both went and had a fairly decent time. She was not feeling well and I had a bit too much to drink at the party. Well, for some reason I started belittling her at the party in front of some friends. Although she did not say anything to me until the next morning, I felt really bad.
That Sunday night we were on our way to my parent’s house to heave dinner. My father was away on business so it was just going to be the two of us and my mother. On the way over there I noticed that there was some mail in the back of her car that she had picked up from my parents house on Friday. For some reason I blew up and lost control of myself. I began yelling and screaming and all that she could do was start crying. She even begged and pleaded for me to take her back home. I continued on to my parent’s house where she immediately dropped me off and left. I explained to my mother what happened and she suggested I call her. I invited her back to the house where we explained to my mom that we have been arguing and fighting.
She tried her best to find a medium between the two of us. However, I think the both of us left not feeling very good about the relationship. It should have immediately been taken from there to an experienced therapist.
I left the following Monday back to my temporary assignment. Our phone calls back and forth were cordial at best. I could tell in her tone that she was upset, and that tone in her voice made me upset.
Two weeks had gone by and I was finally coming home for good. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving and on my way home she hinted that there were problems. It was not until I got home that I realized that she was going to move out. I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider but the following Sunday my mom came over and we all sat around the dining room table and that was when she finally said, “I think its best if we retreat to neutral corners.” This being her finding an apartment locally or somewhere else.
It was also brought up that I needed to go and see a psychiatrist to determine if there was something more to all my anger and impatience. I decided right then and there that I needed to do this. I hesitated before because I work for a defense contractor holding specific security clearances. One of the many questions that are asked in order to obtain the clearance is whether or not the person requesting the clearance is mentally stable. This is what has kept me from doing this in the past. The fear of losing my credentials, thereby losing my job if there was no other job I could that did not require the security clearances.
I was destroyed and to honor that space requirement I stayed either at a friend’s house on the couch or my parent’s house, coming back to our house briefly to get a fresh set of clothes or a random item that I needed.
Thanksgiving came and we told my Grandparents. She does not have Grandparents so I know that she looks at mine as hers; and they look at her as their own Granddaughter. This was tough for everyone, especially my Grandfather who is not doing well and probably won’t exist with us much longer.
We then told her parents. Much to my surprise her mom did not seem fully surprised but rather supported her decision. She made some comments of course of how she saw the relationship and how she saw her daughter the victim; but that was to be expected. I cried in her mom’s arms. In fact it is up to most recently that I have stopped crying.
The Following Monday after Thanksgiving I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. One that my mom had a friend recommend. Her friend is a psychologist professor at the local community college. The date for the appointment was December 4. This time could not come sooner. I wanted so badly to determine what was wrong with me.
Time went on and I spent more time at my parent’s house. What a weird feeling, living with my parents again. All I could think was that my attitude and cold-heartedness had cost me a marriage not to mention that we had to explain to my family and hers that we were separating. She got an apartment the week after Thanksgiving 40 miles away and made the final move to her apartment on 12/2/07.
She took everything that belonged to her that she brought from her house (we both came into the marriage each owning a house) and some of the stuff we had acquired together. She left me with more than enough to live. Some things she did leave behind that really hurts are all of the wedding photos, wedding album, and wedding videos. She even made it a point to place the wedding photos in our bedroom to where I would constantly be reminded of our relationship together. She also left all her scrapbooking stuff and some other random material items that probably would not fit in her new apartment. She did take the dog but could not find a suitable place for the cats. I felt so terrible about all the fuss I made about the cats in the past told her that they were fine here.
Its not that she never told me; she described in great detail what I needed to do in order for the marriage to work better. I was so obstinate. As I stated earlier, I used my emotionless self to punish her for not doing what I asked of her. All I feel is regret and remorse.
I have since started talking to the Pastor that gave us pre-marital counseling. His kindness and wisdom has shown me that there may be hope. All I can do is pray that she has a soft enough heart to forgive me. I realize that this may not come easy. I further realize that patience is the only way.
I have also seen the medical psychiatrist. She spent over an hour with me asking me questions about my sleep patterns, my tenseness, and my impatience. I explained to her that I fly off the handle easy with my wife but not with other people. She explained to me that I reflected someone with a very high expectation of perfectness and that I expected this same perfection through Debbie. She also explained to me that it appeared that I played more of a role as a parent and her as a child since I was always reprimanding her for her shortcomings and faults. I reflect on this and view this as a huge transgression. The medical psychiatrist finally concluded that I had a Generalzied Anxiety Disorder or GAD.
Often time signs and symptoms of GAD include restlessness, feeling keyed up all the time, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, irritability, muscle tension, trouble falling or staying asleep, thoughts always entering your mind of worry, and diarrhea. I had all of those symptoms.
She prescribed to me Cymbalta, an anti-depressant that is supposed to equalize the Serotonin levels in my brain. She also prescribed to me Ambien, a sleeping aid. Since I have started taking the medication I have yet to see any results. I still feel the ups and downs and the Ambien is not working. I often wake up a 2am, slightly fall asleep and then wake up anywhere between 4:30am to 5:30am. I e-mailed her and she said to start taking two of the Ambien’s. This does not seem to help.
She called telling me something that is insignificant, but I made the mistake of asking her if she would consider seeing a counselor. She replied that she would have to check her schedule. I then asked if we had a chance, I also requested that she be honest. There was a long pause and she said she did not think so.
I have since taken up reading the Bible, reading the “Purpose Driven Life”, and the Divorce Remedy. All of these books give me hope that I will be able to change as a person and hopefully be able to repair the damage that I have done to our marriage.
Note: On 12/07/2007 she came over during her lunch break for me to do something for her car. She had hurt her finger by slamming it in a car door and it is all bandaged not allowing her to even use the finger. She rested on the couch where I was reading The Divorce Remedy and was surprised when she walked in. I stuffed in under a pillow and am certain she looked at it while I fooled with her car. She stayed a while and we talked. She described how frustrating her work was that day and how her boss gave her such a hard time for being late the previous day when she had to go to the hospital to get her finger taken care of. She then left to go back to work. I walked her out to the car because she took some of the random stuff she left behind. I had to open the car door since both her hands were full of stuff. It was hard saying good-bye and at first I said, “See Ya.” I then walked into the house and realized that this was not very nice and walked back out and politely said have a good day (all with a very sad face). I could tell by her expression that she was kind of sad. However, I do not know if it was the sadness of seeing my hurt or otherwise.
