Thanks for your reply. You're right, more background on our situation would probably be helpful. I'll try to be brief.
When H (now 45) and I (now 37) met 12 years ago we got along fabulously, and there was definitely lust and passion between us but H didn't want to have sex until we were sure this was "it". (The first of MANY red flags I ignored over the years, but which seem SO obvious now!) After a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I seduced him. The sex wasn't so good, very awkward. It got better over time, but still was not real frequent (about 1x/week - he was always "tired" from work or whatever). After a year we got engaged and moved in together, and sex became less frequent to the point I started trying to have conversations about it. He then said he felt guilty that we were living together unmarried, and that we wouldn't have sex until we got married. This is a huge pattern with him...it will always get better around the next corner, after we have passed the next hurdle, when he gets a new job, etc. etc. etc.
During our first few years I noticed, and again chose to ignore, the biggest red flag of all - he had a major internet porn thing going on. He would reject me in bed and yet sneak off to his den to jerk off in front of the computer. Again, over the next several years, I tried various "solutions" - everything from trying to participate with him, to banning porn, counseling (major failure), etc. Meanwhile, we got married. We had sex twice on our 9-day honeymoon. When we got home, sex was less and less frequent, and there was no passion. (BTW, H has many rules around sex, and kissing is NOT allowed. Neither is oral sex - well, he's willing to receive but not give. It took me a year just to get him to touch me down there. Seriously, um, another red flag there. I am such an IDIOT.)
So that is basically the pattern. Over the years he has come up with all these plans and solutions - scheduled sex, weekend getaways, etc. They work for a week, a month, maybe a few weeks, then nothing. Meanwhile it's been 12 years since we met and fell in love. The sex, as infrequent as it is, has actually gotten really good (for both of us). This almost makes it worse, because when we do it I want it more.
Fast forward to last week. Another fight, another promise of changes, another pity screw. Except this time, for the first time since we met, I couldn't get aroused. I went through the motions just because I knew he had planned this romantic evening and I didn't want to disappoint him. But in the end I physically couldn't do it. I started to sink into a major depression, that I'm still in the middle of. In my heart I blame him for ruining this, for drying me up (not to be graphic), for wasting what were supposed to be my best years sexually. I blame him for taking what was a great relationship and throwing it in the garbage with all his endless excuses and his 3x/day porn habits and on and on.
On the flip side, I blame myself, for ignoring the red flags, for not leaving him years ago, for making the horrible decision to seek sex outside our marriage. I don't know if there is a solution for us. Even if someone walked up to my door right now and handed me the perfect solution wrapped up in a pretty gold box I don't know if I'd open it because that would force me to open up my heart again and have hope and I'm all out of hope.
I know there are no quick answers but I am desperate here. It's starting to feel like leaving is the best option, before I make the final descent into madness.
