Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

Last night was a tough one and reminded me that I'm still in piecing mode. We had a long difficult phone conversation (about 3.5 hours). I don't know that I feel any better today after the talk. I feel like he thinks this whole thing is my fault and that I have to shoulder all of the change. He just has to come back and that in so doing he is granting me this huge favor. He claims he's not. He tells me that I treated him badly for the last 8 years, but worse yet I didn't even realize I was doing so, but yet he gets upset at me for calling myself a monster. What would you call someone that treated you as badly as he describes for 8 years without knowing it - a monster. Anyway. It hurt my feelings to say the least. I am not a monster. Yes, I've made changes with my life and they are changes that needed to be made. But he thinks he's "perfect" and gets out of this scot free. It makes me so mad.

I told him I am terrified that if I make one "slip" in my efforts that he will be running out the door again. He says, "After what you've shown me this past month, I think it would take more than a slip." Oh, that's so reassuring. He can't promise me things will be great. I don't want him to promise it will be great - I don't think anyone can do that. But does he have to be so doom and gloom about it? How about promising to try your hardest to make each other happy to try and make it as great as possible? Is that too much to ask????? I really don't think so. Trying and effort are what I'm asking for. I even told him so.

He tells me he is proud of how I was able to finally see why he "had" to do what he did (running away). I told him he never "had" to and I still don't understand that part. I told him I understand how difficult it was for him and how hurt he was but he never "had" to leave, that was his choosing. He did at least acknowledge that. He also told me that he can't be "attacked" anymore when he tries to share his feelings (I get defensive like most of us). I told him I can't promise anything other than I will try my hardest to listen. I also told him that if that's the case, then I need to ask him something. I asked him that the next time he shares his feelings to not start out with an attack to put me on the defensive. The night he left he started out the conversation with "I can't take it anymore." My first reaction was "What the f--- did I do?" I sort of apologized, but not really.

I told him more than once that my shoulders are broad and bear a lot, but I need his help. I need him to admit that he needs to change and address some things too. He still is sticking by his "I'm fine. I don't need fixing" attitude. This is part of why I'm not doing so well today.

He can't give me any assurance, but yet he wants me to keep trying. Whatever. He tells me that he never wanted me out of his life and that he always had hope. F--- him!!! He told me over and over and over and over and over for me to not have hope. We were never getting back together. Just get over it because it's done. Don't have hope because it's only going to disappoint you. I can't be happy with you in my life move on. Yea, that sounds like he had hope and didn't want to lose me. Whatever. Yes, I've read DR and yes, I know that I'm not supposed to listen to 100% of what he said during that time period, but it makes things really difficult in the piecing.

He says that actions speak louder than words so all he can do is show me that he loves me and show me that we're moving forward. I'm sorry, but I need to hear some words too. I need to hear that I'm loved, appreciated, respected, and admired. I think he needs to read 5LL because I don't think he understands (despite my telling him) that people have different understandings of love. The way he "shows" me might not mean anything to me, or at least not fully. Then we're both losing out. I'm tempted to buy him a copy and say read it, get a clue.

I told him that the actions he has taken and the words he has said (telling me I treated him awful since the beginning?????) has completely destroyed my confidence in how I treat others, and ultimately in who I am. I told him I am not going to walk on egg shells of fear that I am doing something he doesn't like and he's going to be out the door. He just doesn't get that. I told him that he has to tell me how to show him love or if he has needs that need to be met. I told him I can't read minds and I refuse to be fruitlessly stabbing in the dark trying to figure out what he needs.

I am so sad and so hurt this morning. It's the worst I've felt in a long time. Our conversation was honest and wasn't intended on being mean, but he keeps laying the blame on me. It's one thing when I'm willing to admit my failings in our R, but he has to admit to some too. As they say, it takes two to tango. I didn't do this all by myself. I am willing to take responsibility for my behavior and what I did to contribute to our situation, but he has to 'fess up that he played a part too. He can't just blame me. He doesn't get out of it that easy. I don't expect any words of advice and really don't want any. I'm just using this as a place to journal right now and am trying to just get a few of things out of my head in the hopes that it will make me feel better. It hasn't now, but hopefully I will feel better later.