Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

Ann - I know that she isn't really important. It's telling my heart that. That's the problem. I'm trying to find the patience within me. I appreciate your posts. They really do help me regain a positive outlook. The baby is doing well we heard the heartbeat today woosh woosh. It's amazing.

WAS32- A list is a great idea. I am a total list person. Another thing I found that helps me is that I had my Mom give me her outside perspective on the whole situation and all the things that really bother me. She's great at seeing the big picture. I had her record it on a mini tape recorder and I listen to it in the morning as I get ready for work.

JennyF - I know that I sound like a broken record. I'm pretty sure that is why a lot of other DB'ers stopped posting as well. I am whining all the time and I don't kick myself in the ass enough. I know the things that I am supposed to do. I just get so gripped with fear and feel like I need to control everything that I end up making things worse for myself.

SO2 - Mornings seem to be my trigger. I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your daughter. Teenager, right? This too will work itself out, you know that. As for my H wanting to take our newborn overnight, that scares the crap out of me. I don't trust him with a newborn. He is very immature and I certainly do not want that OW getting her hands on my baby. I think she's missing a couple (or a bunch) of screws, too. I'm hanging in there. I just want it to get better soon. I'm very impatient if you couldn't tell.

Atlas - thanks for the post. It's nice to hear from a male POV. As for the sex, my husband still wants sex from me even though he is with OW. At first I thought it was a sign of love, now I just think he wants sex. In my head I really do feel that this A will not last. I just hate the waiting. I hate the fact that he is giving her the attention and affection that I deserve from him. It really hurts. But, I just try to push through. I know that he has no idea what is coming. And, I don't doubt that one day he will regret his decision to leave. I'm just afraid it will be too late. That is why I'm impatient.

Please don't give up on me. I can be a slow learning when it comes to matters of the heart. But, once it clicks, I'm off like a race horse. You'll see.

[JennyF]

As for my H wanting to take our newborn overnight, that scares the crap out of me. I don't trust him with a newborn. He is very immature and I certainly do not want that OW getting her hands on my baby.

I am really struggling with this right now. We already have a D together who is almost 3...yet for some reason our son does not feel like "ours" to me. H put me thru intense emotional pain thru my whole pregnancy and then left me at 33 wks. And now I'm supposed to hand him over and say "go see your darling father??" Not to mention how it sickens me to think he'll be with OW! I'm in the process of finding out if I can legally keep my kids away from her.

The thing is, my H was always been a great father to our D. He thinks he still is and that what he is doing has nothing to do with them. But I don't think he's even the same person and my kids deserve a better father than the monster he's turned into.

For now...he's not taking him. I'm not ready and he can wait until I am.

And you know what blindsided? You've got a long time before you have to deal with this stuff, so focus on yourself right now and building your strength. I had a hard time not looking to the future as well, but it will get easier.

Please don't give up on me. I can be a slow learning when it comes to matters of the heart. But, once it clicks, I'm off like a race horse. You'll see.

Just remember that you can be doing more damage than good. To increase your chances of getting what you want...you need to STOP THE CHASE. Go back and reread the LRT. I've told you many times I wish I knew these things at your stage. At 33 wks I did what you're doing and it made things infinitely worse. OK...now I sound like the broken record!

We're not giving up on you...we're here to encourage you. My heart and my head battle it out all the time and my heart usually wins. My head is starting to get wise though...and my heart is getting stronger. Yours will too.
J~

[nephartiti]

Blindsided, someone posted the following on my thread a while back because I knew what I had to do, but I just kept losing it. I don't even know where it is from. She said something about a blue book... anyway, I have it posted everywhere.

"Feelings are not facts..... My Chief task therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behavior sound and go by what I KNOW, not how I FEEL."

You KNOW what you have to do. You know the stats on affairs. They are on your side. You have the techniques of DB to utilize if you want to save your M. When your feelings start to overwhelm you, you have to THINK your way out of it.

I am reading a book called Crucial Conversations and it discusses the primal aspect of what happens to us when we get into an interaction that means everything to us. We are animals after all. The jist is that our brain shuts down, all the blood goes to the rest of our body to react--fight or flight. Guess what? You are fighting, he is flighting. When we force ourselves to THINK (and I do mean force), it sends blood to our brains and counteracts our animal instincts. It is easier said than done, but you know that.

Your hormones right now are a HUGE issue. Emotions are triggered more than we realize by our chemical state. Remind yourself of this also. More than anything, you have to be kind to yourself. I see you beating yourself up a lot. You are HUMAN.

Try this. Think of the advice you would give your daughter (if you had one) or a niece you saw in the same sitch. Try to look in from the outside. Here is this loving caring woman who married a man she thought was the greatest. She worked so hard to get pregnant to start the family she wanted. Her H is a real piece of work and is being VERY selfish. She is using so much energy chasing him that she is missing the precious time she has worked so hard for. He is missing out, but she doesn't have to.

He WILL regret it, but you can't make that happen sooner than it is going to. Live in the present, and make the best of it. You have wonderful support here.

Be kind to you.

[Startingover2]

Very good words Nephartiti. I needed those as well. Being pregnant makes you so much more sensitive and insecure. I know I am. I keep thinking that I must look ugly and fat (I am 6 1/2 months) and dh must find all those other women attractive. But in reality....what a pig if he thinks that.

Blindsided: Look at what he said above....He WILL regret this someday. Maybe awhile down the road, but he will. HE is missing out on this beautiful pregnancy, you don't have to (and neither do I). Enjoy this time as it probably won't happen again.

[JennyF]

This is a great post Nephartiti...I've copied into my solutions journal so I can read it again later.

"Feelings are not facts..... My Chief task therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behavior sound and go by what I KNOW, not how I FEEL."

This is my new mantra!!!
J~

[blindsided1]

That is a great quote and I will read it everyday. Today was, of course, another bad day. I am having dreams, now, about he and OW. I wake up crying. It hurts. I pretty much cried my whole way to work, but then cleaned myself up and am currently faking it. I get scared that I won't talk to him and we will just grow farther and farther apart. And, he will fall into that comfortable zone with OW and I'll just be, as he refers to me, his First wife. I sometimes feel like we are just playing games. He texted me last night around 5pm, asking something about the baby. I didn't text him back until almost 10pm. Then he just didn't respond. I guess I will just take it for what it is. I'm sure he was punishing me for not texting him back right away, but oh well. Does anyone know what the stats are on WAS's coming home. I'd love to know what percentage return.

[Startingover2]

I get scared that I won't talk to him and we will just grow farther and farther apart. And, he will fall into that comfortable zone with OW and I'll just be, as he refers to me, his First wife.

I know that contact makes you feel connected to him, but honestly is the contact you do have bringing him home? No. Try not to use the no contact as a game to bring him back, but more to further YOUR healing. I laugh as I type this because I stink at it, but I really try and make it a reality. I have been at this for well over a year and the contact has not brought him back permanently....just temporarily and it keeps his foot in the door.

Let me ask you this....when you read my sich or Jenny's do you think "oh, she needs to go dark, take care of herself, etc"? I read yours and hers and some others and think that, but I don't apply it in my own sich. Why? We all know what we NEED to do, its just very hard.

[blindsided1]

I really don't even begin to assume I know what you should do, maybe I'm not reading it with that outlook. When I read Jenny and your sitch, I just feel hopeless. Sorry, I don't mean to sound cruel or anything. I just feel hopeless about everything. I just don't read a lot of threads that are hopeful. I see people going through the same things I am and not getting anywhere. Somedays I beg God to let me stop loving him. I hate that I want to stop loving him. Yesterday I told him that I just wanted to get over him and now I worry that he will stay away in an attempt to let me do that. I am totally over analyzing everything. Concentrate on the facts. I just have to keep telling myself that. Do not believe anything he says. Both my Mother and my best friend told me that they believe that me seeing her picture on his phone was not an accident. They think that he is trying to push my buttons and keep me off balance. I think they may be right. But, my heart keeps interpreting it in the negative. Sometimes I wish that I could just cast my emotions and feelings aside as easily as he has for me.

[blindsided1]

Well, my work day is just about over and for once, it wasn't horrible. I had a semi-unemotional day at work. I think it helped a little that I know my H is pissed off because he has no money again. But, oh well. He texts me about how much the bills are this pay period. I text him back with the information and a question, he doesn't respond to me. What a jerk. Typical behavior from him. We'll see how the weekend unfolds. But, I am thankful that today was not horrible even though it started out that way.

[ann25]

every semi good day is a blessing.

as the weekend rolls around, stay dark. Only talk to or text him when absolutely necessary.

remember YOU CAN DO IT!!

ann